The Most Notorious Vegetables Alive! (Pt. 1)
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Because vegetables pose a threat to mankind. Sure, they're nutritious, extremely shy, and border on absolutely adorable, BUT that's EXACTLY what they want you to think. By underestimating the high intelligence of vegetables, we have sown the seeds to our own destruction. Excruciating pun intended.
In order to save the world from the most subtle campaign of death waged by these nefarious sprouts, we, at Babyheads!, have compiled a profile of the most dangerous vegetables on the planet.
Disclaimer: this information could very well put your life in danger. Death threats from leafy greens, and the like, are not uncommon in the revolutionary world of veggie iconoclasts. Some of the following images might shock you. Consider yourself warned!
Probably one of the most feared vegetables alive, Cauliflower is known for crippling men with abject terror. A long time member of one of Russia's most powerful mafias, Cauliflower has been said to regularly devour the hearts of children just for fun, which is extremely unfair to children, believe me. It's unabashed sense of arrogance and its bulbous facial features make it one of the boldest instruments of death on your vegetable stand. Paralleling his political leanings, Cauliflower believes in absolute equality and scowls at the misguided philosophies of the bourgeois. His role models are Raul Castro, Marylin Monroe, Boxcar Willie, and Mike Tyson.
Alias: Greg, Mr. Lova Lova, Tony the Screwdriver, Prince
Carrot is quiet and somewhat unassuming, but behind that calm exterior there lies a rampant white supremacist just waiting for an all out race war. Yes, this might not be news to some of you who have suspected it all along, but carrots are racists. And not only that, but they are the biggest proponents of Eugenics! It was once said by a carrot defector, whose name will remain undisclosed for security reasons, that carrots themselves have been behind quite a number of genocidal atrocities! I'm telling you! Racists! Why do you think Yosemite Sam was all up on Bugs Bunny's dick, trying to fuck his shit up? Well, probably because Bugs Bunny was always eating Yosemite Sam's racist carrot friends! Ever think of that? I mean, how would you react if some wackass bunny face was all chomping on your friends' toes and thigh meats? It would piss you off, wouldn't it? That's one of the reasons carrots have decided to be racist, because they're tired of being eaten by bunny faces.
Alias: Rude Boy (pronounced bway in the super sweet Jamaican way), Abba Cadaba, Tom Jones, Ali Baga
Political Affiliation: Independent
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Too Short (oh wait, I mean, Too $hort)
Crime Syndicate: RHS (Red Hat Society)
Perhaps the most gentle of these monsters, Rutabaga spends his time lounging at the local sauna, waxing his calves, and generally enjoying the life of a middle-aged woman. He's the only male veggie to have gained admittance into the Red Hat Society. The above photo was taken in Cancun only a couple of months prior to his inception into the old grannie hat community, which is why he's not wearing one. Yet as gentle as he is, his admittance in the Red Hat Society should give you an idea of just how dangerous he is. The Society is known for their bloodthirsty greetings and ritualistic nightmare songs, which to the layman sound like chants of melodic glee. Don't be fooled! When Rutabaga puts on his hat you can pretty much bet that he has a rabid midget under it just waiting to be sicked on the uninitiated.
Oh, look at the time. Want to know more about evil veggies? Stay tuned for another useless segment of....The Most Notorious Vegetables Alive!. See you next time and make sure to steer clear from these violent manipulators in the meantime.
_____
And now, a word from our non-veggie Sponsors:
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In order to save the world from the most subtle campaign of death waged by these nefarious sprouts, we, at Babyheads!, have compiled a profile of the most dangerous vegetables on the planet.
Disclaimer: this information could very well put your life in danger. Death threats from leafy greens, and the like, are not uncommon in the revolutionary world of veggie iconoclasts. Some of the following images might shock you. Consider yourself warned!
CAULIFLOWER
Alias: Chlamydia Joe, Buster, Joe Brothback, Jedd
Political Affiliation: Communist
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Craig Mack
Crime Syndicate: капуста Brotherhood
Probably one of the most feared vegetables alive, Cauliflower is known for crippling men with abject terror. A long time member of one of Russia's most powerful mafias, Cauliflower has been said to regularly devour the hearts of children just for fun, which is extremely unfair to children, believe me. It's unabashed sense of arrogance and its bulbous facial features make it one of the boldest instruments of death on your vegetable stand. Paralleling his political leanings, Cauliflower believes in absolute equality and scowls at the misguided philosophies of the bourgeois. His role models are Raul Castro, Marylin Monroe, Boxcar Willie, and Mike Tyson.
EGGPLANT
Alias: Greg, Mr. Lova Lova, Tony the Screwdriver, Prince
Political Affiliation: Democrat
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Jay-Z
Crime Syndicate: Unknown
Eggplant remains a mystery to U.S. intelligence and law enforcement officials alike. The thing is, he's a master of disguise. The donning of a simple handlebar mustache could render Eggplant completely invisible. No one knows where he came from nor where he resides. What IS known is that he has served as Consiglieri for a number of international crime families but has always managed to slip away during orchestrated stings. Some say he's actually a double, triple, or quadruple agent. But, we, at Babyheads!, feel that he knows no law and works for himself. This makes him one of the most unpredictable specimens on our list.
CARROT
Alias: The Shark, Ace, 20/20, Larkin Long, Snaggletooth
Political Affiliation: Conservative Republican
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Ludacris
Crime Syndicate: KKK
Carrot is quiet and somewhat unassuming, but behind that calm exterior there lies a rampant white supremacist just waiting for an all out race war. Yes, this might not be news to some of you who have suspected it all along, but carrots are racists. And not only that, but they are the biggest proponents of Eugenics! It was once said by a carrot defector, whose name will remain undisclosed for security reasons, that carrots themselves have been behind quite a number of genocidal atrocities! I'm telling you! Racists! Why do you think Yosemite Sam was all up on Bugs Bunny's dick, trying to fuck his shit up? Well, probably because Bugs Bunny was always eating Yosemite Sam's racist carrot friends! Ever think of that? I mean, how would you react if some wackass bunny face was all chomping on your friends' toes and thigh meats? It would piss you off, wouldn't it? That's one of the reasons carrots have decided to be racist, because they're tired of being eaten by bunny faces.
RUTABAGA
Political Affiliation: Independent
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Too Short (oh wait, I mean, Too $hort)
Crime Syndicate: RHS (Red Hat Society)
Perhaps the most gentle of these monsters, Rutabaga spends his time lounging at the local sauna, waxing his calves, and generally enjoying the life of a middle-aged woman. He's the only male veggie to have gained admittance into the Red Hat Society. The above photo was taken in Cancun only a couple of months prior to his inception into the old grannie hat community, which is why he's not wearing one. Yet as gentle as he is, his admittance in the Red Hat Society should give you an idea of just how dangerous he is. The Society is known for their bloodthirsty greetings and ritualistic nightmare songs, which to the layman sound like chants of melodic glee. Don't be fooled! When Rutabaga puts on his hat you can pretty much bet that he has a rabid midget under it just waiting to be sicked on the uninitiated.
(Arcimboldo was actually a Broccoli disguised as a man.The hateful, esoteric symbolism in this piece is clear as day. Consider.)
YAM
Alias: Yam
Political Affiliation: Fascist
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Ja Rule
Crime Syndicate: The Deadly Deadlies; Harlem Globetrotters; Nelson-Ruiz Cartel
Yam is notorious for burning his women with hair irons and eating ramen with a spork. It may sound random, but this actually happens to be his modus operandi. Always leaving a melted, MSG doused spork at the scene of a crime, Yam has been connected to about 43 fatal muggings and the hijacking of a large barn. Yam is a master of the underground, mostly because he grew up there, and one of the most elusive veggies on the planet because of this (the Viet Cong actually contracted him back in the 1640's so that he can help them create tunnels for them to play in when they got bored or lonely). It was actually Yam who coined the term, "Gorilla Warfare". He really liked Gorillas because they liked war...and some times Cheetos...but mostly war and he liked that they liked those things, especially the Cheetos part. Like Eggplant, he's also a master of disguise and so he can hide in your belly when you eat him and evade the grasp of law enforcement. But don't be charmed by his...charm because Yam is a fuckhead.
Alias: Fat Danny, Cucu Marrow, Pig Face Mambo
Political Affiliation: Middle of the Road
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Fat Joe
Crime Syndicate: Antonelli Crime Family
Note the fierce gaze of the above squash as he stands triumphant over the scattered limbs of his enemy squash. Those are the beady eyes of a murderer, but of course, we'd rather blind ourselves to the reality on the cowardly pretense that squash is starchy and therefore good for you. Bullshit. As forerunner of one of the five major New York crime families, Antonelli Capo, Squash (or Fat Danny, as he's known among his cohorts), has a finger in pretty much everything illicit going down in the greater Northeast area. Most of you aren't aware of this, but one of his first recruits was Squanto, who deferred to Squash in the most bitch like fashion, eventually leading to an expansion of the Squash network via the Puritans. Squash was indeed responsible for Thanksgiving, a holiday that started out as corn extortion and loan-sharking. Squash also wears women's shoes when he's in the mood.
SQUASH
Alias: Fat Danny, Cucu Marrow, Pig Face Mambo
Political Affiliation: Middle of the Road
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Fat Joe
Crime Syndicate: Antonelli Crime Family
Note the fierce gaze of the above squash as he stands triumphant over the scattered limbs of his enemy squash. Those are the beady eyes of a murderer, but of course, we'd rather blind ourselves to the reality on the cowardly pretense that squash is starchy and therefore good for you. Bullshit. As forerunner of one of the five major New York crime families, Antonelli Capo, Squash (or Fat Danny, as he's known among his cohorts), has a finger in pretty much everything illicit going down in the greater Northeast area. Most of you aren't aware of this, but one of his first recruits was Squanto, who deferred to Squash in the most bitch like fashion, eventually leading to an expansion of the Squash network via the Puritans. Squash was indeed responsible for Thanksgiving, a holiday that started out as corn extortion and loan-sharking. Squash also wears women's shoes when he's in the mood.
Oh, look at the time. Want to know more about evil veggies? Stay tuned for another useless segment of....The Most Notorious Vegetables Alive!. See you next time and make sure to steer clear from these violent manipulators in the meantime.
_____
And now, a word from our non-veggie Sponsors:
