Inventions That Should Have Existed By Now
Friday, March 22, 2013
Because of all the useless crap that we utilize every day of our goddamn lives (i.e. airplanes, soap, stoves, contraceptives, cars, clothing), it's about time we invested in things that actually matter.
This guy is pretty cool. He agrees that LINT-BE-GONE should have been invented a little before the wheel. No one knows where belly-button lint comes from. Many have speculated, and some have even tried to prevent it by foregoing clothing for weeks on end, but little has ever come of it 'til now. Say goodbye to strangely textured fur-balls nuzzling in your stomach! Say goodbye to random peanut M&M's hidden in your gut! Lint-Be-Gone is here! Also available for babies, salt cubes, and telephone poles.
Breeze Crotch should have been invented along with briefs. Let's face it, fellahs, nothing is worse than summer stew-crotch, especially when out on a picnic with a rocking babe (or Aunt Edna). Breeze Crotch employs a self-regulating cooling fan that cools you down when you need it most.
Take our model, Jonas, for instance, as you can see from the complex artistic rendering, it may be summer out, but it's winter in his junk! Don't like the Rugged-Tuxedo look, Breeze Crotch is also available in a variety of colors, patterns, and sizes!
Still Not satisfied? How about a bigger package? Done! As a result of the uncomfortable (and 100% safe) size and placement of the Breeze Crotch fan, you can now live out your fantasy of being Labyrinth's Jareth The Goblin, as immortalized by that sweet piece of meat, David Bowie! Crotch rot? Breeze it with Breeze Crotch!
According to Newsweekly, each year, somewhere between 3 and 15,687 people lose a finger or toe on the job. Imagine having to go through life without one of those babies. Do you work with dangerous equipment? Did you just nod? Good. Are you worried that this might happen to you? Nodding? Stop fucking worrying! Now with the Toe-Matic, you no longer have to worry about long lines at the emergency room or about disposing of your diseased bloody paper towels! Because with Toe-Matic, you can pop on a new appendage at the simple snap of a finger!
Simply, refill the Toe-Matic regularly with the fingers/toes of refugees or undocumented citizens, accidentally cut, and pop! You're all set! It's THAT simple. Safe job environment? Don't fret! Distract or play a trick on your co-worker! He'll be laughing in no time when he sees how easy the Toe-Matic is to use! Bad Commentary gives the Toe-Matic two thumbs up!
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And now, a word from our Sponsors:
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LINT-BE-GONE
(Belly-Button Lint Protector)
This guy is pretty cool. He agrees that LINT-BE-GONE should have been invented a little before the wheel. No one knows where belly-button lint comes from. Many have speculated, and some have even tried to prevent it by foregoing clothing for weeks on end, but little has ever come of it 'til now. Say goodbye to strangely textured fur-balls nuzzling in your stomach! Say goodbye to random peanut M&M's hidden in your gut! Lint-Be-Gone is here! Also available for babies, salt cubes, and telephone poles.
THE MEZNER AND CLINE LAUGHTER INSTITUTE
(A Laughing School)
Tired of great friends who are otherwise horrible laughers? Tired of blood oozing out your ear every time you are forced to overhear that forced cackle of superficial middle-aged women on your commute to work? Tired of regretting the re-telling of that great racist joke you know and love so much simply because Joe Dickneck does not know how to laugh correctly?
Well now, with a brief, 4-semester certificate program at MCLI, all of those morons can perfect their laughter and rejoin normal society! With our approved-accreditation and competent staff of professional laughers, you can be sure that after graduation, Joe Dickneck will never laugh like an asshole again! Enroll TODAY!
Well now, with a brief, 4-semester certificate program at MCLI, all of those morons can perfect their laughter and rejoin normal society! With our approved-accreditation and competent staff of professional laughers, you can be sure that after graduation, Joe Dickneck will never laugh like an asshole again! Enroll TODAY!
Breeze Crotch
Breeze Crotch should have been invented along with briefs. Let's face it, fellahs, nothing is worse than summer stew-crotch, especially when out on a picnic with a rocking babe (or Aunt Edna). Breeze Crotch employs a self-regulating cooling fan that cools you down when you need it most.
Take our model, Jonas, for instance, as you can see from the complex artistic rendering, it may be summer out, but it's winter in his junk! Don't like the Rugged-Tuxedo look, Breeze Crotch is also available in a variety of colors, patterns, and sizes!
Still Not satisfied? How about a bigger package? Done! As a result of the uncomfortable (and 100% safe) size and placement of the Breeze Crotch fan, you can now live out your fantasy of being Labyrinth's Jareth The Goblin, as immortalized by that sweet piece of meat, David Bowie! Crotch rot? Breeze it with Breeze Crotch!
COLONEL KENNEL BARKING SCHOOL
You don't have to hate animals to dislike the heart-wrenching disaster that is a moronic and ill-informed dog bark. Some dogs just don't know what they're doing. They go ahead and open their mouths only to sound like dying possums, mating squirrels, or even, on much rarer ocassions, Paula Cole songs!
The thing is, dogs have been so domesticated by pussy-ass people, that in most cases, they've lost their doggie mojos and overall will to live. But those days are over! From the people that brought you Bacon Bits and the hit movie, Benji, we present Colonel Kennel Barking School- for dogs who want to take control of their lives!
CKBS will not only provide your cute, little doggies with the effective power and pitch needed for their barking needs, but will also help them develop a solid sense of worth and physical acumen! Have a bitch-ass dog? Send him to CKBS! CKBS, give your dog a new leash on life!
The thing is, dogs have been so domesticated by pussy-ass people, that in most cases, they've lost their doggie mojos and overall will to live. But those days are over! From the people that brought you Bacon Bits and the hit movie, Benji, we present Colonel Kennel Barking School- for dogs who want to take control of their lives!
CKBS will not only provide your cute, little doggies with the effective power and pitch needed for their barking needs, but will also help them develop a solid sense of worth and physical acumen! Have a bitch-ass dog? Send him to CKBS! CKBS, give your dog a new leash on life!
TOE-MATIC
(The Finger/Toe Dispenser)
According to Newsweekly, each year, somewhere between 3 and 15,687 people lose a finger or toe on the job. Imagine having to go through life without one of those babies. Do you work with dangerous equipment? Did you just nod? Good. Are you worried that this might happen to you? Nodding? Stop fucking worrying! Now with the Toe-Matic, you no longer have to worry about long lines at the emergency room or about disposing of your diseased bloody paper towels! Because with Toe-Matic, you can pop on a new appendage at the simple snap of a finger!
Simply, refill the Toe-Matic regularly with the fingers/toes of refugees or undocumented citizens, accidentally cut, and pop! You're all set! It's THAT simple. Safe job environment? Don't fret! Distract or play a trick on your co-worker! He'll be laughing in no time when he sees how easy the Toe-Matic is to use! Bad Commentary gives the Toe-Matic two thumbs up!
Face it, we're all going to die horrible deaths, like getting snuggled into complete ecstasy by friendly dolphins, or mowed down by the gentle kisses of angelic golden retrievers. These inventions, which SHOULD HAVE ALREADY EXISTED, will dramatically extend the amount of time we spend on this goddamn awesome planet! So buy one today! (Invention or planet, makes no difference.)
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And now, a word from our Sponsors:
