Bad Commentary.: Things That I Hate

The three-fingered hands of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
When birds start making noise at 4am, forcing you to realize that the night is over
I hate the fucking Sun
Dolphins
The pointy inseams of fifth pockets
Skipping CD's
Glitchy mp3's
When someone leaves a gigantic greasy fingerprint on a DVD
People who touch computer monitors to show you something
How cartoon characters' eyes disappear and reappear in cheap Hanna-Barbera cartoons
Stupid ass Anime cartoons such as: this
The sounds effects used for dinosaurs in cartoons and movies despite the fact that no one has any idea what they actually sounded like
The Loch Ness Monster Myth
Jokes told the wrong way
April Fools jokes where blood and/or death are involved
The tapping sound of moths insisting on flying into your light bulb
Two-pronged electric sockets, cause it's not like it's the year 2010 or anything
Non-functioning bulbs on Christmas lights
Rocks in the shoe
Sweaty flip-flops
People who suggest meditation for dealing with stress
People who believe they are entitled to being offended by racial remarks not related to their ethnicity, it's like being offended for someone else: "Stop it! I'm offended by proxy 'cause I'm a moron."
Wholehearted anti-welfare comments by individuals who refuse to see that they are actually covert racists
The word "ebonics"
People who "have a black (or, insert any other race/ethnicity here:_________) friend"
When someone describes something as African as if it were pertaining to a country
The shape of Greenland
Aretha Franklin's "R.E.S.P.E.C.T."
Fat Elvis
Lord of the Rings snobs
People who feel that they're special because they've read the book version of a movie adaptation
Mosquitoes that fly into your eye
Mosquitoes that fly directly into the back of your throat
Pointy elbows
Inky fingers after reading the paper
Walmart "boy-cotters"
Spam emails entitled: "This is not spam."
AIM away messages
When women think they're flirting when they say, "meow".
People who've never played video games
Tuna can water
Garbage juice on your pant leg
The wrinkly lining on cooled-down oatmeal
People who "don't camp"
People who say "what?" after you say something, not because they didn't hear you, but because they need time to respond
People who cover their noses when walking by smokers
When someone says "make yourself at home" but then proceed to get mad when you decide to drop trou and make a grilled-cheese sandwich
People who sigh in order to get attention and/or start a conversation
People who don't move when you're walking by them but then say "excuse me" when you find a way around them
When drivers unnecessarily stop in order to be "nice" by "letting" you pass when they should've just kept driving
People who say: "I hate to say I told you so."
Telling you so
Marshmallows
Colorful cereal made from radioactivity sludge
Crap healthy cereal that taste likes foam, feels like cardboard, and looks like rabbit food
Walnuts, they look like dried-up balls and taste like earwax
Homeopathic remedies that don't work
Homeopathic remedies in general
People who can't sing but think they can just because they can squeeze out a vibrato
Anyone who didn't like the ending of The Sopranos
Campsites with jagged rocks that stab your spleen while you sleep
Those who believe fairies are real
People who preach the need for "common sense" but believe in God
When someone who wears glasses peers at you from above their frames
Water, I'd rather subsist on toxic high-fructose corn syrup
Plants that can't mind their business
Spongecake
Rice-cakes
Fruit cakes...the food
Cake...the band
Obscene amounts of bacon
Inadvertently chomping on grains of sand while eating a sandwich at the beach, it seems that no matter what you do, sand will always find its way onto your delicious, sun-melted sandwich. fact.
Seagulls that try to eat that sandwich
Inadvertently biting on your fork full-force while eating

NOT EVEN CLOSE TO OVER...

Gay ponies
Dogs named "Blackie", "Diamond", "Max", or "Princess"
Dictionaries that lack the word you're looking for
People who "raise the roof" and say that they are doing so, while dancing
Vegetarians who don't eat meat, because it was once alive
Vegetarians who eat plants even though they were once alive
The word "encumber"
Food that smells like ass
Ass that smells like food
John Travolta's hair line
When people like "all kinds of music except country"
The color beige
Dogs that bark incorrectly
People who laugh incorrectly
When a kid keeps repeating the same antic over and over again just because you laughed the first time
Babies who are too lazy to get jobs
People hung-up on "The Man" or "The System"
Angry hippies
People who set their cell phone ringers to traditional phone rings
Accidentally gluing your fingers together with Crazy Glue
People who claim that they are CALM IN A SCREAMING VOICE!
When it takes "two to tango"
People who apologize for sneezing
People who ask if they are boring you simply because you yawned
People who, consciously or subconsciously, start whistling after you start to whistle
The crusty, non-sugar particles left in a sugar bowl
Two-door cars
Low-riders
People who talk on their cell phones while on buses
Airline pillows
Inaccurate calendars
Alarm clocks with only one sound setting
Heterosexual men with black nail polish on their toes
Hipsters who make fun of other hipsters while not aware that they are hipsters themselves
Anyone who refers to their money as "bling" during a normal conversation
People who correct your grammar when you speak, to show you that they're smart
Men still holding onto that one patch of hair knowing full well that they should just shave it off
Accidentally biting the inside of your cheek and then doing it 3 to 4 more times within the same minute
People who accept being retards because they're "only human"
Awkward waitresses
Waitresses who sit down at your booth to take your order
Cashiers who, because they are "cool and down-to-earth", initiate conversation when you're clearly not interested
Happiness
Cynical statements
People who insist on informing you that you've used the word 'irony' incorrectly
People who act tough but are actually afraid to fight you
People who act as if they enjoy boring old movies so that others can think they are cultured
Long-ass text messages that would've easily been a short phone call
"Free thinkers" who get upset with you for not voting
Olives, they're the pits. I will not apologize for that one.
The fact that jeans are 1) pluralized and 2) referred to as a pair
The musical designation "Adult Contemporary"
Monotone indie rock singers
The fact that homelessness is an issue in a country with a trillion useless cemeteries
$1.00 lighters
Popcorn shells stuck in your teeth and gum lining
Not being able to look directly at a solar eclipse
Hugh Grant
Long blog posts