INVENTORS OF NOTE (Part 2)

(The Highlander has but one person to thank.)
 
Lightning

On June 15, 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented lightning using nothing but a kite, a key, and electricity! And, of course, there are some historical cock-blockers out there claiming that he never actually invented lightning, but I'm pretty sure they're all dumb. You know, Benjamin Franklin was a very interesting man. He had about 30 legitimate children (4 of which were gimps), engaged in long-intellectual discussions with chairs, and was one of the first statesmen to get a perm. Benjamin Franklin also disagreed with the adoption of the Bald Eagle as a national symbol for the United States; he thought a turkey was a much more honorable symbol. Seriously. Anyway, his contribution to mankind cannot be underrated. Without lightning, how would we be able to see during the day? Think about it.

(Meatballs larger than they appear.)

Meatballs!

A simple Google search yields a Mallory Garner, from Houston, Texas, as the inventor, apparently. Unfortunately, I'm going to have disagree with this ridiculous assertion, especially since meatballs have been around way longer than stone wash jeans and Marlboro cigarettes. Another search brings up the name Apicius, who apparently put some crappy recipe collection together back in Ancient Rome. I don't really like his name that much, so that's gotta be wrong. Frankly, I don't think anyone knows who invented the meatball, which is too bad because they are so delicious. Although, if you ask me, I'm pretty sure it was Chef Boyardee.

(A genocidal tool.)

Fly Swatters

Technically, the man responsible for inventing the Fly Swatter went by the name, Frank Rose, some asshole schoolteacher from somewhere in Kansas with a hard-on for flies. I mean, can you imagine the hundreds of flies that have been murdered since then just for like hanging out on walls. Plus, I mean what the hell happens in Kansas? Not a country I want to go to, tell you that much. Anyway, so according to the story, a Dr. Crumbine gave Rose the idea after a series of fly-related diseases in 1905. So he was rushing to fix the situation. He probably thought he was such a hot shot saving all those people. I could do that with my hands closed. Big deal! It's not like people die from diseases. But of course, he had to invent that swatter anyway cause he couldn't deal with a few boils and infections! Fly Nazi!

(Even metrosexuals with belly buttons like fanny packs.)

(Don't be deceived by her good looks, kangaroos are actually very rambunctious.)

Fanny Packs

According to some broad, it was a Melba Stone who invented the fanny pack back in 1962. Apparently, Stone, an Australian lady with like 10 kids, got her inspiration from a kangaroo that, because she had a pouch in her fupa, was free to use her hands for things like driving or playing the banjo. Realizing that she didn't have enough hands to smack her kids with, Stone decided to model a new invention after her marsupial friend. The thing is, Melba Stone has indirectly killed hundreds of naive tourists with this invention- people who could've otherwise avoided attracting muggers with fluorescent pink fupa sacks*. You might as well have invented the gun, Melba! Good job! But anyway, on a happier note, some sources claim that after the fanny pack (which WILL see a hip-hop modified comeback soon, I promise), Melba Stone went on to invent the Scrunchie and Leg Warmers! Fortunately, those prototypes didn't have to be made from children.

*Note: Sentence intentionally ambiguous since
some muggers do actually own pink fupa sacks (i.e. fanny packs).

(Lysol.)

Lysol

In 1934, fellow chemists, Louis Gates and Emil Klarmann, invented the phenol compound that would become the base for that chemical we all know and love, Lysol. It wasn't drinkable back then, due to a particular chemical these people used. But let's face it, the 1930's weren't really the most socially conscious of times. I mean, these were the days of non-chunky peanut butter, polystyrene, and synthetics which were probably racist. And let's not forget how "The Man" discriminated against alcohol, forcing Al Capone to basically become the Martin Luther King of drinking things that are delicious and drunky. Anyway, I digress, these dudes were pretty cool and were actually friends, which is weird because scientists don't have friends or ears. Yet these guys had both, which is surprising. Thanks to the efforts of these brilliant chemists, Lysol would go on to clean millions of houses, murder scenes, and children's noses.

(Portable, economical, yet socially unsound.)

Wearable Dog Houses (WDH's)

I wish I could tell you who invented it, but this person's identity has been concealed for reasons of security reasons and other reasons. You see, dogs are very upset about this new development, since it subjects them to intense bouts of motion sickness, embarrassment with the opposite sex, and also happens to be incredibly unhygienic for both dogs and human transporters alike. Sure, that broad in the picture looks pretty content -she's having a grand ole' time- but what happens when the dog decides to lick her belly or relieve itself while Mrs. Molly-Happyface engages in conversation with Gertrude McOldStein at Walmart? Or when Mrs. Molly-Cheeseface decides to carry her toddler around in one of those? Although to be fair, these things are much better suited for children, since you can just a stuff a sandwich in one and close the doggy hatch. By the time you get home, your child is sound asleep and not even hungry anymore. But for dogs, it's just a bad formula. It's just like an incredibly perverse fanny pack with a roof. It's no wonder the Anti-WDH Dog Coalition (ADC or AWDC or AWDHDC) as well as the Anti-Defamatory Dog League, or the ADDL (these houses obviously imply that ALL dogs are domestic, which is so 1990's), are working around the clock to make sure this patent never sees the light of day.

(An illustration of a well-mannered unicorn.)

UNICORNS

Um, earth to you, unicorns aren't real! Duh. (Although, they are pretty sweet.)

(A congregation of Push Pins.)

 (The Zeus of Push Pins.)

Push Pins

Some guy named Edwin Moore invented Push Pins in the year 1900. He described the Push Pin as a "pin with a handle", which is amazing because that's exactly what they are. Think about it. I guess you could say that this guy was way ahead of his time and incredibly handsome, even though he was black-and-white as you can see from the picture above. Well, I mean, you can't see how ahead of his time he was from the picture of above, but he WAS the Push Pin King, so that should give you an idea of how amazing he was. I like to think about Push Pins because they're exciting. They keep pictures and posters on your walls which is pretty awesome.

(Don't you just want to be inside her?)

Fluff

It took the effort of two men to invent the ultimately delicious phenomenon we've come to know as Fluff. These men were H. Allen Durkee and Fred L. Mower (not to be confused with the inventor of the Lawn Mower). Tired of their wives' ham sandwiches, these long-time veterans of the marshmallow industry, had a flash of insight one evening and decided to create a spread of marshmallows that would successfully combine dinner AND dessert. The only problem was the shortage of Marshmallow Birds on the marshes of the East Coast (hence the term marsh-mallows). So what they decided to do was breed them in order to create a surplus of marshmallow resources that would simultaneously add to the Marshmallow Bird population. The plan was a two-fold success: they managed to create the best, most economical dinner/dessert sandwich spread AND save the Marshmallow Bird population, as well. Heroes of man, if you ask me. But don't.

(A man experiencing the unspeakable joys of Osteoporosis)

Osteoporosis

Contrary to popular belief, Osteoporosis was not invented by God, Lisboans, or Steve McQueen. According to sources, Osteoporosis was invented by old people. Osteoporosis can be characterized as a condition where the thinning of bone tissue and the reduction of bone density occur over time- which isn't necessarily a bad thing, since it can make you super flexible. So that, like mice and other sweet ass rodents, you can fit into small cracks and key holes, which is super useful. For instance, let's say you're an old dude and you forgot your keys in your jar of mayonnaise because of Alzheimer's or something (another cool invention, by the way), then all you'd have to do is insert yourself into your keyhole and unlock the door from the inside. Then you could sit down and watch your old VHS recordings of Matlock and cry about about the injustices of oatmeal. Think about THAT! In closing, no one said it better than the great Thomas Green when he exclaimed, "Osteoporosis rules!" And how!


Well....

This concludes the second, and final, installment of...INVENTORS OF NOTE! I sincerely hope that you have learned much on this journey. There are a few other inventions that I didn't cover, but I'll leave that up to you, dear reader. I love you.

It's been an illuminating ride! It really has, despite the deep depression suddenly brought on by the mention of fanny packs and murderous fly swatters. But this all comes with the territory, so I'll just have to be strong. As in the words of that great biologist, Friedrich Nietzsche, "What doesn't kill you makes you more smart."

Anyway, stay tuned for other mind-blowing observations of our terrible world on Babyheads 2.0! Or not, which is also cool, but don't not-stay-tuned cause you might find yourself stupid. Cheers!


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