Because American Idol makes me want go into a coma. Also, can someone tell me what makes Paula Abdul a qualified judge? There was a term I heard somewhere, I think it was "ass-clown." I think that's a suitable adjective right now.

Wouldn't it be grand if some random contestant just so happened to have a machine gun in his larynx, so that every time he hit a high note a swarm of friendly bullets would riddle the judges? It really is the least we could ask for.

 

(A grand finale to Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On"? Pure magic.)

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