Bad Commentary.: Top Ten Ways to Lose Weight, FAST!

(At least Jabba's motivated. Are YOU?!)

Go on a sandpaper diet. This one is simple : just eat sandpaper for every meal of the day. However, be careful not to forego water, it will help lubricate your throat hole when swallowing.
If you have a significant other, do them a vile number and then break up with them. The guilt will destroy your appetite, guaranteed. Plus, nine out of ten professionals agree that depression is the best diet. But this only works if you have a conscience. Otherwise, skip this one and go to the next.
With a small garden saw, shave chunks from unwanted areas. Do make sure to keep some gauze pads handy.
Take up a religion and nourish yourself on hope and low fat Eucharist wafers.
Create a desirable, fit identity on a game like World of Warcraft. Make sure to neglect your body, your family, and everything else.
Stick your entire body in a trash compactor and hope for the best.
Watch TV for 8 hours straight and eat unhealthy TV dinners on a daily basis. This is sure to get that fat burning!
Condition yourself to think of Barry Manilow every time you eat something delicious. And speaking of Barry Manilow...
Master the art of vomiting on command. Not only will it help you lose weight/strength/soul/dignity/vitality, but it will make you irresistible to men! There's nothing better than woman that reeks of bile and regurgitated pork rinds.
And last but certainly not least, kill yourself. You'll lose ALL of your pounds, guaranteed. It's not like you would have anything to lose. I mean, who wants to go around accepting themselves for who they are?! Not me!