Where are they now?! (The Goonies)

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It's Gaddafi, bitches!

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Inventions That Should Have Existed By Now

Because of all the useless crap that we utilize every day of our goddamn lives (i.e. airplanes, soap, stoves, contraceptives, cars, clothing), it's about time we invested in things that actually matter.

  LINT-BE-GONE

(Belly-Button Lint Protector)

This guy is pretty cool. He agrees that LINT-BE-GONE should have been invented a little before the wheel. No one knows where belly-button lint comes from. Many have speculated, and some have even tried to prevent it by foregoing clothing for weeks on end, but little has ever come of it 'til now. Say goodbye to strangely textured fur-balls nuzzling in your stomach! Say goodbye to random peanut M&M's hidden in your gut! Lint-Be-Gone is here! Also available for babies, salt cubes, and telephone poles.

THE MEZNER AND CLINE LAUGHTER INSTITUTE

(A Laughing School)

Tired of great friends who are otherwise horrible laughers? Tired of blood oozing out your ear every time you are forced to overhear that forced cackle of superficial middle-aged women on your commute to work? Tired of regretting the re-telling of that great racist joke you know and love so much simply because Joe Dickneck does not know how to laugh correctly?

Well now, with a brief, 4-semester certificate program at MCLI, all of those morons can perfect their laughter and rejoin normal society! With our approved-accreditation and competent staff of professional laughers, you can be sure that after graduation, Joe Dickneck will never laugh like an asshole again! Enroll TODAY!

Breeze Crotch

Breeze Crotch should have been invented along with briefs. Let's face it, fellahs, nothing is worse than summer stew-crotch, especially when out on a picnic with a rocking babe (or Aunt Edna). Breeze Crotch employs a self-regulating cooling fan that cools you down when you need it most.

Take our model, Jonas, for instance, as you can see from the complex artistic rendering, it may be summer out, but it's winter in his junk! Don't like the Rugged-Tuxedo look, Breeze Crotch is also available in a variety of colors, patterns, and sizes!

Still Not satisfied? How about a bigger package? Done! As a result of the uncomfortable (and 100% safe) size and placement of the Breeze Crotch fan, you can now live out your fantasy of being Labyrinth's Jareth The Goblin, as immortalized by that sweet piece of meat, David Bowie! Crotch rot? Breeze it with Breeze Crotch!

COLONEL KENNEL BARKING SCHOOL

You don't have to hate animals to dislike the heart-wrenching disaster that is a moronic and ill-informed dog bark. Some dogs just don't know what they're doing. They go ahead and open their mouths only to sound like dying possums, mating squirrels, or even, on much rarer ocassions, Paula Cole songs!

The thing is, dogs have been so domesticated by pussy-ass people, that in most cases, they've lost their doggie mojos and overall will to live. But those days are over! From the people that brought you Bacon Bits and the hit movie, Benji, we present Colonel Kennel Barking School- for dogs who want to take control of their lives!

CKBS will not only provide your cute, little doggies with the effective power and pitch needed for their barking needs, but will also help them develop a solid sense of worth and physical acumen! Have a bitch-ass dog? Send him to CKBS! CKBS, give your dog a new leash on life!

TOE-MATIC

(The Finger/Toe Dispenser)

According to Newsweekly, each year, somewhere between 3 and 15,687 people lose a finger or toe on the job. Imagine having to go through life without one of those babies. Do you work with dangerous equipment? Did you just nod? Good. Are you worried that this might happen to you? Nodding? Stop fucking worrying! Now with the Toe-Matic, you no longer have to worry about long lines at the emergency room or about disposing of your diseased bloody paper towels! Because with Toe-Matic, you can pop on a new appendage at the simple snap of a finger!

Simply, refill the Toe-Matic regularly with the fingers/toes of refugees or undocumented citizens, accidentally cut, and pop! You're all set! It's THAT simple. Safe job environment? Don't fret! Distract or play a trick on your co-worker! He'll be laughing in no time when he sees how easy the Toe-Matic is to use! Bad Commentary gives the Toe-Matic two thumbs up!

Face it, we're all going to die horrible deaths, like getting snuggled into complete ecstasy by friendly dolphins, or mowed down by the gentle kisses of angelic golden retrievers. These inventions, which SHOULD HAVE ALREADY EXISTED, will dramatically extend the amount of time we spend on this goddamn awesome planet! So buy one today! (Invention or planet, makes no difference.)

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BABIES...doing AMAZING things!!!

BABY SWIMMING!

BABY SMOKING A CIGARETTE!

BABY BEING FAT!

BABY EATING APPLE SAUCE!

BABY BREAKDANCING!

BABY USING THE iPHONE AND FACEBOOK!

BABY SINGING THE BEATLES!

BABY COOKING...AND PEEING ON HIMSELF!

BABY WITH GEOGRAPHY SKILLS!

BABIES AT WORK!

BABY CRYING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!

(You might notice that the above video has been deleted. The video was a collection of clips in which Glenn Beck pulls his little crying stint to arouse sympathy in his minions. Surely, this is FoxNews' doing and I think it says a lot about how much FoxNews agrees that Glenn Beck is a little bitch. Point taken.)

Support BABYHEADS! Please mail your children to:

P.O. BOX 900

BEVERLY HILLS, CA 90213-0900

Thank you.

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Top 10 People Who Fucked Up The Planet

In no particular order of importance. Click on links for illustrations:

(Even Boner was cooler than you. THAT was a rockstar!)

1. Kirk Cameron (for not following your destiny of becoming a strung out heroin addict and/or crackhead. This should've been your path. You had true potential and you became a jerk. You've disappointed all of us for getting all up on god's dick. Step off his jock, man, he don't like you. Youse mad wack, b!) Counteracting Agent: Gary Coleman. He may be tiny, but at least HE's been to the dark side, Willis!

 (More like Nostra-dumb-ass. Oh man, I kill me. Shut up.)

2. Nostradamus (for being wrong about absolutely everything. Although, kudos on being the first medieval drag-queen.) Counteracting Agent: Negrodamus (Paul Mooney)

 (If you look closely, you can see burning skulls embedded in the rose petals.)

3. That dude at the Vienna Academy who rejected Hitler's art (for obvious reasons. Way to go! You can inhale a nut for that.) Counteracting Agent: Bob Ross. He erases bad dreams with little strokes of magic.

 (YOU try drawing a heart on a laptop!)

4. Richard Nixon, and his little boyfriend, Henry Kissinger (for being a general dick and for giving pretty much every country a Hot Carl. If you're a ghost somewhere, I hope George Washington gives you a Cleveland Steamer and possibly a Michael Douglas.) Counteracting Agent: Abbot and Costello.

(Jesus loved dinosaurs.) 

5. Jesus (for helping create Born Agains, innocuous Eucharist wafers that taste like foam, unnecessary wars, Pacifists who never fight back, and ruining perfectly good tortillas with your narcissism.) Counteracting Agent: Patrick Swayze (I know, he's dead. But perhaps a series of highly coordinated international replays of all his movies will bring him back from the ether. Only his dance moves can counter Jesus' sick break dancing. Not to mention that Swayze appearing on a tortilla is waaaay more interesting.)

 (Pindar?)

6. John D. Rockefeller (for being the absolute devil. So blood thirsty you wanted the Earth's blood and so tried draining it of all its oil. According to sources, you actually drank oil and munched on squirrel femurs on a regular basis, which is why you needed such a vast supply of both. If anyone were ever a Reptile, it would've been you. And if you're still alive somehow, though, please don't eat me.) Counteracting Agent: David Icke
 

(Nothing But Trouble?) 

7. Lou Perlman (on the one hand, we thank you for taking advantage of NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys. Who knows, without you, they probably would've still been around. However, what in Jebus' name would you have done with all that money which would've otherwise gone to people who needed it? Buy an infinite amount of Bree and Swedish meatballs? I hope you get molested by Suge Knight on Death Row, if you ever make it there.) Counteracting Agent: Menudo

(You truly are a Song Bird.)

8. Kenny G. (for destroying the saxophone after Jazz was doing so well.Your music has helped conceive an endless amount of babies who are now subliminally programmed with a predisposition to elevator romance. You have punched love in the face, deforming it irreparably. You make root canals seem tame and you have shifted the earth's access with your magnetic curls.) Counteracting Agent: Tim Cappello. You may all briefly remember him from his dynamic and explicitly alluring cameo in The Lost Boys. He is the only creation strong enough to erase the Kenny G. taint still smothering our planet's sex vibe. Don't believe me? Watch.

(So handsome.)

9. Jason Priestley (for making a whole generation of teenagers and pre-teens feel bad about themselves by comparison. Your baby blue eyes were so electrifying that we had to second-guess ourselves before making googly eyes at cheerleaders who wanted Jason Priestleys. You were the reason why most of us stuck to Nintendo when we would've otherwise have been procreating to save the planet from Scientologists and Vanilla Ice wannabees.You should've shared your mojo, man.) Counteracting Agent: Zack Morris

  (Thanks for the pussification!)

10. The inventor of the Chicken Soup books (for damaging the men who's wives forced your books on them so as to engage their sympathies and bring forth their feminine sides. There were other ways to do that like braiding, Easy Bake ovens, sleep overs, reruns of Saved by the Bell, and Sweet Valley High.) Counteracting Agent: Hustler (or, The Boxcar Children Series)

Bonus:

That guy beneath Barney the Dinosaur's suit (for corrupting an endless score of youths that no longer know their asses from their elbows. And for staining our minds with the "Apples and Bananas" song. Damn you, it's so good!) Counteracting agent: Oscar The Grouch. At least HE was real and could fuck yo whole shit up. So to speak.


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BEST YO' MOMMA JOKES OF ALL TIME!

Because dissing your mom is awesome! The following are a list of the ULTIMATE BEST-EST BEST-EST Yo Momma jokes (Snaps) of all time! Make sure to memorize them ALL so that next time you're at a party you can launch one at some dude and get punched right in the fucking face!

 FAT JOKES:

• Your mother is so fat that when she attends her local, independent theater, she has a difficult time making her way through the aisles without upsetting a number of movie-goers.

• Your mother is so heavy, her belt buckle had to be custom made in order to disallow the sudden opening of her belt latch.

• Your mother is indeed so corpulent that she resembles one of Botero's large, effeminate figures.

• Your mother's contours are so irregularly round and defined that it's difficult to believe that she is not suffering from obesity symptoms.

• Your mother is so overweight that she suffers from an acute case of high cholesterol.

STUPID JOKES:

• Your mother's intelligence is so below-average that whenever she's at the super market, she has trouble itemizing her expenses.

•  Your mother is so slow, she has a hard time performing basic mathematics and solving simple algebraic equations.

•  Your mother is so stupid, her self-esteem is severely affected by her inability to cope with the world on a normal level. She's currently undergoing counseling in order to improve her perceived self-image as well as her distinctive cognitive issues.

• Your mother is so stupid, she was convinced that it wasn't cold outside even when it was. She then found herself in quite a predicament without a jacket in the extremely frigid weather.

• Your mother is so stupid, she thought the Lord of the Rings anthology was actually a film before it was a literary series.

• Your mother is so stupid, she thought the term 'oxymoron' was a very insensitive insult. I assured her that it was not, but because she is not very bright, she argued that it was even after showing her a standard dictionary entry. I wish I could say that there was an end to the argument, but her disagreement was unyielding, so I agreed with her in order to make her feel better. She then referred to me as an 'oxymoron', which in a way was actually correct considering the sudden change in my stance from defending the actual definition to suddenly siding with the incorrect one. Perhaps this inconsistency in my constitution was construed as 'oxymoronic', making the poetic usage of the term 'oxymoron' slightly correct. Perhaps I've misjudged your mother's intelligence after all? I'm open to the possibility.

• Your mother is so slow, she needs assistance with day to day tasks due to her inability to accurately follow instructions.

SKINNY JOKES:

• Your mother is so skinny that she is regularly confused with an anorexic patient even though she eats apples and pears at least three times a day.

• Your mother is so thin that she has no use whatsoever for weight loss programs. In fact, given her thin demeanor, a weight loss program may actually prove detrimental to her overall health.

• Your mother happens to be so emaciated that she resembles a female-rendering of the iconic, historical figure, Jesus Christ.

• Your mother is so thin that I can pick her up with little difficulty. She is actually that light, which is strange since, like I said before, she eats foodstuffs regularly. I believe that perhaps her thinness stems from some kind of genetic predisposition.

• Your mother is so skinny that her socks often hang from her ankles. The only places where she can get socks that actually fit her are at Goodwill Thrift Shops, Marshalls, and CVS Pharmacies. Although, they do tend to run out of supplies regularly, which is strange considering the rarity of her weight condition. I'm pretty sure you don't know many 47 year-old's weighing a measly 98 pounds. Your mom and I often wonder where the socks go. Although, she once, perhaps quite accurately, conjectured that the thin socks were possibly being purchased by younger children, or parents shopping for younger children. This makes sense since young children seem to be in the same weight class as your mother.

• Your mother is so thin, she eats crackers without cheese, guava paste, or hummus.

MISCELLANEOUS JOKES:

• Your mother is so rambunctious, she has a tendency to engage in very spontaneous activities which confound her friends and family to a large degree.

• Your mother is so dark that she is often subject to racial discrimination by very foolish parties who have yet to see the evils of racism.

•  Your mother has so much facial hair that she often resembles a heavily-bearded male.

•  Your mother is so pious, she prays every single day and never misses her confessional appointments with the town priest. She is also very active in her parochial community, providing the church with a modest weekly stipend.

• Your mother's accent is pronounced that she is often confused for a foreign citizen (i.e. Kazakhstani, Ethiopian, or even West Timorese, which is strange since her accent is not THAT pronounced- but I suppose people have different ways of assessing certain dialects. Not to mention that some people haven't had the opportunity of engaging with individuals from these countries, so that they may have no frames of reference with which to make said evaluations).  

• Your mother is so hairy, she resembles the mythical Yeti that is said to reside in the mountains of Tibet.

• Your mother is so gullible, she wholeheartedly believed me when I told her that it was actually raining cats and dogs outside.

• Your mother's teeth are so white that they gleam even during the darker hours of the evening, which is a big strange, but also very interesting to watch.

• Your mother is so devout that she dismisses any scientific theory that affirms the possibility of dinosaurs having once lived on the planet.

• Your mother is so old-fashioned, she has yet to discard the Ptolemaic belief that the Sun revolves around the Earth.

• Your mother is so understanding that, this one time, while attempting to purchase a Snicker bar at a vending machine, she gave me a quarter when she realized that I was short in change.

For all of you sensitive mothers out there, I sincerely hope that these Yo Momma jokes did not succeed in offending your sensibilities. I simply believe that one should be armed for the next Yo Momma joke battle. If you're a mother, you should be ready to retaliate with some sick jokes and if you're not a mother and have one who's awesome (and possibly hot), you should be ready, as well.

I hope that all you hot MILFs, GILFs, GGILFs, GGGILFS, and non-MILF's (it's alright, I'm sure someone loves you) out there have had (and continue having) a pleasant Mother's Day. Make sure to eat lots of delicious foodstuffs. Also, make sure to pressure your offspring and significant others into giving you gifts. If pressure doesn't work, use guilt or violence or both (tickling also works) to get what you need! Good night!

P.S. That little duck is buggin!

______

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The Most Notorious Vegetables Alive! (Pt. 1)

Because vegetables pose a threat to mankind. Sure, they're nutritious, extremely shy, and border on absolutely adorable, BUT that's EXACTLY what they want you to think. By underestimating the high intelligence of vegetables, we have sown the seeds to our own destruction. Excruciating pun intended.

In order to save the world from the most subtle campaign of death waged by these nefarious sprouts, we, at Babyheads!, have compiled a profile of the most dangerous vegetables on the planet.

Disclaimer: this information could very well put your life in danger. Death threats from leafy greens, and the like, are not uncommon in the revolutionary world of veggie iconoclasts. Some of the following images might shock you. Consider yourself warned!

CAULIFLOWER

Alias: Chlamydia Joe, Buster, Joe Brothback, Jedd

Political Affiliation: Communist

Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Craig Mack

Crime Syndicate: капуста Brotherhood

Probably one of the most feared vegetables alive, Cauliflower is known for crippling men with abject terror. A long time member of one of Russia's most powerful mafias, Cauliflower has been said to regularly devour the hearts of children just for fun, which is extremely unfair to children, believe me. It's unabashed sense of arrogance and its bulbous facial features make it one of the boldest instruments of death on your vegetable stand. Paralleling his political leanings, Cauliflower believes in absolute equality and scowls at the misguided philosophies of the bourgeois. His role models are Raul Castro, Marylin Monroe, Boxcar Willie, and Mike Tyson.

EGGPLANT

Alias: Greg, Mr. Lova Lova, Tony the Screwdriver, Prince

Political Affiliation: Democrat

Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Jay-Z

Crime Syndicate: Unknown

Eggplant remains a mystery to U.S. intelligence and law enforcement officials alike. The thing is, he's a master of disguise. The donning of a simple handlebar mustache could render Eggplant completely invisible. No one knows where he came from nor where he resides. What IS known is that he has served as Consiglieri for a number of international crime families but has always managed to slip away during orchestrated stings. Some say he's actually a double, triple, or quadruple agent. But, we, at Babyheads!, feel that he knows no law and works for himself. This makes him one of the most unpredictable specimens on our list.

CARROT

Alias: The Shark, Ace, 20/20, Larkin Long, Snaggletooth

Political Affiliation: Conservative Republican

Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Ludacris

Crime Syndicate: KKK

Carrot is quiet and somewhat unassuming, but behind that calm exterior there lies a rampant white supremacist just waiting for an all out race war. Yes, this might not be news to some of you who have suspected it all along, but carrots are racists. And not only that, but they are the biggest proponents of Eugenics! It was once said by a carrot defector, whose name will remain undisclosed for security reasons, that carrots themselves have been behind quite a number of genocidal atrocities! I'm telling you! Racists! Why do you think Yosemite Sam was all up on Bugs Bunny's dick, trying to fuck his shit up? Well, probably because Bugs Bunny was always eating Yosemite Sam's racist carrot friends! Ever think of that? I mean, how would you react if some wackass bunny face was all chomping on your friends' toes and thigh meats? It would piss you off, wouldn't it? That's one of the reasons carrots have decided to be racist, because they're tired of being eaten by bunny faces.

RUTABAGA

Alias: Rude Boy (pronounced bway in the super sweet Jamaican way), Abba Cadaba, Tom Jones, Ali Baga
Political Affiliation: Independent
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Too Short (oh wait, I mean, Too $hort)
Crime Syndicate: RHS (Red Hat Society)

Perhaps the most gentle of these monsters, Rutabaga spends his time lounging at the local sauna, waxing his calves, and generally enjoying the life of a middle-aged woman. He's the only male veggie to have gained admittance into the Red Hat Society. The above photo was taken in Cancun only a couple of months prior to his inception into the old grannie hat community, which is why he's not wearing one. Yet as gentle as he is, his admittance in the Red Hat Society should give you an idea of just how dangerous he is. The Society is known for their bloodthirsty greetings and ritualistic nightmare songs, which to the layman sound like chants of melodic glee. Don't be fooled! When Rutabaga puts on his hat you can pretty much bet that he has a rabid midget under it just waiting to be sicked on the uninitiated.

(Arcimboldo was actually a Broccoli disguised as a man.The hateful, esoteric symbolism in this piece is clear as day. Consider.)

YAM

Alias: Yam

Political Affiliation: Fascist

Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Ja Rule

Crime Syndicate: The Deadly Deadlies; Harlem Globetrotters; Nelson-Ruiz Cartel

Yam is notorious for burning his women with hair irons and eating ramen with a spork. It may sound random, but this actually happens to be his modus operandi. Always leaving a melted, MSG doused spork at the scene of a crime, Yam has been connected to about 43 fatal muggings and the hijacking of a large barn. Yam is a master of the underground, mostly because he grew up there, and one of the most elusive veggies on the planet because of this (the Viet Cong actually contracted him back in the 1640's so that he can help them create tunnels for them to play in when they got bored or lonely). It was actually Yam who coined the term, "Gorilla Warfare". He really liked Gorillas because they liked war...and some times Cheetos...but mostly war and he liked that they liked those things, especially the Cheetos part. Like Eggplant, he's also a master of disguise and so he can hide in your belly when you eat him and evade the grasp of law enforcement. But don't be charmed by his...charm because Yam is a fuckhead.

SQUASH

Alias: Fat Danny, Cucu Marrow, Pig Face Mambo
Political Affiliation: Middle of the Road
Ugly Rapper Resemblance: Fat Joe
Crime Syndicate: Antonelli Crime Family

Note the fierce gaze of the above squash as he stands triumphant over the scattered limbs of his enemy squash. Those are the beady eyes of a murderer, but of course, we'd rather blind ourselves to the reality on the cowardly pretense that squash is starchy and therefore good for you. Bullshit. As forerunner of one of the five major New York crime families, Antonelli Capo, Squash (or Fat Danny, as he's known among his cohorts), has a finger in pretty much everything illicit going down in the greater Northeast area. Most of you aren't aware of this, but one of his first recruits was Squanto, who deferred to Squash in the most bitch like fashion, eventually leading to an expansion of the Squash network via the Puritans. Squash was indeed responsible for Thanksgiving, a holiday that started out as corn extortion and loan-sharking. Squash also wears women's shoes when he's in the mood.

Oh, look at the time. Want to know more about evil veggies? Stay tuned for another useless segment of....The Most Notorious Vegetables Alive!. See you next time and make sure to steer clear from these violent manipulators in the meantime.

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10 Reasons Why You Should Love Justin Bieber

(The new Boy Wonder. What a hunk!)

10. He's beautiful. He reminds you of a strawberry-scented sunset. You can smell it and feel its rays, but it's too resplendent to look at directly. So when you look at Justin Bieber, make sure to wear dark sunglasses.

9. He needs your support because he has no forehead. Those bangs are just a cover for the sadly concave upper portion of his face. Some people are simply not fortunate enough to be blessed with foreheads at birth, so we must be there for them.

8. He's the first transgender teen pop-star. If you really think about it, the fact that he's so immensely popular is super-progressive in a country like ours. I suppose he's just to super-sweet to be heckled. I guess it's true that he's taking the world by storm.

7. His politics are super informed and sophisticated. He once said in an interview that he doesn't care about that stuff, which is code for I'm a Conservative Republican with rich liberal leanings. I wouldn't be surprised if at the age of 18, he became the first teenage President. Then Inaugurations would be fun and full of candy-coated rainbows.

  (Justin Bieber skateboards, too?!)

6. He's gentle like a cloud, which is more than I can say for you macho types who drink straight petroleum and wrestle sharks. Justin Bieber is sensitive to a lady's needs and this is why he's so successful. So don't hate.

5. He's from Canada, so he has health insurance. People with health insurance are way better than people without it. And if you have MassHealth, or any of its other unfortunate permutations, you know that you are inferior to the healthy young lad that is Justin Bieber.

4. He can melt you by simply pointing his finger at you. Justin Bieber has mastered the pop-star pointing technique. That's when an international pop icon simply raises his hand and points directly at you while squinting an evocative gaze. If he manages to bite his lip while doing so, you know you're in the zone!

(Prepare to be puddles, ladies...and gents, as well.)

3. Justin Bieber's favorite color is purple. Need I say more?

2. Justin Bieber is left-handed, which means that he's no stranger to ink smudges (that's a profound metaphor, people). And it also means that his writing hand hurts a lot when he uses regular notebooks, what with the prejudiced engineering of aluminum notebook bindings and all. In other words, he knows what it is to feel pain, which means that he can elevate you.

1. His voice is changing, but that won't stop him. Justin Bieber laughs in the face of puberty. In fact, since he's a transgender pop icon, he's going through several layers of puberty at once which should tell you something about how insidiously amazing he is!

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In short, Justin Bieber cares about you. So LOVE Justin Bieber, because he has the power to change you, to illuminate you, and make you 10 times sexier than you already are. Fact.

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Tender Hitler Moments

"Ich want mein blankey!!!"

"Without my mustache, my face looks like a vagina."

"Pay no mind to the flames erupting from my sleeve as I devour my hand."

(Only one thing comes to mind. Click Play.)

"The metrosexual of tomorrow will have large hips and effeminate ears!"

"My other ride is an incinerator."

"Me so loveh tha pasta!"

"So I says to him, I says...just use the "POLISH Remover"! Oh, man."

"God, I wish he'd take that shot, I think I'm spotting."

 "What what. For I can raise the roof indeed. Nah mean!"

"That's right, have your fun, old man. Tomorrow, I shall loot your source of breast-milk and feast on your babyhead."

"This kingdom will one day be yours, Frodo."

"Vagina, averted."

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