Everyone Hates Teenagers.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
If you really think about it, no one likes teenagers. They are the toxic sludge of every generation. They're always depressed, consume more resources than God, and somehow always manage to be the victims of something, however insidious their original motivations. And we know this because, guess what? We were once teenagers, unfortunately- unless you're one of the current Republican candidates who were born exactly as they appear (i.e. strange adult mixtures of wooden teeth, gray hairs, and skin made of rotten tree bark).
Teenagers hate everything. They hate pasta, dolphins, bears, home phones, food, values, the news, boredom, and most of the time, they even hate colors. Ultimately, though, they pretty much always hate themselves. And I mean, this is entirely understandable since they're teenagers and they suck and they know this- which is probably why they're always depressed. We know this because when we were teenagers, we hated ourselves as well. Some people remain teenagers forever and eventually embark on a non-stop hate train to Haterville, Haterchusetts. (Note: That was just a figurative expression, there really is no Haterville, Haterchusetts- just in case you'd like to avoid it.)
Anyway, I don't want to write about this anymore because it's making me hate. Moral of the story, teenagers are demons and they want to eat your flesh.
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(These teenagers are probably watching a satanic ritual they fully approve of.)
Teenagers are putrid creations and they usually reek of locker room and/or K-Mart perfume. They always have ACNE and talk funny when they go through puberty. They torture children, drive fast while on drugs, scream at their dogs, dress their hamsters up in tutus, and overfeed their turtles. They can't be trusted. That's why the drinking age is 21- because the government knows that every teenager is a nuclear mess of a bomb and they're silently trying to prevent the synchronized supernova teenager tantrum that will make the multiverse implode this year.
I have several nieces and nephews who are teenagers and they know more than anyone that teenagers suck. I love these kids dearly, but they know it's nothing personal because you just can't love a teenager until they are officially 20 years old. Even parents hate their teenagers. Some parents spoil their children and give them lots of money in the hopes that they'll just take a plane to Mongolia and disappear from their lives.
(Some teenagers actually need to hide from other teenagers in order to talk about math equations and social studies.)
Anyway, I don't want to write about this anymore because it's making me hate. Moral of the story, teenagers are demons and they want to eat your flesh.
No Pets.
And since we're on the topic, I find road signs to be ambigous and confusing in general. They are written in a language that humans (i.e. dumb-ass, nut sacks) will never fully understand. The best example of this is the infamous "Slow Children" sign. This one right here:
Now, is the sign telling me, as a driver, to slow down because there are children around? OR is it telling the children to slow down because there are cars in the area? OR is it telling us drivers that there are "slow" (meaning, retarded) children in the area so that I be aware of the possibility that a rabid little girl with Down Syndrome may potentially hop on the roof of my car and eat her way in? No offense to you Down Syndrome girls- I'm just trying to make a point. I still love you guys.
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