10 Things That Will Guarantee A Lay On Your First Date

10. Claiming that your dad invented the little red men dancing in your date's dinner plate

9. If male: Segueing into a diatribe about the futility of Feminism
    If female: Waxing poetic about how men just want to bone their mothers

8. Making sure to belittle your date for not knowing the difference between particular brands of wine

7. Blowing your nose on your napkin and then gently wiping spaghetti sauce off of your date's face with it

6. If male: Telling your date that she looks fat in her summer dress
    If female: Telling your date that he lacks a bulge and asking if he's, therefore, a eunuch

5. Incessantly extolling the virtues of White Supremacy

4. Persuading your date to watch 'Deliverance' with you

3. Laughing during that scene.

2. Punching yourself continuously in the groin while laughing maniacally

1. Treating your date to McDonalds for a romantic dinner