Lessons in History: Part 2, The Mesolithic and Neolithic

Hi kids! Know you're all jonesing to hear the rest of the story of human's history! Well, just chillax, get out your sandwich, poke that straw into your juicebox and get ready for...

MORE STONE AGE

So when we left off, anatomically modern humans had spread to all parts of the world, overthrowing the previous regimes of The Sabertooth Tiger Empire and Woolly Mammoth Dynasty with the use of a powerful new weapon made by attaching a sharpened stone to a long stick, Spear. This combined with their snazzy new skill firemaking, they made Burning Spear.



Burning Spear, once properly hafted and alit, quickly allowed humans to rise to the top of the food chain with his steady beats and intelligent retrospective lyrics, which, while often not as heavy as say Dennis Brown, constantly reminded early humans of the social inequality in Jamaica at the time. In academia, Burning Spear is generally considered the terminal Palaeolithic and beginning of the Middle Stone Age, or...

MESOLITHIC

The Mesolithic has been a period largely ignored in archaeologically research until the past few decades. While the Palaeolithic had motorcycles and ape-men and the Neolithic has agriculture, the Mesolithic lacked a real defining characteristic. Until the efforts of one man.You see, back in the period we archaeologists refer to as "the day" (c. 1910-1960), the Neolithic was championed by a man named Vere Gordon Childe. Childe had ridiculous glasses, an odd name, a crazy mustache, often talked to himself, and was a downright weirdo. In other words, the perfect archaeologist.

'V' for Vere

With the Childe riding the Neolithic white war steed into battle the period reached new heights and Neolithic stock rose through the roof. But all cool people are destined to become uncool one day. As time went on lithographs of a new archaeologist started appearing in the student centre's billboard, John Grahame Douglas Clark.

Grahame Clark was younger, sexier, had a longer name, no mustache, and wouldn't shut up about "socio-economies". In short, he was the bee's knees.

Grahame Clark inspecting a Aquilonian Blade found in the garden

And also, for some reason, he cared about a little known period called the Mesolithic. Incidentally, I need to install Photoshop already and stop messing around with MS Paint. As all the female archaeologists wanted him and all the male archaeologists wanted to be him, no one ignored the Mesolithic ever again. So what actually happened during the Mesolithic? I haven't a clue.

NEOLITHIC

The Neolithic is considered the beginning of agriculture and pastoralism. That and building big things. Those wacky guys couldn't get enough of it! The predominant theory was that after farming and livestock had been adopted by the ex-hunter gatherers, they became very very very bored. Stalking killer bears in the forest does not compare to watching wheat grow or making sure your slow moving sheep do not walk off a cliff. So to pass the time they built monuments. Here are a few you will probably recognize:


After the destruction of the several limestone Death Stars by pesky rebel scum, Neolithic groups decided it was time to hurry up and find some metal to make them out of. And so we leave the Stone Age and enter the exciting, shiny AGE OF METAL. Stay tuned for your next fat dose of history, the Bronze Age!

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Rare Conditions and the Celebrities They Affect: Part 1

Name of condition: Disfalafeloofahlexia
Description: The inability to distinguish a loofah from a falafel while making a sexually harassing phone call.

Celebrity: Bill O'Reilly

Name of condition: Pseudoreleventia
Description: The mistaken belief that what you say or think has any relevance whatsoever to anyone.

Celebrities: Joan Rivers, Ryan Seacrest

 

Name of condition: Pubofrenia
Description: A delusional state where the sufferer believes his or her actions should be guided by a specific patch of body hair.

Celebrity: Adolf Hitler (NOTE: Also common amongst porn stars and pedophiles.)

Name of condition: Communist Compulsive Disorder or CCD
Description: An uncontrollable, overriding urge to see and point out Communist conspiracies in everything observed.

Celebrity: Glenn Beck

Name of condition: Unconstricted Anus Syndrome
Description: Becoming Gay after bashing homosexuals.

Celebrities: Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Glenn Murphy Jr., Bob Allen (NOTE: Possibly caused by a virus that flourishes within GOP conventions/gatherings.)

Name of condition: Immortality
Description: Self explanatory.

Celebrity: Todd Bridges (R.I.P. Gary Coleman and Dana Plato) (NOTE: Find out if Mr. Drummond is still alive and what his real name is/was.)

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The Power of NoHomo

The times-are-a-changing, that’s for goddamn sure. The 1960’s brought us the sexual revolution, which was enough of a shock. I never understood how a woman could want premarital sex with numerous partners. I mean Puh-lease. Is this what you call empowerment?

But I was willing to adapt. Although these individuals who engage in so-called “free love” are going to hell, I will treat them with the same level of courtesy and respect I afford to any child of God.

But little did I know, that this wasn’t the end of the Sodom and Gomorrah-ization of the United States. Yes, that’s right: I’m talking about the “homosexual” question.

When you have queers like Will from Will and Grace and Ellen from the Ellen Degeneris Show parade around as if their homosexuality were a badge of honor, you know that our society is going down the toilet bowl, and QUICKLY! When you see the utterly surreal act of a man reading wedding vows to another MAN (only in Taxachusetts!), you start thinking to yourself, “am I just stuck in a bad dream?”

 (A syndicated sin!)

Let’s face it, the gays are taking over and celebrating their sinfulness with gleeful abandon.
But, again, they are still children of God and we must learn to separate the Sin from the Sinner. This is why, contrary to some of my friends, I accept gays. Sure, they are damaged humans who have an unnatural connection to their mothers (or fathers if they are Lesbians), but they are still made in God’s image and I will not raise my voice or hand against them.

 (Um, not. God is all man! Although...I wonder where Mrs. God is in all this?)

Now, in this current environment, there is one tragic trend that is going unnoticed, one type of relationship that is quickly becoming obsolete. Yes, I’m talking about the platonic friendship and love that one man can share with another man. God-fearing heterosexuals are simply too scared to form intimate NON-SEXUAL bonds with another man for fear of being labeled “gay.” And the gays these days are so sex-crazy that the second they see another man, it is impossible for them to think of anything except anal intercourse.

Our boys are missing out on a variety of enriching and lifelong friendships because they cannot separate innocent male intimacy from the sinful and unnatural relationship inherent in homosexuality. Any hug is seen as a come-on and a compliment is seen as flirting. A long, deep conversation might be mistaken for a prelude to “hooking up.”

But not all hope is lost. There is one tool that God-fearing, heterosexual men have in their arsenal (no pun intended), a way to engage in very loving, non-sexual man-to-man relationships, without fear of being labeled as a homosexual. This is known as “nohomo.”

Nohomo is an elegant concept, an explicit affirmation that you are not gay. The basic idea is that when you are engaging in something which could be mistaken as homosexual activity, you say “nohomo” in order to put your special friend’s mind at ease.

 (One of the major players of the Sohomo movement! Oops, I meant the Nohomo movement.)

This phrase should be taught to students so that they can use it as a shield and develop the intimate same sex relationships that they long for. Our completely straight boys will be able to hug, hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes without fear of reproach.

In fact, let me close this with a personal, anecdotal story, to show you the power of “nohomo.” My friend Billy (no relation to our Bill) is a barber and I’ve been going to him for many years, because he knows how to give me the perfect haircut. Well, we just have the most interesting conversations when I’m sitting in the barber chair, and I thought it might be fun to go to a bar with him and discuss life over a few brewskis. However, I hesitated, nervous that if I made the first move, he would back off, thinking I was a closet gay looking to prey on his youthful body.

As you might guess, this was the perfect opportunity for me to use nohomo. I said, “Nohomo, Billy, but I’d really like to grab a drink with you sometime.” Billy smiled. “I’m really glad that you said, Nohomo, first, or else I would have been pretty weirded out!” he replied.

And there you have it! Billy and I have been able to engage in an intimate and meaningful NON SEXUAL relationship all because of one little magic phrase.

Wanna know more? Check out what Bryan Safi had to say on That's Gay:

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Lessons in History: Part 1, The Stone Age

Hello, we're adding a new feature to Babyheads 2.0! As the school systems seem to be ignoring the subject altogether, we've decided to help the public learn the exciting subject of history, in installments. As a professional archaeologist, you have the wealth of my knowledge at your disposal. So, let's begin at the very beginning of human existence and my particular specialty...

(The above is an illustration of history.)



PREHISTORY

As prehistory encompasses 99% of human existence, it is a shame it is largely ignored for periods that have flashier artifacts and movies made about them like 'Ivanhoe' and 'The 13th Warrior'. Today we'll focus on the earliest part of prehistory...

THE STONE AGE

The Stone Age is 99% of Prehistory. When humans began the long road to evolution, they very kindly did it in an easy to remember three part process, the first being the Old Stone Age, or...

PALAEOLITHIC
(99% of The Stone Age)

It began when an ugly ape thing named Homo habilis hit a rock against another rock two and a half million years ago. And that was named "TOOL". It was the first of a long line of tools produced by humans.

Tool:

Tool:


Of course, the human race did not start making hammers and douchebags with such skill. This evolution took thousands of years. Here is a chart for quick reference:

garden of eden - 1,500,000 years ago = Homo habilis = hunting, crude/expedient stone tools, crude motorcycles

1,500,000 - 500,000 years ago = Homo erectus = vacations/tourism, douchebags, sweet motorcycles, atlatls, good tools (e.g. bowflex)

800,000 - 799,999 years ago = Homo floresiensis = being tiny

500,000 - 25,000 years ago = Homo neanderthalensis = Art, Ron Perlman

200,000 years ago - 1962 = Homo sapiens = computers, douchebags (refined model), fire

Hope that cleared it up. Anyway, Homo habilis, feeling a job well done, sat down on its ass for one million years. By this time, a new sexy human had evolved. Homo erectus was a real go-getter. Standing tall and looking down at Homo habilis with contempt while the latter played with its dented stones, Homo erectus decided that the scene here was lame, and cruised on out of there on the Harley's they built.



Homo erectus spread to every corner of the earth on their sweet rides, except America since they couldn't obtain the proper visas once they mentioned they were from Africa. After a while they became bored and complacent with their superiority and thus invented Pro Wrestling and Miller High Life. Eventually, these glorious warrior/actors of the ring evolved into something new....and sinister: the NEANDERTHALS

The best way to describe the Neanderthals is they were a combination of a grizzly bear, the bumbling redcoats from Pirates of the Caribbean, and a BLT when the bacon is hickory smoked. Follow? Good, moving along....

MODERN HUMANS

Eventually the Neanderthals' scripts for pro wrestling become a bit too far fetched as they ran out of believable twists and surprise entrances. A certain group of Homo erectus, which was still around and had gotten fat from watching pro wrestling and swigging Milwaukee's Best ('The Beast'), just couldn't take it when Big Show's father died for the seventh time during a match with Boss Man. They decided to put down the bong, join a gym, enter a community college, thus paving the way for the evolution into the best damn human yet, Homo sapiens.

Should not have made fun of Big Show's Dad:

At this point, perfection having been attained, evolution completely stopped and we have remained the magnificent and wise creatures we are today.

Magnificent You:

Stay tuned for the Stone Age part 2: The Mesolithic and Neolithic and learn how we bitch slapped mother nature right in the mouth!!

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BABIES...doing AMAZING things!!!

BABY SWIMMING!

BABY SMOKING A CIGARETTE!

BABY BEING FAT!

BABY EATING APPLE SAUCE!

BABY BREAKDANCING!

BABY USING THE iPHONE AND FACEBOOK!

BABY SINGING THE BEATLES!

BABY COOKING...AND PEEING ON HIMSELF!

BABY WITH GEOGRAPHY SKILLS!

BABIES AT WORK!

BABY CRYING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!

(You might notice that the above video has been deleted. The video was a collection of clips in which Glenn Beck pulls his little crying stint to arouse sympathy in his minions. Surely, this is FoxNews' doing and I think it says a lot about how much FoxNews agrees that Glenn Beck is a little bitch. Point taken.)

Support BABYHEADS! Please mail your children to:

P.O. BOX 900

BEVERLY HILLS, CA 90213-0900

Thank you.

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Top 10 People Who Fucked Up The Planet

In no particular order of importance. Click on links for illustrations:

(Even Boner was cooler than you. THAT was a rockstar!)

1. Kirk Cameron (for not following your destiny of becoming a strung out heroin addict and/or crackhead. This should've been your path. You had true potential and you became a jerk. You've disappointed all of us for getting all up on god's dick. Step off his jock, man, he don't like you. Youse mad wack, b!) Counteracting Agent: Gary Coleman. He may be tiny, but at least HE's been to the dark side, Willis!

 (More like Nostra-dumb-ass. Oh man, I kill me. Shut up.)

2. Nostradamus (for being wrong about absolutely everything. Although, kudos on being the first medieval drag-queen.) Counteracting Agent: Negrodamus (Paul Mooney)

 (If you look closely, you can see burning skulls embedded in the rose petals.)

3. That dude at the Vienna Academy who rejected Hitler's art (for obvious reasons. Way to go! You can inhale a nut for that.) Counteracting Agent: Bob Ross. He erases bad dreams with little strokes of magic.

 (YOU try drawing a heart on a laptop!)

4. Richard Nixon, and his little boyfriend, Henry Kissinger (for being a general dick and for giving pretty much every country a Hot Carl. If you're a ghost somewhere, I hope George Washington gives you a Cleveland Steamer and possibly a Michael Douglas.) Counteracting Agent: Abbot and Costello.

(Jesus loved dinosaurs.) 

5. Jesus (for helping create Born Agains, innocuous Eucharist wafers that taste like foam, unnecessary wars, Pacifists who never fight back, and ruining perfectly good tortillas with your narcissism.) Counteracting Agent: Patrick Swayze (I know, he's dead. But perhaps a series of highly coordinated international replays of all his movies will bring him back from the ether. Only his dance moves can counter Jesus' sick break dancing. Not to mention that Swayze appearing on a tortilla is waaaay more interesting.)

 (Pindar?)

6. John D. Rockefeller (for being the absolute devil. So blood thirsty you wanted the Earth's blood and so tried draining it of all its oil. According to sources, you actually drank oil and munched on squirrel femurs on a regular basis, which is why you needed such a vast supply of both. If anyone were ever a Reptile, it would've been you. And if you're still alive somehow, though, please don't eat me.) Counteracting Agent: David Icke
 

(Nothing But Trouble?) 

7. Lou Perlman (on the one hand, we thank you for taking advantage of NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys. Who knows, without you, they probably would've still been around. However, what in Jebus' name would you have done with all that money which would've otherwise gone to people who needed it? Buy an infinite amount of Bree and Swedish meatballs? I hope you get molested by Suge Knight on Death Row, if you ever make it there.) Counteracting Agent: Menudo

(You truly are a Song Bird.)

8. Kenny G. (for destroying the saxophone after Jazz was doing so well.Your music has helped conceive an endless amount of babies who are now subliminally programmed with a predisposition to elevator romance. You have punched love in the face, deforming it irreparably. You make root canals seem tame and you have shifted the earth's access with your magnetic curls.) Counteracting Agent: Tim Cappello. You may all briefly remember him from his dynamic and explicitly alluring cameo in The Lost Boys. He is the only creation strong enough to erase the Kenny G. taint still smothering our planet's sex vibe. Don't believe me? Watch.

(So handsome.)

9. Jason Priestley (for making a whole generation of teenagers and pre-teens feel bad about themselves by comparison. Your baby blue eyes were so electrifying that we had to second-guess ourselves before making googly eyes at cheerleaders who wanted Jason Priestleys. You were the reason why most of us stuck to Nintendo when we would've otherwise have been procreating to save the planet from Scientologists and Vanilla Ice wannabees.You should've shared your mojo, man.) Counteracting Agent: Zack Morris

  (Thanks for the pussification!)

10. The inventor of the Chicken Soup books (for damaging the men who's wives forced your books on them so as to engage their sympathies and bring forth their feminine sides. There were other ways to do that like braiding, Easy Bake ovens, sleep overs, reruns of Saved by the Bell, and Sweet Valley High.) Counteracting Agent: Hustler (or, The Boxcar Children Series)

Bonus:

That guy beneath Barney the Dinosaur's suit (for corrupting an endless score of youths that no longer know their asses from their elbows. And for staining our minds with the "Apples and Bananas" song. Damn you, it's so good!) Counteracting agent: Oscar The Grouch. At least HE was real and could fuck yo whole shit up. So to speak.


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Fluffernutter Sandwiches Cause Sexual Deviance

A 30-year longitudinal study by Babyheads 2.0! Labs in Boston, MA has concluded that the daily consumption of fluffernutter sandwiches may be a leading cause in promoting sexually deviant behavior.

"We found some very strong correlations between regular fluffernutter consumption and a variety of sexually deviant activities including sex before marriage, homosexuality, and a disgusting practice known as 'doggystyle,'" said Maxwell Schaffer, lead investigator of the study.

Respondents from a variety of socioeconomic backgrounds were given a detailed survey once every 5 years over a 30 year period, in which they were asked to describe both how often they consumed fluffernutter sandwiches and their participation in immoral sexual activities. "It seems that there is a direct relationship between fluffernutter consumption and the degree of sexual deviance. In other words, the more fluffernutters you eat, the more sexually deviant you become," Schaffer said.

 (Do you trust this delicious sandwich?)

Dr. Schaffer's study is not without its fair share of critics. "I'm not convinced that this study was adequately controlled, and that fluffernutters are necessarily the cause of sexual deviance. Even if we find that fluffernutters contribute to this behavior, I still think that there are other, more significant factors. It's important that we don't just stop at fluffernutter consumption," said Dr. Johnathan Sanchez of the Hoffmann Institute for Social Research.

The fluffernutter theory certainly resonates with John Morris (name changed to protect his anonymity). "I didn't think about it at the time, but this one day when I was 11 years-old, I had a fluffernutter every day for my school lunch and that weekend, well I had this uncontrollable urge to, uh, touch myself you-know-where. And I just couldn't stop. To be honest with you, I still can't stop touching myself and it's scarred me both psychologically and physically. I can't even keep a relationship for more than two weeks without cheating on her with my hand. I'm sick," said Mr. Morris.

"The truth is, there is still a lot of work to be done," said Dr. Schaffer. "Individuals like Mr. Morris are suffering and it's our mission to save them from their web of lust. Pinpointing fluffernutters as the cause of their grief is the first step in developing a cure."

Babyheads 2.0! Labs has asked that anyone who suspects fluffernutter consumption may be at the root of their sexual deviance to contact them immediately at: fluffernuttersyndrome@gmail.com.

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BEST YO' MOMMA JOKES OF ALL TIME!

Because dissing your mom is awesome! The following are a list of the ULTIMATE BEST-EST BEST-EST Yo Momma jokes (Snaps) of all time! Make sure to memorize them ALL so that next time you're at a party you can launch one at some dude and get punched right in the fucking face!

 FAT JOKES:

• Your mother is so fat that when she attends her local, independent theater, she has a difficult time making her way through the aisles without upsetting a number of movie-goers.

• Your mother is so heavy, her belt buckle had to be custom made in order to disallow the sudden opening of her belt latch.

• Your mother is indeed so corpulent that she resembles one of Botero's large, effeminate figures.

• Your mother's contours are so irregularly round and defined that it's difficult to believe that she is not suffering from obesity symptoms.

• Your mother is so overweight that she suffers from an acute case of high cholesterol.

STUPID JOKES:

• Your mother's intelligence is so below-average that whenever she's at the super market, she has trouble itemizing her expenses.

•  Your mother is so slow, she has a hard time performing basic mathematics and solving simple algebraic equations.

•  Your mother is so stupid, her self-esteem is severely affected by her inability to cope with the world on a normal level. She's currently undergoing counseling in order to improve her perceived self-image as well as her distinctive cognitive issues.

• Your mother is so stupid, she was convinced that it wasn't cold outside even when it was. She then found herself in quite a predicament without a jacket in the extremely frigid weather.

• Your mother is so stupid, she thought the Lord of the Rings anthology was actually a film before it was a literary series.

• Your mother is so stupid, she thought the term 'oxymoron' was a very insensitive insult. I assured her that it was not, but because she is not very bright, she argued that it was even after showing her a standard dictionary entry. I wish I could say that there was an end to the argument, but her disagreement was unyielding, so I agreed with her in order to make her feel better. She then referred to me as an 'oxymoron', which in a way was actually correct considering the sudden change in my stance from defending the actual definition to suddenly siding with the incorrect one. Perhaps this inconsistency in my constitution was construed as 'oxymoronic', making the poetic usage of the term 'oxymoron' slightly correct. Perhaps I've misjudged your mother's intelligence after all? I'm open to the possibility.

• Your mother is so slow, she needs assistance with day to day tasks due to her inability to accurately follow instructions.

SKINNY JOKES:

• Your mother is so skinny that she is regularly confused with an anorexic patient even though she eats apples and pears at least three times a day.

• Your mother is so thin that she has no use whatsoever for weight loss programs. In fact, given her thin demeanor, a weight loss program may actually prove detrimental to her overall health.

• Your mother happens to be so emaciated that she resembles a female-rendering of the iconic, historical figure, Jesus Christ.

• Your mother is so thin that I can pick her up with little difficulty. She is actually that light, which is strange since, like I said before, she eats foodstuffs regularly. I believe that perhaps her thinness stems from some kind of genetic predisposition.

• Your mother is so skinny that her socks often hang from her ankles. The only places where she can get socks that actually fit her are at Goodwill Thrift Shops, Marshalls, and CVS Pharmacies. Although, they do tend to run out of supplies regularly, which is strange considering the rarity of her weight condition. I'm pretty sure you don't know many 47 year-old's weighing a measly 98 pounds. Your mom and I often wonder where the socks go. Although, she once, perhaps quite accurately, conjectured that the thin socks were possibly being purchased by younger children, or parents shopping for younger children. This makes sense since young children seem to be in the same weight class as your mother.

• Your mother is so thin, she eats crackers without cheese, guava paste, or hummus.

MISCELLANEOUS JOKES:

• Your mother is so rambunctious, she has a tendency to engage in very spontaneous activities which confound her friends and family to a large degree.

• Your mother is so dark that she is often subject to racial discrimination by very foolish parties who have yet to see the evils of racism.

•  Your mother has so much facial hair that she often resembles a heavily-bearded male.

•  Your mother is so pious, she prays every single day and never misses her confessional appointments with the town priest. She is also very active in her parochial community, providing the church with a modest weekly stipend.

• Your mother's accent is pronounced that she is often confused for a foreign citizen (i.e. Kazakhstani, Ethiopian, or even West Timorese, which is strange since her accent is not THAT pronounced- but I suppose people have different ways of assessing certain dialects. Not to mention that some people haven't had the opportunity of engaging with individuals from these countries, so that they may have no frames of reference with which to make said evaluations).  

• Your mother is so hairy, she resembles the mythical Yeti that is said to reside in the mountains of Tibet.

• Your mother is so gullible, she wholeheartedly believed me when I told her that it was actually raining cats and dogs outside.

• Your mother's teeth are so white that they gleam even during the darker hours of the evening, which is a big strange, but also very interesting to watch.

• Your mother is so devout that she dismisses any scientific theory that affirms the possibility of dinosaurs having once lived on the planet.

• Your mother is so old-fashioned, she has yet to discard the Ptolemaic belief that the Sun revolves around the Earth.

• Your mother is so understanding that, this one time, while attempting to purchase a Snicker bar at a vending machine, she gave me a quarter when she realized that I was short in change.

For all of you sensitive mothers out there, I sincerely hope that these Yo Momma jokes did not succeed in offending your sensibilities. I simply believe that one should be armed for the next Yo Momma joke battle. If you're a mother, you should be ready to retaliate with some sick jokes and if you're not a mother and have one who's awesome (and possibly hot), you should be ready, as well.

I hope that all you hot MILFs, GILFs, GGILFs, GGGILFS, and non-MILF's (it's alright, I'm sure someone loves you) out there have had (and continue having) a pleasant Mother's Day. Make sure to eat lots of delicious foodstuffs. Also, make sure to pressure your offspring and significant others into giving you gifts. If pressure doesn't work, use guilt or violence or both (tickling also works) to get what you need! Good night!

P.S. That little duck is buggin!

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The Most Notorious Vegetables Alive! (Pt. 1)

Because vegetables pose a threat to mankind. Sure, they're nutritious, extremely shy, and border on absolutely adorable, BUT that's EXACTLY what they want you to think. By underestimating the high intelligence of vegetables, we have sown the seeds to our own destruction. Excruciating pun intended.

In order to save the world from the most subtle campaign of death waged by these nefarious sprouts, we, at Babyheads!, have compiled a profile of the most dangerous vegetables on the planet.

Disclaimer: this information could very well put your life in danger. Death threats from leafy greens, and the like, are not uncommon in the revolutionary world of veggie iconoclasts. Some of the following images might shock you. Consider yourself warned!

CAULIFLOWER

Alias: Chlamydia Joe, Buster, Joe Brothback, Jedd

Political Affiliation: Communist

Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Craig Mack

Crime Syndicate: капуста Brotherhood

Probably one of the most feared vegetables alive, Cauliflower is known for crippling men with abject terror. A long time member of one of Russia's most powerful mafias, Cauliflower has been said to regularly devour the hearts of children just for fun, which is extremely unfair to children, believe me. It's unabashed sense of arrogance and its bulbous facial features make it one of the boldest instruments of death on your vegetable stand. Paralleling his political leanings, Cauliflower believes in absolute equality and scowls at the misguided philosophies of the bourgeois. His role models are Raul Castro, Marylin Monroe, Boxcar Willie, and Mike Tyson.

EGGPLANT

Alias: Greg, Mr. Lova Lova, Tony the Screwdriver, Prince

Political Affiliation: Democrat

Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Jay-Z

Crime Syndicate: Unknown

Eggplant remains a mystery to U.S. intelligence and law enforcement officials alike. The thing is, he's a master of disguise. The donning of a simple handlebar mustache could render Eggplant completely invisible. No one knows where he came from nor where he resides. What IS known is that he has served as Consiglieri for a number of international crime families but has always managed to slip away during orchestrated stings. Some say he's actually a double, triple, or quadruple agent. But, we, at Babyheads!, feel that he knows no law and works for himself. This makes him one of the most unpredictable specimens on our list.

CARROT

Alias: The Shark, Ace, 20/20, Larkin Long, Snaggletooth

Political Affiliation: Conservative Republican

Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Ludacris

Crime Syndicate: KKK

Carrot is quiet and somewhat unassuming, but behind that calm exterior there lies a rampant white supremacist just waiting for an all out race war. Yes, this might not be news to some of you who have suspected it all along, but carrots are racists. And not only that, but they are the biggest proponents of Eugenics! It was once said by a carrot defector, whose name will remain undisclosed for security reasons, that carrots themselves have been behind quite a number of genocidal atrocities! I'm telling you! Racists! Why do you think Yosemite Sam was all up on Bugs Bunny's dick, trying to fuck his shit up? Well, probably because Bugs Bunny was always eating Yosemite Sam's racist carrot friends! Ever think of that? I mean, how would you react if some wackass bunny face was all chomping on your friends' toes and thigh meats? It would piss you off, wouldn't it? That's one of the reasons carrots have decided to be racist, because they're tired of being eaten by bunny faces.

RUTABAGA

Alias: Rude Boy (pronounced bway in the super sweet Jamaican way), Abba Cadaba, Tom Jones, Ali Baga
Political Affiliation: Independent
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Too Short (oh wait, I mean, Too $hort)
Crime Syndicate: RHS (Red Hat Society)

Perhaps the most gentle of these monsters, Rutabaga spends his time lounging at the local sauna, waxing his calves, and generally enjoying the life of a middle-aged woman. He's the only male veggie to have gained admittance into the Red Hat Society. The above photo was taken in Cancun only a couple of months prior to his inception into the old grannie hat community, which is why he's not wearing one. Yet as gentle as he is, his admittance in the Red Hat Society should give you an idea of just how dangerous he is. The Society is known for their bloodthirsty greetings and ritualistic nightmare songs, which to the layman sound like chants of melodic glee. Don't be fooled! When Rutabaga puts on his hat you can pretty much bet that he has a rabid midget under it just waiting to be sicked on the uninitiated.

(Arcimboldo was actually a Broccoli disguised as a man.The hateful, esoteric symbolism in this piece is clear as day. Consider.)

YAM

Alias: Yam

Political Affiliation: Fascist

Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Ja Rule

Crime Syndicate: The Deadly Deadlies; Harlem Globetrotters; Nelson-Ruiz Cartel

Yam is notorious for burning his women with hair irons and eating ramen with a spork. It may sound random, but this actually happens to be his modus operandi. Always leaving a melted, MSG doused spork at the scene of a crime, Yam has been connected to about 43 fatal muggings and the hijacking of a large barn. Yam is a master of the underground, mostly because he grew up there, and one of the most elusive veggies on the planet because of this (the Viet Cong actually contracted him back in the 1640's so that he can help them create tunnels for them to play in when they got bored or lonely). It was actually Yam who coined the term, "Gorilla Warfare". He really liked Gorillas because they liked war...and some times Cheetos...but mostly war and he liked that they liked those things, especially the Cheetos part. Like Eggplant, he's also a master of disguise and so he can hide in your belly when you eat him and evade the grasp of law enforcement. But don't be charmed by his...charm because Yam is a fuckhead.

SQUASH

Alias: Fat Danny, Cucu Marrow, Pig Face Mambo
Political Affiliation: Middle of the Road
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Fat Joe
Crime Syndicate: Antonelli Crime Family

Note the fierce gaze of the above squash as he stands triumphant over the scattered limbs of his enemy squash. Those are the beady eyes of a murderer, but of course, we'd rather blind ourselves to the reality on the cowardly pretense that squash is starchy and therefore good for you. Bullshit. As forerunner of one of the five major New York crime families, Antonelli Capo, Squash (or Fat Danny, as he's known among his cohorts), has a finger in pretty much everything illicit going down in the greater Northeast area. Most of you aren't aware of this, but one of his first recruits was Squanto, who deferred to Squash in the most bitch like fashion, eventually leading to an expansion of the Squash network via the Puritans. Squash was indeed responsible for Thanksgiving, a holiday that started out as corn extortion and loan-sharking. Squash also wears women's shoes when he's in the mood.

Oh, look at the time. Want to know more about evil veggies? Stay tuned for another useless segment of....The Most Notorious Vegetables Alive!. See you next time and make sure to steer clear from these violent manipulators in the meantime.

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