BEST YO' MOMMA JOKES OF ALL TIME!

Because dissing your mom is awesome! The following are a list of the ULTIMATE BEST-EST BEST-EST Yo Momma jokes (Snaps) of all time! Make sure to memorize them ALL so that next time you're at a party you can launch one at some dude and get punched right in the fucking face!

 FAT JOKES:

• Your mother is so fat that when she attends her local, independent theater, she has a difficult time making her way through the aisles without upsetting a number of movie-goers.

• Your mother is so heavy, her belt buckle had to be custom made in order to disallow the sudden opening of her belt latch.

• Your mother is indeed so corpulent that she resembles one of Botero's large, effeminate figures.

• Your mother's contours are so irregularly round and defined that it's difficult to believe that she is not suffering from obesity symptoms.

• Your mother is so overweight that she suffers from an acute case of high cholesterol.

STUPID JOKES:

• Your mother's intelligence is so below-average that whenever she's at the super market, she has trouble itemizing her expenses.

•  Your mother is so slow, she has a hard time performing basic mathematics and solving simple algebraic equations.

•  Your mother is so stupid, her self-esteem is severely affected by her inability to cope with the world on a normal level. She's currently undergoing counseling in order to improve her perceived self-image as well as her distinctive cognitive issues.

• Your mother is so stupid, she was convinced that it wasn't cold outside even when it was. She then found herself in quite a predicament without a jacket in the extremely frigid weather.

• Your mother is so stupid, she thought the Lord of the Rings anthology was actually a film before it was a literary series.

• Your mother is so stupid, she thought the term 'oxymoron' was a very insensitive insult. I assured her that it was not, but because she is not very bright, she argued that it was even after showing her a standard dictionary entry. I wish I could say that there was an end to the argument, but her disagreement was unyielding, so I agreed with her in order to make her feel better. She then referred to me as an 'oxymoron', which in a way was actually correct considering the sudden change in my stance from defending the actual definition to suddenly siding with the incorrect one. Perhaps this inconsistency in my constitution was construed as 'oxymoronic', making the poetic usage of the term 'oxymoron' slightly correct. Perhaps I've misjudged your mother's intelligence after all? I'm open to the possibility.

• Your mother is so slow, she needs assistance with day to day tasks due to her inability to accurately follow instructions.

SKINNY JOKES:

• Your mother is so skinny that she is regularly confused with an anorexic patient even though she eats apples and pears at least three times a day.

• Your mother is so thin that she has no use whatsoever for weight loss programs. In fact, given her thin demeanor, a weight loss program may actually prove detrimental to her overall health.

• Your mother happens to be so emaciated that she resembles a female-rendering of the iconic, historical figure, Jesus Christ.

• Your mother is so thin that I can pick her up with little difficulty. She is actually that light, which is strange since, like I said before, she eats foodstuffs regularly. I believe that perhaps her thinness stems from some kind of genetic predisposition.

• Your mother is so skinny that her socks often hang from her ankles. The only places where she can get socks that actually fit her are at Goodwill Thrift Shops, Marshalls, and CVS Pharmacies. Although, they do tend to run out of supplies regularly, which is strange considering the rarity of her weight condition. I'm pretty sure you don't know many 47 year-old's weighing a measly 98 pounds. Your mom and I often wonder where the socks go. Although, she once, perhaps quite accurately, conjectured that the thin socks were possibly being purchased by younger children, or parents shopping for younger children. This makes sense since young children seem to be in the same weight class as your mother.

• Your mother is so thin, she eats crackers without cheese, guava paste, or hummus.

MISCELLANEOUS JOKES:

• Your mother is so rambunctious, she has a tendency to engage in very spontaneous activities which confound her friends and family to a large degree.

• Your mother is so dark that she is often subject to racial discrimination by very foolish parties who have yet to see the evils of racism.

•  Your mother has so much facial hair that she often resembles a heavily-bearded male.

•  Your mother is so pious, she prays every single day and never misses her confessional appointments with the town priest. She is also very active in her parochial community, providing the church with a modest weekly stipend.

• Your mother's accent is pronounced that she is often confused for a foreign citizen (i.e. Kazakhstani, Ethiopian, or even West Timorese, which is strange since her accent is not THAT pronounced- but I suppose people have different ways of assessing certain dialects. Not to mention that some people haven't had the opportunity of engaging with individuals from these countries, so that they may have no frames of reference with which to make said evaluations).  

• Your mother is so hairy, she resembles the mythical Yeti that is said to reside in the mountains of Tibet.

• Your mother is so gullible, she wholeheartedly believed me when I told her that it was actually raining cats and dogs outside.

• Your mother's teeth are so white that they gleam even during the darker hours of the evening, which is a big strange, but also very interesting to watch.

• Your mother is so devout that she dismisses any scientific theory that affirms the possibility of dinosaurs having once lived on the planet.

• Your mother is so old-fashioned, she has yet to discard the Ptolemaic belief that the Sun revolves around the Earth.

• Your mother is so understanding that, this one time, while attempting to purchase a Snicker bar at a vending machine, she gave me a quarter when she realized that I was short in change.

For all of you sensitive mothers out there, I sincerely hope that these Yo Momma jokes did not succeed in offending your sensibilities. I simply believe that one should be armed for the next Yo Momma joke battle. If you're a mother, you should be ready to retaliate with some sick jokes and if you're not a mother and have one who's awesome (and possibly hot), you should be ready, as well.

I hope that all you hot MILFs, GILFs, GGILFs, GGGILFS, and non-MILF's (it's alright, I'm sure someone loves you) out there have had (and continue having) a pleasant Mother's Day. Make sure to eat lots of delicious foodstuffs. Also, make sure to pressure your offspring and significant others into giving you gifts. If pressure doesn't work, use guilt or violence or both (tickling also works) to get what you need! Good night!

P.S. That little duck is buggin!

______

And now, a word from our Sponsors:

Read more...