Lessons in History: Part 1, The Stone Age

Hello, we're adding a new feature to Babyheads 2.0! As the school systems seem to be ignoring the subject altogether, we've decided to help the public learn the exciting subject of history, in installments. As a professional archaeologist, you have the wealth of my knowledge at your disposal. So, let's begin at the very beginning of human existence and my particular specialty...

(The above is an illustration of history.)



PREHISTORY

As prehistory encompasses 99% of human existence, it is a shame it is largely ignored for periods that have flashier artifacts and movies made about them like 'Ivanhoe' and 'The 13th Warrior'. Today we'll focus on the earliest part of prehistory...

THE STONE AGE

The Stone Age is 99% of Prehistory. When humans began the long road to evolution, they very kindly did it in an easy to remember three part process, the first being the Old Stone Age, or...

PALAEOLITHIC
(99% of The Stone Age)

It began when an ugly ape thing named Homo habilis hit a rock against another rock two and a half million years ago. And that was named "TOOL". It was the first of a long line of tools produced by humans.

Tool:

Tool:


Of course, the human race did not start making hammers and douchebags with such skill. This evolution took thousands of years. Here is a chart for quick reference:

garden of eden - 1,500,000 years ago = Homo habilis = hunting, crude/expedient stone tools, crude motorcycles

1,500,000 - 500,000 years ago = Homo erectus = vacations/tourism, douchebags, sweet motorcycles, atlatls, good tools (e.g. bowflex)

800,000 - 799,999 years ago = Homo floresiensis = being tiny

500,000 - 25,000 years ago = Homo neanderthalensis = Art, Ron Perlman

200,000 years ago - 1962 = Homo sapiens = computers, douchebags (refined model), fire

Hope that cleared it up. Anyway, Homo habilis, feeling a job well done, sat down on its ass for one million years. By this time, a new sexy human had evolved. Homo erectus was a real go-getter. Standing tall and looking down at Homo habilis with contempt while the latter played with its dented stones, Homo erectus decided that the scene here was lame, and cruised on out of there on the Harley's they built.



Homo erectus spread to every corner of the earth on their sweet rides, except America since they couldn't obtain the proper visas once they mentioned they were from Africa. After a while they became bored and complacent with their superiority and thus invented Pro Wrestling and Miller High Life. Eventually, these glorious warrior/actors of the ring evolved into something new....and sinister: the NEANDERTHALS

The best way to describe the Neanderthals is they were a combination of a grizzly bear, the bumbling redcoats from Pirates of the Caribbean, and a BLT when the bacon is hickory smoked. Follow? Good, moving along....

MODERN HUMANS

Eventually the Neanderthals' scripts for pro wrestling become a bit too far fetched as they ran out of believable twists and surprise entrances. A certain group of Homo erectus, which was still around and had gotten fat from watching pro wrestling and swigging Milwaukee's Best ('The Beast'), just couldn't take it when Big Show's father died for the seventh time during a match with Boss Man. They decided to put down the bong, join a gym, enter a community college, thus paving the way for the evolution into the best damn human yet, Homo sapiens.

Should not have made fun of Big Show's Dad:

At this point, perfection having been attained, evolution completely stopped and we have remained the magnificent and wise creatures we are today.

Magnificent You:

Stay tuned for the Stone Age part 2: The Mesolithic and Neolithic and learn how we bitch slapped mother nature right in the mouth!!