Bears, Bears, and Bears, Oh My!

Because my sole purpose in life is to hug a bear. Although...I know it'll never happen and I have to live with that. Let's face it, bears don't like to be hugged, and that's a fact. Which doesn't make much sense if you really think about it, since they are so fluffy and squishy and entirely fuzzy on the inside and out. I bet bears could hug the shit out of you if they wanted to. I don't mean literally, although I'm sure that's also a possibility, if they don't eat your whole head first.

 (Out for a day in the town.)

Bears are really strong (some bears are even stronger than mountains) and they're ALWAYS hungry. They eat berries, salamanders, rocks, horseradishes, tuna, and sometimes, even kale. Some bears even eat other bears, which makes them cannisbulls (that's when bears eat other bears). Some bears, like the Great White -who has rows and rows of razor, sharp teeth and swim in the ocean- enjoy dining on plankton and marzipan candies from Denmark. But most of all, bears LOVE honey! If you've watched the hit series, Winnie the Pooh, you know what I mean. A Great White Grizzly Bear can eat an entire handful of honey in one bite and that's not all- some bears even eat bees because they're high in nutrients and earth love. Just ask Bill, he's an expert in bears and earth love!

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(Realistic depiction of a bear's diet.)

I know a bear from Indonesia who once ate 1,000 whole bees just by looking at them! In other words, some bears are telepathic, which means that they have X-Ray eyes. It's totally true. Science hasn't proved this yet because bears don't like science; they like honey (see above).

  (Bears are extremely photogenic.)

Bears also dislike math because they have long, sharp claws that aren't conducive to calculators which sucks because they have so much to offer the world. Another thing bears dislike are bear puns such as, "that hairdo is 'beary' nice." Although to be fair, some bears have really good hairdos.

 (Bears are angered by things they dislike.)

Another thing that you probably didn't know is that bears hibernate in caves or hotels in the winter- only they call them 'dens'. Some biologists claim that they go to sleep for the entire winter, but that's impossible because who can sleep that long?! Plus, no one's ever been inside a bear's den during the winter to see if that's true. How do you like THAT apple?!

(This is a bear doing what bears do best.)

 

Personally, I think they practice their porridge-cooking skills during the winter because everyone knows how good bear porridge is- just ask Little Red Riding Hood. I also think bears work on their abs during the winter which explains why they are so ripped when they finally come out of the their dens in the Spring. Oh and bears also write really well novels during the winter. That's why they're so smart and happy.

Anyway, this should give you an idea of how powerful bears are. So the next time you want to hug a bear, think twice because bears are too powerful to like hugs. For those of you who love bears UNCONDITIONALLY, regardless of their passionate dislike for hugs, check out Bill's "Bears Lovers' Site", which is highly informative and contains information.

The rest is up to you. And by that I mean, sleep well and don't let the bed bears bite! Muhuhahaha! Get it? Bears are strong.


P.S. Here's a poem written by a well-known Afghan-American poet bear:

(Picture of Mr. McBeartrough reading a poem at the 2008 World Authors Convention.)

"Winter Love" by Donald A. McBeartrough

There are times when I like sausages
and times when I like food.
But most of the time I like sausages, 
which is good.

Sausages are friendly. 
Sausages are mean.
I like berries and rocks
and things, because they are green.
Ice cream is sweet 
like sugar coated icicles, 
my fur is full of ticks
because I'm a happy bear.

Love is full of corn,
love is full of life.
So let's all eat corns together
because they're rich in vitamins.

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