Fluffernutter Sandwiches Cause Sexual Deviance
Monday, May 10, 2010
A 30-year longitudinal study by Babyheads 2.0! Labs in Boston, MA has concluded that the daily consumption of fluffernutter sandwiches may be a leading cause in promoting sexually deviant behavior.
"We found some very strong correlations between regular fluffernutter consumption and a variety of sexually deviant activities including sex before marriage, homosexuality, and a disgusting practice known as 'doggystyle,'" said Maxwell Schaffer, lead investigator of the study.
Respondents from a variety of socioeconomic backgrounds were given a detailed survey once every 5 years over a 30 year period, in which they were asked to describe both how often they consumed fluffernutter sandwiches and their participation in immoral sexual activities. "It seems that there is a direct relationship between fluffernutter consumption and the degree of sexual deviance. In other words, the more fluffernutters you eat, the more sexually deviant you become," Schaffer said.
Dr. Schaffer's study is not without its fair share of critics. "I'm not convinced that this study was adequately controlled, and that fluffernutters are necessarily the cause of sexual deviance. Even if we find that fluffernutters contribute to this behavior, I still think that there are other, more significant factors. It's important that we don't just stop at fluffernutter consumption," said Dr. Johnathan Sanchez of the Hoffmann Institute for Social Research.
The fluffernutter theory certainly resonates with John Morris (name changed to protect his anonymity). "I didn't think about it at the time, but this one day when I was 11 years-old, I had a fluffernutter every day for my school lunch and that weekend, well I had this uncontrollable urge to, uh, touch myself you-know-where. And I just couldn't stop. To be honest with you, I still can't stop touching myself and it's scarred me both psychologically and physically. I can't even keep a relationship for more than two weeks without cheating on her with my hand. I'm sick," said Mr. Morris.
"The truth is, there is still a lot of work to be done," said Dr. Schaffer. "Individuals like Mr. Morris are suffering and it's our mission to save them from their web of lust. Pinpointing fluffernutters as the cause of their grief is the first step in developing a cure."
Babyheads 2.0! Labs has asked that anyone who suspects fluffernutter consumption may be at the root of their sexual deviance to contact them immediately at: fluffernuttersyndrome@gmail.com. Read more...
