Top Ten Actors You Never Want To Be Left Alone With In An Alley

Below, I've compiled a list of the sketchiest/scariest looking actors ever to hit the big screen. The basic criteria? What actors are most likely to rape you if alone in a dark alleyway. Hopefully, you'll agree, or have some of your own suggestions. Enjoy!

 

(This is the closest we'll ever get to a smile.)

10. Tony Todd (AKA CANDYMAN): You might think it's kind of early to bust this one out, but I'm telling you, we have some gems coming up. Ah, what can we say about Tony Todd that can't be summed up in this one picture? He's pretty sketchy in everything he's ever been in. In all honesty, I wouldn't know how to approach him in public fearing that a swarm of killer bees will come out of his mouth at the most innocent, "Hello." Then again, I think he only murders white women, which makes me feel a little better. I know, I know, Candyman was just a portrayal. It's just hard to think that he would have an identity outside of Candyman and that he actually engages in normal everyday routines such as shopping for oranges, changing diapers, and mowing his lawn. Or maybe I just don't want to imagine him going about those activities without a hook for a hand. Poor babies.

 

 (Hint: Do not attempt to cuddle with this man.)

9. Danny Trejo (AKA the beloved 'Navajas' in Desperado): I just want to get this out there, this guy is cooler than you are. Period. But he'll still rape you in an alley. He usually plays the charismatic, blood-thirsty thug in Quentin Tarantino flicks or the conniving two-face, as he did in 'The Salton Sea' after which he got his penis eaten by a Marmot or something with claws and teeth. Danny Trejo actually has a pretty interesting bio, which is more than I can say for most big time celebrities who haven't done or been through shit and still make millions of dollars. I guess that says something about integrity. But my point isn't to preach, it's just to let you know that this actor will indeed sodomize you, and like it, and that no matter how nice he may appear on the outside- you're fucked. Period.

  

8. Bill Duke (AKA That dude from that movie...) Then there's this dude, who's in like every movie you can imagine. He usually plays a cop or some kind of authority figure who just doesn't give a fuck about the rules. You may remember him from Mel Gibson's hit flick "Payback" or the Schwarzenegger action-classic "Predator." He usually dies before the end of the movie and is pretty much always outsmarted by the protagonist for his deceptive ways. Do not accept anything from this man if you ever see him on the street since you can be pretty sure that he has some angle, unless you're Mel Gibson or the Predator him-(her/it?) self. Otherwise, rape.

 

7.75 I mean, might as well. I think it's unanimous that this man is clinically tapped, which is fine cause some eccentricity and antisemitism never hurts anyone. Oh wait, actually, it does. That's too bad since he was pretty cool in Lethal Weapon, especially whenever he would dislocate his arm only to bang it back into place. Oh man, those were the days. And then he fucked it all up and got Alzheimer's. Mel Gibson (AKA Just a dude  that needs some loving).

 

7.5 Mo'Nique (AKA Unicron): Oh sure, she looks friendly, probably looks like she wants to bake you some cookies. Wrong! I mean, right, she does want to bake you cookies, but it's only to fatten you up so that she can devour your entire family. I know, I'm being insensitive, but to be fair, A) she plays up the stereotype and B) celebrities are well aware that they will be milked and exploited for content and that's the very essence of their being, a walking endorsement for whatever bullshit they allow themselves to be affixed to via contrived exposure. Otherwise, they do their best to stay away from the bullshit and keep their dignity. That's how I justify it all, at least. Anyway, chances are this doesn't matter anyway because she probably ate the planet a long time ago, so that in the mean time we subsist INSIDE of her as if nothing ever happened. Worse than alley rape-age, in my opinion.

6. Sam Neill (AKA Grant or HOLY SHIT, THAT FUCKED UP DUDE FROM 'EVENT HORIZON'): He just always looks like he's hatching some mastermind scheme. Just look at those burning embers. They say, "I got you figured out. Oh sure, take that sip of wine. Get on that bus, I'll be waiting in your bedroom. I'll be watching you sleep gently." Not only that, but all British accents are inherently evil and calculating and that's a fact. That's why France and Great Britain have always been at odds, because France totally figured out their true intentions as revealed by their accents and then they got all defensive and shit. You may fail to see why this man is sketchy and that's just because you've been seduced by his charm and good-looks. But I suggest that you step back and smell the horses coffee meat. I wish I knew what that meant. Sam Neill sleeps beneath your bed regularly.

5. Raymond Cruz (AKA Tuco in 'Breaking Bad'): This dude always plays some variation of bad-ass. He was also in 'Training Day' and almost has no neck, which is pretty cool. His volatile demeanor and beady, almost non-existent eyes make him a great candidate for our rapist list. Unfortunately, he strikes fear into my soul so I'm going to stop writing about him.

 

 (Stay back, Gnome Woman!)

4. Zelda Rubinstein (AKA "This house is clean" lady in Poltergeist): Definitely. This lady is fucked. She's like a little auntie that does your laundry even when you don't feel that your clothes is really that dirty. Villainous, indeed. I can imagine her in an alley suddenly chewing your ankles to the marrow. I always thought her to be a little scarier than that old Quaker Oats ghost in the Poltergeist movies. At least that dude just wanted to eat some hot cereal with Carol Anne and perhaps her soul, while this lady...ankles. She probably eats cankles, too. Oh wait, ate. She's dead. Damn it, I'm suddenly immoral.

 

3. Carrot Top (AKA Carrot Top): First of all, what the fuck happened to this guy? First, he was lame. Then he got some muscles and...well, is still lame. Except, now he looks like he's coping with something deep and painful like having to deal with the reality of not being funny. What's he done to his eyebrows? What is he doing with his tongue in this picture? Why is he wearing a basketball jersey? Does he play basketball? Can you imagine the utter humiliation of getting dunked on by Carrot Top? Can you imagine how much worse it would be to catch a glimpse of his balls while he's hanging on that rim? Can you imagine having great spiritual sex with Carrot Top? Where am I going with this? Well, ready? Can you imagine how scarred you would be if one night Carrot Top forced himself upon you? Male or Female, doesn't matter. Scarred. PTSD like a mutha. Oh and one more thing, can someone explain why we never got to see Yahoo Serious and Carrot Top at the same time? Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Takers. Shut up.

("Perhaps they need a little...talking to.")

2. Jack Nicholson (AKA Joker): No one says psychopathic serial killer like Jack Nicholson. Well, actually maybe Ted Bundy does, but you know what I mean. It's all in the high forehead and bat-like eyebrows. I bet he's actually a great guy, probably a sweet, though incognito, professional hairstylist at some Miami hair salon. He probably owns a dozen pink flamingos and sings show tunes regularly. That doesn't necessarily make him a lesser candidate, however.

THE GRAIL

1. I seriously had no problem finding an appropriate picture for this one. In fact, it was the first one I saw. Nothing says throat-rape like Gary Busey. I just can't understand the extent of how amazing he is for that. The thing is, he'll confuse you with his antics so much, that you'll probably believe that the rape was consensual hence making it great traumatic sex. But in the back of your mind, you'll always know that you will never be the same again, that you have been soiled by insanity incarnate. Gary Busey is actually from Planet Mardukoth and his real name is O*^^_-\|^^Osionk. He has four extra salivary glands and bleeds squirrel. Also, I don't know if anyone has noticed, but he's Nick Nolte's doppleganger. Irremediable. There is no one I fear more than this man. Gary Busey (AKA The Dark Angel of Death).

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