Inventors of Note (Part 1)

(Hoo-hoo cereal as advertized by sexy, smooth mascot. Just look at those alluring eyes.)

James Caleb Jackson (1811-1895), inventor of cold, breakfast cereal. Probably one of the most important inventors of all time. It all started with a cereal called Granula that you had to soak over night. But things soon started moving and cereal would then evolve into something greater like Smacks or Golden Crisp (which actually resemble female genitalia), Count Chocula (who instead of blood, sucks milk from his victims), and eventually to whatever radioactive sludge kids eat nowadays.

 

 This is an appropriate sandwich.)

The 4th Earl of Sandwich, John Montague (1718-1792), inventor of...well, the sandwich. Brilliant. Although I'm surprised it took that long before someone made a sandwich official. I mean, we did have to have the right ingredients in order to make the sandwich so we were a bit constricted. I can imagine some intrepid caveman trying out a variation of the sandwich with two slabs of bedrock and a slice of mammoth thigh. F.Y.I. The ham sandwich is still the most popular sandwich in the United States.

(Not ALICIA Keys, silly.)

Legend has it that it was Theodore of Samos (6th century) who invented the first key. Keys are awesome. They allow you to enter your house when it's raining outside or when you're hungry and want to eat a delicious sandwich. They also keep others from stealing your sandwiches or from having other dudes steal your girlfriend's heart if you both own one of the heart lockets with the tiny key that comes with them. This guy had the right idea.

 (Bet you didn't know reindeer could smile.)

No one knows who invented the reindeer but it was definitely made in Scandinavia. Without this invention, Santa wouldn't be able to fly to every house in the entire universe on one night. I mean, maybe he would've used horses with little tiny wings or just a giant dragon that shoots presents from its mouth instead of fire, but that's a bit hard to imagine. The world would've been a different place, that's for sure. And also, did you know that some reindeer are called Caribou after the cool band? Yup.

  (Above: Happy teenager with condom friend. Below: A slightly repulsive ancient condom)

Gabrielle Fallopius (1523-1562) is credited with inventing a linen condom that protected men from syphilis. The condom, it seems, was thriving long before that, as far back as Ancient Egypt. Regardless, Mr. Fallopian did us all a service and inadvertently impacted our population which probably would've been worse, otherwise. Although linen? I guess it was either that or bronze.

(We're all just as puzzled, Champ.)

Francis Wolle (1817-1893) invented the BROWN PAPER BAG! Adored by housewives and crackheads alike, this man really outdid himself! The uses for brown paper bags are literally infinite. Let's see, you can use them to:

-carry cans of baked beans and large oranges

-conceal crack rocks (see above)

-hide face when carrying out double murder

-create loud, obnoxious pop during a funeral

-start an accidental grease fire (requires used KFC brown paper bag)

-create inflatable life raft for when stranded in the middle of the ocean

-inconspicously transport 40 ounce of Steel Reserve malt liquor to soiree

-hyperventilate/violently regurgitate into

-etc.
 

 (Above: A slice of bread lathered in delicious peanut butter. Middle: Peanut Butter and Jelly enjoy each other's company. Below: Mr. George Washington Carver, the god of Peanut Butter.)

Some Peanut Butterologists wouldn't necessarily agree with this, but it was George Washington Carver (1864-1943) who invented peanut butter. I suppose most feel that he couldn't have possibly invented peanut butter because he was...self-taught. But he was an educator, a botanist, a scientist, and other stuff that ends with -ist. He invented countless other things and I hear he invented the first soybean computer. Both an autodidact and a polymath, he was pretty much the balls. How many times has a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich saved YOUR life? Or peanut butter and celery? Or baby carrots smothered in peanut butter? Exactly.

Anyway, this will be all for now. I know it's a lot to process. Stay tuned for PART 2 of...INVENTORS OF NOTE!! In the mean time, I'll be researching the inventor of rain, unicorns, disposable fanny packs, and racism. This should take some time...


___

And now, a word from our sponsors: