Rare Conditions and the Celebrities They Affect: Part 1

Name of condition: Disfalafeloofahlexia
Description: The inability to distinguish a loofah from a falafel while making a sexually harassing phone call.

Celebrity: Bill O'Reilly

Name of condition: Pseudoreleventia
Description: The mistaken belief that what you say or think has any relevance whatsoever to anyone.

Celebrities: Joan Rivers, Ryan Seacrest

 

Name of condition: Pubofrenia
Description: A delusional state where the sufferer believes his or her actions should be guided by a specific patch of body hair.

Celebrity: Adolf Hitler (NOTE: Also common amongst porn stars and pedophiles.)

Name of condition: Communist Compulsive Disorder or CCD
Description: An uncontrollable, overriding urge to see and point out Communist conspiracies in everything observed.

Celebrity: Glenn Beck

Name of condition: Unconstricted Anus Syndrome
Description: Becoming Gay after bashing homosexuals.

Celebrities: Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Glenn Murphy Jr., Bob Allen (NOTE: Possibly caused by a virus that flourishes within GOP conventions/gatherings.)

Name of condition: Immortality
Description: Self explanatory.

Celebrity: Todd Bridges (R.I.P. Gary Coleman and Dana Plato) (NOTE: Find out if Mr. Drummond is still alive and what his real name is/was.)

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The Power of NoHomo

The times-are-a-changing, that’s for goddamn sure. The 1960’s brought us the sexual revolution, which was enough of a shock. I never understood how a woman could want premarital sex with numerous partners. I mean Puh-lease. Is this what you call empowerment?

But I was willing to adapt. Although these individuals who engage in so-called “free love” are going to hell, I will treat them with the same level of courtesy and respect I afford to any child of God.

But little did I know, that this wasn’t the end of the Sodom and Gomorrah-ization of the United States. Yes, that’s right: I’m talking about the “homosexual” question.

When you have queers like Will from Will and Grace and Ellen from the Ellen Degeneris Show parade around as if their homosexuality were a badge of honor, you know that our society is going down the toilet bowl, and QUICKLY! When you see the utterly surreal act of a man reading wedding vows to another MAN (only in Taxachusetts!), you start thinking to yourself, “am I just stuck in a bad dream?”

 (A syndicated sin!)

Let’s face it, the gays are taking over and celebrating their sinfulness with gleeful abandon.
But, again, they are still children of God and we must learn to separate the Sin from the Sinner. This is why, contrary to some of my friends, I accept gays. Sure, they are damaged humans who have an unnatural connection to their mothers (or fathers if they are Lesbians), but they are still made in God’s image and I will not raise my voice or hand against them.

 (Um, not. God is all man! Although...I wonder where Mrs. God is in all this?)

Now, in this current environment, there is one tragic trend that is going unnoticed, one type of relationship that is quickly becoming obsolete. Yes, I’m talking about the platonic friendship and love that one man can share with another man. God-fearing heterosexuals are simply too scared to form intimate NON-SEXUAL bonds with another man for fear of being labeled “gay.” And the gays these days are so sex-crazy that the second they see another man, it is impossible for them to think of anything except anal intercourse.

Our boys are missing out on a variety of enriching and lifelong friendships because they cannot separate innocent male intimacy from the sinful and unnatural relationship inherent in homosexuality. Any hug is seen as a come-on and a compliment is seen as flirting. A long, deep conversation might be mistaken for a prelude to “hooking up.”

But not all hope is lost. There is one tool that God-fearing, heterosexual men have in their arsenal (no pun intended), a way to engage in very loving, non-sexual man-to-man relationships, without fear of being labeled as a homosexual. This is known as “nohomo.”

Nohomo is an elegant concept, an explicit affirmation that you are not gay. The basic idea is that when you are engaging in something which could be mistaken as homosexual activity, you say “nohomo” in order to put your special friend’s mind at ease.

 (One of the major players of the Sohomo movement! Oops, I meant the Nohomo movement.)

This phrase should be taught to students so that they can use it as a shield and develop the intimate same sex relationships that they long for. Our completely straight boys will be able to hug, hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes without fear of reproach.

In fact, let me close this with a personal, anecdotal story, to show you the power of “nohomo.” My friend Billy (no relation to our Bill) is a barber and I’ve been going to him for many years, because he knows how to give me the perfect haircut. Well, we just have the most interesting conversations when I’m sitting in the barber chair, and I thought it might be fun to go to a bar with him and discuss life over a few brewskis. However, I hesitated, nervous that if I made the first move, he would back off, thinking I was a closet gay looking to prey on his youthful body.

As you might guess, this was the perfect opportunity for me to use nohomo. I said, “Nohomo, Billy, but I’d really like to grab a drink with you sometime.” Billy smiled. “I’m really glad that you said, Nohomo, first, or else I would have been pretty weirded out!” he replied.

And there you have it! Billy and I have been able to engage in an intimate and meaningful NON SEXUAL relationship all because of one little magic phrase.

Wanna know more? Check out what Bryan Safi had to say on That's Gay:

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Lessons in History: Part 1, The Stone Age

Hello, we're adding a new feature to Babyheads 2.0! As the school systems seem to be ignoring the subject altogether, we've decided to help the public learn the exciting subject of history, in installments. As a professional archaeologist, you have the wealth of my knowledge at your disposal. So, let's begin at the very beginning of human existence and my particular specialty...

(The above is an illustration of history.)



PREHISTORY

As prehistory encompasses 99% of human existence, it is a shame it is largely ignored for periods that have flashier artifacts and movies made about them like 'Ivanhoe' and 'The 13th Warrior'. Today we'll focus on the earliest part of prehistory...

THE STONE AGE

The Stone Age is 99% of Prehistory. When humans began the long road to evolution, they very kindly did it in an easy to remember three part process, the first being the Old Stone Age, or...

PALAEOLITHIC
(99% of The Stone Age)

It began when an ugly ape thing named Homo habilis hit a rock against another rock two and a half million years ago. And that was named "TOOL". It was the first of a long line of tools produced by humans.

Tool:

Tool:


Of course, the human race did not start making hammers and douchebags with such skill. This evolution took thousands of years. Here is a chart for quick reference:

garden of eden - 1,500,000 years ago = Homo habilis = hunting, crude/expedient stone tools, crude motorcycles

1,500,000 - 500,000 years ago = Homo erectus = vacations/tourism, douchebags, sweet motorcycles, atlatls, good tools (e.g. bowflex)

800,000 - 799,999 years ago = Homo floresiensis = being tiny

500,000 - 25,000 years ago = Homo neanderthalensis = Art, Ron Perlman

200,000 years ago - 1962 = Homo sapiens = computers, douchebags (refined model), fire

Hope that cleared it up. Anyway, Homo habilis, feeling a job well done, sat down on its ass for one million years. By this time, a new sexy human had evolved. Homo erectus was a real go-getter. Standing tall and looking down at Homo habilis with contempt while the latter played with its dented stones, Homo erectus decided that the scene here was lame, and cruised on out of there on the Harley's they built.



Homo erectus spread to every corner of the earth on their sweet rides, except America since they couldn't obtain the proper visas once they mentioned they were from Africa. After a while they became bored and complacent with their superiority and thus invented Pro Wrestling and Miller High Life. Eventually, these glorious warrior/actors of the ring evolved into something new....and sinister: the NEANDERTHALS

The best way to describe the Neanderthals is they were a combination of a grizzly bear, the bumbling redcoats from Pirates of the Caribbean, and a BLT when the bacon is hickory smoked. Follow? Good, moving along....

MODERN HUMANS

Eventually the Neanderthals' scripts for pro wrestling become a bit too far fetched as they ran out of believable twists and surprise entrances. A certain group of Homo erectus, which was still around and had gotten fat from watching pro wrestling and swigging Milwaukee's Best ('The Beast'), just couldn't take it when Big Show's father died for the seventh time during a match with Boss Man. They decided to put down the bong, join a gym, enter a community college, thus paving the way for the evolution into the best damn human yet, Homo sapiens.

Should not have made fun of Big Show's Dad:

At this point, perfection having been attained, evolution completely stopped and we have remained the magnificent and wise creatures we are today.

Magnificent You:

Stay tuned for the Stone Age part 2: The Mesolithic and Neolithic and learn how we bitch slapped mother nature right in the mouth!!

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