Inventions That Should Have Existed By Now

Because of all the useless crap that we utilize every day of our goddamn lives (i.e. airplanes, soap, stoves, contraceptives, cars, clothing), it's about time we invested in things that actually matter.

  LINT-BE-GONE

(Belly-Button Lint Protector)

This guy is pretty cool. He agrees that LINT-BE-GONE should have been invented a little before the wheel. No one knows where belly-button lint comes from. Many have speculated, and some have even tried to prevent it by foregoing clothing for weeks on end, but little has ever come of it 'til now. Say goodbye to strangely textured fur-balls nuzzling in your stomach! Say goodbye to random peanut M&M's hidden in your gut! Lint-Be-Gone is here! Also available for babies, salt cubes, and telephone poles.

THE MEZNER AND CLINE LAUGHTER INSTITUTE

(A Laughing School)

Tired of great friends who are otherwise horrible laughers? Tired of blood oozing out your ear every time you are forced to overhear that forced cackle of superficial middle-aged women on your commute to work? Tired of regretting the re-telling of that great racist joke you know and love so much simply because Joe Dickneck does not know how to laugh correctly?

Well now, with a brief, 4-semester certificate program at MCLI, all of those morons can perfect their laughter and rejoin normal society! With our approved-accreditation and competent staff of professional laughers, you can be sure that after graduation, Joe Dickneck will never laugh like an asshole again! Enroll TODAY!

Breeze Crotch

Breeze Crotch should have been invented along with briefs. Let's face it, fellahs, nothing is worse than summer stew-crotch, especially when out on a picnic with a rocking babe (or Aunt Edna). Breeze Crotch employs a self-regulating cooling fan that cools you down when you need it most.

Take our model, Jonas, for instance, as you can see from the complex artistic rendering, it may be summer out, but it's winter in his junk! Don't like the Rugged-Tuxedo look, Breeze Crotch is also available in a variety of colors, patterns, and sizes!

Still Not satisfied? How about a bigger package? Done! As a result of the uncomfortable (and 100% safe) size and placement of the Breeze Crotch fan, you can now live out your fantasy of being Labyrinth's Jareth The Goblin, as immortalized by that sweet piece of meat, David Bowie! Crotch rot? Breeze it with Breeze Crotch!

COLONEL KENNEL BARKING SCHOOL

You don't have to hate animals to dislike the heart-wrenching disaster that is a moronic and ill-informed dog bark. Some dogs just don't know what they're doing. They go ahead and open their mouths only to sound like dying possums, mating squirrels, or even, on much rarer ocassions, Paula Cole songs!

The thing is, dogs have been so domesticated by pussy-ass people, that in most cases, they've lost their doggie mojos and overall will to live. But those days are over! From the people that brought you Bacon Bits and the hit movie, Benji, we present Colonel Kennel Barking School- for dogs who want to take control of their lives!

CKBS will not only provide your cute, little doggies with the effective power and pitch needed for their barking needs, but will also help them develop a solid sense of worth and physical acumen! Have a bitch-ass dog? Send him to CKBS! CKBS, give your dog a new leash on life!

TOE-MATIC

(The Finger/Toe Dispenser)

According to Newsweekly, each year, somewhere between 3 and 15,687 people lose a finger or toe on the job. Imagine having to go through life without one of those babies. Do you work with dangerous equipment? Did you just nod? Good. Are you worried that this might happen to you? Nodding? Stop fucking worrying! Now with the Toe-Matic, you no longer have to worry about long lines at the emergency room or about disposing of your diseased bloody paper towels! Because with Toe-Matic, you can pop on a new appendage at the simple snap of a finger!

Simply, refill the Toe-Matic regularly with the fingers/toes of refugees or undocumented citizens, accidentally cut, and pop! You're all set! It's THAT simple. Safe job environment? Don't fret! Distract or play a trick on your co-worker! He'll be laughing in no time when he sees how easy the Toe-Matic is to use! Bad Commentary gives the Toe-Matic two thumbs up!

Face it, we're all going to die horrible deaths, like getting snuggled into complete ecstasy by friendly dolphins, or mowed down by the gentle kisses of angelic golden retrievers. These inventions, which SHOULD HAVE ALREADY EXISTED, will dramatically extend the amount of time we spend on this goddamn awesome planet! So buy one today! (Invention or planet, makes no difference.)

______

And now, a word from our Sponsors:

Read more...

10 Funny Schizoid Things to Say to People

1) I want to wrestle with a political sandwich.

2) The lonely coast, from here to from, is four jelly beans that stare.

3) My groin lost its ocean meat, macaroniously speaking.

4) Where did you time?! I'm a barnacle truth.

5) I've come from incisor ball and have a mink for sausage queen.

6) Oh my god, the cheese is milking my face and I'm Norton!

7) HAHA, you dumb shit! I'm inhaling a cat rap.

8) Is there a cocoon in my nose to sleeve, Manpacket?

9) I hereby declare that I have spork visions.

10) My favorite music is potato chip.

Read more...

Everyone Hates Teenagers.

If you really think about it, no one likes teenagers. They are the toxic sludge of every generation. They're always depressed, consume more resources than God, and somehow always manage to be the victims of something, however insidious their original motivations. And we know this because, guess what? We were once teenagers, unfortunately- unless you're one of the current Republican candidates who were born exactly as they appear (i.e. strange adult mixtures of wooden teeth, gray hairs, and skin made of rotten tree bark).

Teenagers hate everything. They hate pasta, dolphins, bears, home phones, food, values, the news, boredom, and most of the time, they even hate colors. Ultimately, though, they pretty much always hate themselves. And I mean, this is entirely understandable since they're teenagers and they suck and they know this- which is probably why they're always depressed. We know this because when we were teenagers, we hated ourselves as well. Some people remain teenagers forever and eventually embark on a non-stop hate train to Haterville, Haterchusetts. (Note: That was just a figurative expression, there really is no Haterville, Haterchusetts- just in case you'd like to avoid it.)

(These teenagers are probably watching a satanic ritual they fully approve of.) 

Teenagers are putrid creations and they usually reek of locker room and/or K-Mart perfume. They always have ACNE and talk funny when they go through puberty. They torture children, drive fast while on drugs, scream at their dogs, dress their hamsters up in tutus, and overfeed their turtles. They can't be trusted. That's why the drinking age is 21- because the government knows that every teenager is a nuclear mess of a bomb and they're silently trying to prevent the synchronized supernova teenager tantrum that will make the multiverse implode this year. I have several nieces and nephews who are teenagers and they know more than anyone that teenagers suck. I love these kids dearly, but they know it's nothing personal because you just can't love a teenager until they are officially 20 years old. Even parents hate their teenagers. Some parents spoil their children and give them lots of money in the hopes that they'll just take a plane to Mongolia and disappear from their lives.

(Some teenagers actually need to hide from other teenagers in order to talk about math equations and social studies.) 

Anyway, I don't want to write about this anymore because it's making me hate. Moral of the story, teenagers are demons and they want to eat your flesh.

Read more...

No Pets.

I'm fascinated by the fact the "No pets" reversed is "Step on." I really hope there isn't some dog out there that goes by "Dewolla" since "No Pets Allowed" reversed would not be his favorite. 


And since we're on the topic, I find road signs to be ambigous and confusing in general. They are written in a language that humans (i.e. dumb-ass, nut sacks) will never fully understand. The best example of this is the infamous "Slow Children" sign. This one right here: 

Now, is the sign telling me, as a driver, to slow down because there are children around? OR is it telling the children to slow down because there are cars in the area? OR is it telling us drivers that there are "slow" (meaning, retarded) children in the area so that I be aware of the possibility that a rabid little girl with Down Syndrome may potentially hop on the roof of my car and eat her way in? No offense to you Down Syndrome girls- I'm just trying to make a point. I still love you guys.

Read more...

Lessons in History: Part 2, The Mesolithic and Neolithic

Hi kids! Know you're all jonesing to hear the rest of the story of human's history! Well, just chillax, get out your sandwich, poke that straw into your juicebox and get ready for...

MORE STONE AGE

So when we left off, anatomically modern humans had spread to all parts of the world, overthrowing the previous regimes of The Sabertooth Tiger Empire and Woolly Mammoth Dynasty with the use of a powerful new weapon made by attaching a sharpened stone to a long stick, Spear. This combined with their snazzy new skill firemaking, they made Burning Spear.



Burning Spear, once properly hafted and alit, quickly allowed humans to rise to the top of the food chain with his steady beats and intelligent retrospective lyrics, which, while often not as heavy as say Dennis Brown, constantly reminded early humans of the social inequality in Jamaica at the time. In academia, Burning Spear is generally considered the terminal Palaeolithic and beginning of the Middle Stone Age, or...

MESOLITHIC

The Mesolithic has been a period largely ignored in archaeologically research until the past few decades. While the Palaeolithic had motorcycles and ape-men and the Neolithic has agriculture, the Mesolithic lacked a real defining characteristic. Until the efforts of one man.You see, back in the period we archaeologists refer to as "the day" (c. 1910-1960), the Neolithic was championed by a man named Vere Gordon Childe. Childe had ridiculous glasses, an odd name, a crazy mustache, often talked to himself, and was a downright weirdo. In other words, the perfect archaeologist.

'V' for Vere

With the Childe riding the Neolithic white war steed into battle the period reached new heights and Neolithic stock rose through the roof. But all cool people are destined to become uncool one day. As time went on lithographs of a new archaeologist started appearing in the student centre's billboard, John Grahame Douglas Clark.

Grahame Clark was younger, sexier, had a longer name, no mustache, and wouldn't shut up about "socio-economies". In short, he was the bee's knees.

Grahame Clark inspecting a Aquilonian Blade found in the garden

And also, for some reason, he cared about a little known period called the Mesolithic. Incidentally, I need to install Photoshop already and stop messing around with MS Paint. As all the female archaeologists wanted him and all the male archaeologists wanted to be him, no one ignored the Mesolithic ever again. So what actually happened during the Mesolithic? I haven't a clue.

NEOLITHIC

The Neolithic is considered the beginning of agriculture and pastoralism. That and building big things. Those wacky guys couldn't get enough of it! The predominant theory was that after farming and livestock had been adopted by the ex-hunter gatherers, they became very very very bored. Stalking killer bears in the forest does not compare to watching wheat grow or making sure your slow moving sheep do not walk off a cliff. So to pass the time they built monuments. Here are a few you will probably recognize:


After the destruction of the several limestone Death Stars by pesky rebel scum, Neolithic groups decided it was time to hurry up and find some metal to make them out of. And so we leave the Stone Age and enter the exciting, shiny AGE OF METAL. Stay tuned for your next fat dose of history, the Bronze Age!

Read more...

Rare Conditions and the Celebrities They Affect: Part 1

Name of condition: Disfalafeloofahlexia
Description: The inability to distinguish a loofah from a falafel while making a sexually harassing phone call.

Celebrity: Bill O'Reilly

Name of condition: Pseudoreleventia
Description: The mistaken belief that what you say or think has any relevance whatsoever to anyone.

Celebrities: Joan Rivers, Ryan Seacrest

 

Name of condition: Pubofrenia
Description: A delusional state where the sufferer believes his or her actions should be guided by a specific patch of body hair.

Celebrity: Adolf Hitler (NOTE: Also common amongst porn stars and pedophiles.)

Name of condition: Communist Compulsive Disorder or CCD
Description: An uncontrollable, overriding urge to see and point out Communist conspiracies in everything observed.

Celebrity: Glenn Beck

Name of condition: Unconstricted Anus Syndrome
Description: Becoming Gay after bashing homosexuals.

Celebrities: Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Glenn Murphy Jr., Bob Allen (NOTE: Possibly caused by a virus that flourishes within GOP conventions/gatherings.)

Name of condition: Immortality
Description: Self explanatory.

Celebrity: Todd Bridges (R.I.P. Gary Coleman and Dana Plato) (NOTE: Find out if Mr. Drummond is still alive and what his real name is/was.)

_____

And now, a word from our Sponsors:

Read more...

The Power of NoHomo

The times-are-a-changing, that’s for goddamn sure. The 1960’s brought us the sexual revolution, which was enough of a shock. I never understood how a woman could want premarital sex with numerous partners. I mean Puh-lease. Is this what you call empowerment?

But I was willing to adapt. Although these individuals who engage in so-called “free love” are going to hell, I will treat them with the same level of courtesy and respect I afford to any child of God.

But little did I know, that this wasn’t the end of the Sodom and Gomorrah-ization of the United States. Yes, that’s right: I’m talking about the “homosexual” question.

When you have queers like Will from Will and Grace and Ellen from the Ellen Degeneris Show parade around as if their homosexuality were a badge of honor, you know that our society is going down the toilet bowl, and QUICKLY! When you see the utterly surreal act of a man reading wedding vows to another MAN (only in Taxachusetts!), you start thinking to yourself, “am I just stuck in a bad dream?”

 (A syndicated sin!)

Let’s face it, the gays are taking over and celebrating their sinfulness with gleeful abandon.
But, again, they are still children of God and we must learn to separate the Sin from the Sinner. This is why, contrary to some of my friends, I accept gays. Sure, they are damaged humans who have an unnatural connection to their mothers (or fathers if they are Lesbians), but they are still made in God’s image and I will not raise my voice or hand against them.

 (Um, not. God is all man! Although...I wonder where Mrs. God is in all this?)

Now, in this current environment, there is one tragic trend that is going unnoticed, one type of relationship that is quickly becoming obsolete. Yes, I’m talking about the platonic friendship and love that one man can share with another man. God-fearing heterosexuals are simply too scared to form intimate NON-SEXUAL bonds with another man for fear of being labeled “gay.” And the gays these days are so sex-crazy that the second they see another man, it is impossible for them to think of anything except anal intercourse.

Our boys are missing out on a variety of enriching and lifelong friendships because they cannot separate innocent male intimacy from the sinful and unnatural relationship inherent in homosexuality. Any hug is seen as a come-on and a compliment is seen as flirting. A long, deep conversation might be mistaken for a prelude to “hooking up.”

But not all hope is lost. There is one tool that God-fearing, heterosexual men have in their arsenal (no pun intended), a way to engage in very loving, non-sexual man-to-man relationships, without fear of being labeled as a homosexual. This is known as “nohomo.”

Nohomo is an elegant concept, an explicit affirmation that you are not gay. The basic idea is that when you are engaging in something which could be mistaken as homosexual activity, you say “nohomo” in order to put your special friend’s mind at ease.

 (One of the major players of the Sohomo movement! Oops, I meant the Nohomo movement.)

This phrase should be taught to students so that they can use it as a shield and develop the intimate same sex relationships that they long for. Our completely straight boys will be able to hug, hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes without fear of reproach.

In fact, let me close this with a personal, anecdotal story, to show you the power of “nohomo.” My friend Billy (no relation to our Bill) is a barber and I’ve been going to him for many years, because he knows how to give me the perfect haircut. Well, we just have the most interesting conversations when I’m sitting in the barber chair, and I thought it might be fun to go to a bar with him and discuss life over a few brewskis. However, I hesitated, nervous that if I made the first move, he would back off, thinking I was a closet gay looking to prey on his youthful body.

As you might guess, this was the perfect opportunity for me to use nohomo. I said, “Nohomo, Billy, but I’d really like to grab a drink with you sometime.” Billy smiled. “I’m really glad that you said, Nohomo, first, or else I would have been pretty weirded out!” he replied.

And there you have it! Billy and I have been able to engage in an intimate and meaningful NON SEXUAL relationship all because of one little magic phrase.

Wanna know more? Check out what Bryan Safi had to say on That's Gay:

____

And now, a word from our Sponsors:

Read more...

Lessons in History: Part 1, The Stone Age

Hello, we're adding a new feature to Babyheads 2.0! As the school systems seem to be ignoring the subject altogether, we've decided to help the public learn the exciting subject of history, in installments. As a professional archaeologist, you have the wealth of my knowledge at your disposal. So, let's begin at the very beginning of human existence and my particular specialty...

(The above is an illustration of history.)



PREHISTORY

As prehistory encompasses 99% of human existence, it is a shame it is largely ignored for periods that have flashier artifacts and movies made about them like 'Ivanhoe' and 'The 13th Warrior'. Today we'll focus on the earliest part of prehistory...

THE STONE AGE

The Stone Age is 99% of Prehistory. When humans began the long road to evolution, they very kindly did it in an easy to remember three part process, the first being the Old Stone Age, or...

PALAEOLITHIC
(99% of The Stone Age)

It began when an ugly ape thing named Homo habilis hit a rock against another rock two and a half million years ago. And that was named "TOOL". It was the first of a long line of tools produced by humans.

Tool:

Tool:


Of course, the human race did not start making hammers and douchebags with such skill. This evolution took thousands of years. Here is a chart for quick reference:

garden of eden - 1,500,000 years ago = Homo habilis = hunting, crude/expedient stone tools, crude motorcycles

1,500,000 - 500,000 years ago = Homo erectus = vacations/tourism, douchebags, sweet motorcycles, atlatls, good tools (e.g. bowflex)

800,000 - 799,999 years ago = Homo floresiensis = being tiny

500,000 - 25,000 years ago = Homo neanderthalensis = Art, Ron Perlman

200,000 years ago - 1962 = Homo sapiens = computers, douchebags (refined model), fire

Hope that cleared it up. Anyway, Homo habilis, feeling a job well done, sat down on its ass for one million years. By this time, a new sexy human had evolved. Homo erectus was a real go-getter. Standing tall and looking down at Homo habilis with contempt while the latter played with its dented stones, Homo erectus decided that the scene here was lame, and cruised on out of there on the Harley's they built.



Homo erectus spread to every corner of the earth on their sweet rides, except America since they couldn't obtain the proper visas once they mentioned they were from Africa. After a while they became bored and complacent with their superiority and thus invented Pro Wrestling and Miller High Life. Eventually, these glorious warrior/actors of the ring evolved into something new....and sinister: the NEANDERTHALS

The best way to describe the Neanderthals is they were a combination of a grizzly bear, the bumbling redcoats from Pirates of the Caribbean, and a BLT when the bacon is hickory smoked. Follow? Good, moving along....

MODERN HUMANS

Eventually the Neanderthals' scripts for pro wrestling become a bit too far fetched as they ran out of believable twists and surprise entrances. A certain group of Homo erectus, which was still around and had gotten fat from watching pro wrestling and swigging Milwaukee's Best ('The Beast'), just couldn't take it when Big Show's father died for the seventh time during a match with Boss Man. They decided to put down the bong, join a gym, enter a community college, thus paving the way for the evolution into the best damn human yet, Homo sapiens.

Should not have made fun of Big Show's Dad:

At this point, perfection having been attained, evolution completely stopped and we have remained the magnificent and wise creatures we are today.

Magnificent You:

Stay tuned for the Stone Age part 2: The Mesolithic and Neolithic and learn how we bitch slapped mother nature right in the mouth!!

Read more...

BABIES...doing AMAZING things!!!

BABY SWIMMING!

BABY SMOKING A CIGARETTE!

BABY BEING FAT!

BABY EATING APPLE SAUCE!

BABY BREAKDANCING!

BABY USING THE iPHONE AND FACEBOOK!

BABY SINGING THE BEATLES!

BABY COOKING...AND PEEING ON HIMSELF!

BABY WITH GEOGRAPHY SKILLS!

BABIES AT WORK!

BABY CRYING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!

(You might notice that the above video has been deleted. The video was a collection of clips in which Glenn Beck pulls his little crying stint to arouse sympathy in his minions. Surely, this is FoxNews' doing and I think it says a lot about how much FoxNews agrees that Glenn Beck is a little bitch. Point taken.)

Support BABYHEADS! Please mail your children to:

P.O. BOX 900

BEVERLY HILLS, CA 90213-0900

Thank you.

____

And now, a message from our Sponsors:

Read more...

Top 10 People Who Fucked Up The Planet

In no particular order of importance. Click on links for illustrations:

(Even Boner was cooler than you. THAT was a rockstar!)

1. Kirk Cameron (for not following your destiny of becoming a strung out heroin addict and/or crackhead. This should've been your path. You had true potential and you became a jerk. You've disappointed all of us for getting all up on god's dick. Step off his jock, man, he don't like you. Youse mad wack, b!) Counteracting Agent: Gary Coleman. He may be tiny, but at least HE's been to the dark side, Willis!

 (More like Nostra-dumb-ass. Oh man, I kill me. Shut up.)

2. Nostradamus (for being wrong about absolutely everything. Although, kudos on being the first medieval drag-queen.) Counteracting Agent: Negrodamus (Paul Mooney)

 (If you look closely, you can see burning skulls embedded in the rose petals.)

3. That dude at the Vienna Academy who rejected Hitler's art (for obvious reasons. Way to go! You can inhale a nut for that.) Counteracting Agent: Bob Ross. He erases bad dreams with little strokes of magic.

 (YOU try drawing a heart on a laptop!)

4. Richard Nixon, and his little boyfriend, Henry Kissinger (for being a general dick and for giving pretty much every country a Hot Carl. If you're a ghost somewhere, I hope George Washington gives you a Cleveland Steamer and possibly a Michael Douglas.) Counteracting Agent: Abbot and Costello.

(Jesus loved dinosaurs.) 

5. Jesus (for helping create Born Agains, innocuous Eucharist wafers that taste like foam, unnecessary wars, Pacifists who never fight back, and ruining perfectly good tortillas with your narcissism.) Counteracting Agent: Patrick Swayze (I know, he's dead. But perhaps a series of highly coordinated international replays of all his movies will bring him back from the ether. Only his dance moves can counter Jesus' sick break dancing. Not to mention that Swayze appearing on a tortilla is waaaay more interesting.)

 (Pindar?)

6. John D. Rockefeller (for being the absolute devil. So blood thirsty you wanted the Earth's blood and so tried draining it of all its oil. According to sources, you actually drank oil and munched on squirrel femurs on a regular basis, which is why you needed such a vast supply of both. If anyone were ever a Reptile, it would've been you. And if you're still alive somehow, though, please don't eat me.) Counteracting Agent: David Icke
 

(Nothing But Trouble?) 

7. Lou Perlman (on the one hand, we thank you for taking advantage of NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys. Who knows, without you, they probably would've still been around. However, what in Jebus' name would you have done with all that money which would've otherwise gone to people who needed it? Buy an infinite amount of Bree and Swedish meatballs? I hope you get molested by Suge Knight on Death Row, if you ever make it there.) Counteracting Agent: Menudo

(You truly are a Song Bird.)

8. Kenny G. (for destroying the saxophone after Jazz was doing so well.Your music has helped conceive an endless amount of babies who are now subliminally programmed with a predisposition to elevator romance. You have punched love in the face, deforming it irreparably. You make root canals seem tame and you have shifted the earth's access with your magnetic curls.) Counteracting Agent: Tim Cappello. You may all briefly remember him from his dynamic and explicitly alluring cameo in The Lost Boys. He is the only creation strong enough to erase the Kenny G. taint still smothering our planet's sex vibe. Don't believe me? Watch.

(So handsome.)

9. Jason Priestley (for making a whole generation of teenagers and pre-teens feel bad about themselves by comparison. Your baby blue eyes were so electrifying that we had to second-guess ourselves before making googly eyes at cheerleaders who wanted Jason Priestleys. You were the reason why most of us stuck to Nintendo when we would've otherwise have been procreating to save the planet from Scientologists and Vanilla Ice wannabees.You should've shared your mojo, man.) Counteracting Agent: Zack Morris

  (Thanks for the pussification!)

10. The inventor of the Chicken Soup books (for damaging the men who's wives forced your books on them so as to engage their sympathies and bring forth their feminine sides. There were other ways to do that like braiding, Easy Bake ovens, sleep overs, reruns of Saved by the Bell, and Sweet Valley High.) Counteracting Agent: Hustler (or, The Boxcar Children Series)

Bonus:

That guy beneath Barney the Dinosaur's suit (for corrupting an endless score of youths that no longer know their asses from their elbows. And for staining our minds with the "Apples and Bananas" song. Damn you, it's so good!) Counteracting agent: Oscar The Grouch. At least HE was real and could fuck yo whole shit up. So to speak.


____

And now, a word from our Sponsors:

Read more...