Things That I LOVE

• The gap between Mike Tyson's teeth
• Quarters
• Onomatopoeia
• Words that start with the letter 'M'
• Flirtatious kitties
• Pinapple Soda
• Jeff Goldblum
• Sean Connery's disgusting accent
• The smell of babyheads
• Babyheads, in general
• The scratchy crackle of old records
• Bubble-gum flavored toothpaste
• Gongs
• Cigarettes
• Oblong kites
• Oblong heads
• Pistachios
• Grundles
• The word ‘fupa’
• Gummy worms
• People who start conversations with “And so…”
• Strange weathervanes
• Golden Retrievers, because they’re angels…just ask Bill
• Bill, although he’s not a thing- although sometimes he is whenever he acts like a teapot
• Bears playing baseball
• Schooling your mom at Scrabble
• Doorbell rings that are way too long to matter
• People who pronounce the word ‘banana’ nasally
• Puerto Rican crackheads who try to sell you everything
• Scratch-n-Sniff stickers
• Reruns of Full House
• Theo Huxtable’s many hair cuts
• Little kids with filthy mouths
• Wearing new socks
• Soft earlobes
• People who think their crooked toes are perfect
• Cheeseburgers
• Alien abductees
• Anything futuristic that’s actually useless
• Infomercials, because they are useless
• Little fat robins
• People with gigantic hair
• Imagining Bill O’Reilly and Dr. Phil head over heels in love
• Watching Freudian slips on YouTube
• The cookie part of a Twix
• Yo’ Mama jokes
• Watching someone trying to locate a straw with their mouth while not looking at it
• Larry David
• Larry Bird’s weird chin/mouth situation
• Teenage poetry
• He-Man’s underwear
• The fact that Conan punches both a camel AND a horse in his movies
• Silvester Stallone's unfortunate speech impediment
• Robert DeNiro’s no nonsense face, I bet he punches babies on a regular basis
• Pancakes absolutely soaked in cheap syrup, none of that pure maple crap
• Vitamin Water
• The warm breath of someone whispering in your ear
• Lewd old people
• Laffy Taffy jokes
• People with small dents on their ears
• Squish-face people
• People who pointlessly wash the bar of soap after washing their hands
• People who DON’T speak to you at urinals
• Carrot juice
• The smell of oranges on your hands after eating one
• People who don’t honk for emotional reasons
• Crazy Evangelists who love not knowing that they are irremediably insane
• Snail mail
• Not knowing what changed about a person after they’ve shaved their facial hair (this also applies to some women)
• Ugly ass dogs
• Bearded dogs
• Dog-earing books that aren’t mine
• Violently launching CD’s at unsuspecting friends
• Plastic-covered sofas
• Multi-service ghetto stores, where you could purchase a calling card, wack jeans, baby bottles, and play the Dominican Lottery, all at once
• Crazy sailors
• People who have made their peace with the stupid tattoos they got
• Reading that a celebrity I didn’t like, died
• Putting on an inappropriate song at the jukebox of a family restaurant
• Torturing waiters and waitresses by making origami with their tip money
• Eating cereal at 2am
• Wondering when someone will invent Tuna Toothpaste
• Imagining your face after reading that
• Seal
• Ed Hardy Diapers, for clubbing
• Ignoring people who say inane things
• Hummus
• Thinking about the mysteries of chalk
• 50 cent vending machines with ‘bling’ toys
• Anticipating the movie ‘Ernest Goes To Porn’
• Jelly beans
• Cosby sweaters
• The name 'Stew'

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And this concludes THINGS THAT I LOVE. If you haven't read my segment on THINGS THAT I HATE, do so, or you will have to accept that you are a loser. Actually, I'm just kidding. But seriously, I DO hope that you have wasted the last few minutes of your life reading this. I encourage you to find stupid shit that makes you happy, as well, because in the end that’s what it’s all about. In the end, we’re all BABYHEADS! I have no idea what that means…

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