Everyone Hates Teenagers.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
If you really think about it, no one likes teenagers. They are the toxic sludge of every generation. They're always depressed, consume more resources than God, and somehow always manage to be the victims of something, however insidious their original motivations. And we know this because, guess what? We were once teenagers, unfortunately- unless you're one of the current Republican candidates who were born exactly as they appear (i.e. strange adult mixtures of wooden teeth, gray hairs, and skin made of rotten tree bark).
Teenagers hate everything. They hate pasta, dolphins, bears, home phones, food, values, the news, boredom, and most of the time, they even hate colors. Ultimately, though, they pretty much always hate themselves. And I mean, this is entirely understandable since they're teenagers and they suck and they know this- which is probably why they're always depressed. We know this because when we were teenagers, we hated ourselves as well. Some people remain teenagers forever and eventually embark on a non-stop hate train to Haterville, Haterchusetts. (Note: That was just a figurative expression, there really is no Haterville, Haterchusetts- just in case you'd like to avoid it.)
Anyway, I don't want to write about this anymore because it's making me hate. Moral of the story, teenagers are demons and they want to eat your flesh.
Read more...
(These teenagers are probably watching a satanic ritual they fully approve of.)
Teenagers are putrid creations and they usually reek of locker room and/or K-Mart perfume. They always have ACNE and talk funny when they go through puberty. They torture children, drive fast while on drugs, scream at their dogs, dress their hamsters up in tutus, and overfeed their turtles. They can't be trusted. That's why the drinking age is 21- because the government knows that every teenager is a nuclear mess of a bomb and they're silently trying to prevent the synchronized supernova teenager tantrum that will make the multiverse implode this year.
I have several nieces and nephews who are teenagers and they know more than anyone that teenagers suck. I love these kids dearly, but they know it's nothing personal because you just can't love a teenager until they are officially 20 years old. Even parents hate their teenagers. Some parents spoil their children and give them lots of money in the hopes that they'll just take a plane to Mongolia and disappear from their lives.
(Some teenagers actually need to hide from other teenagers in order to talk about math equations and social studies.)
Anyway, I don't want to write about this anymore because it's making me hate. Moral of the story, teenagers are demons and they want to eat your flesh.
No Pets.
And since we're on the topic, I find road signs to be ambigous and confusing in general. They are written in a language that humans (i.e. dumb-ass, nut sacks) will never fully understand. The best example of this is the infamous "Slow Children" sign. This one right here:
Now, is the sign telling me, as a driver, to slow down because there are children around? OR is it telling the children to slow down because there are cars in the area? OR is it telling us drivers that there are "slow" (meaning, retarded) children in the area so that I be aware of the possibility that a rabid little girl with Down Syndrome may potentially hop on the roof of my car and eat her way in? No offense to you Down Syndrome girls- I'm just trying to make a point. I still love you guys.
Lessons in History: Part 2, The Mesolithic and Neolithic
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Hi kids! Know you're all jonesing to hear the rest of the story of human's history! Well, just chillax, get out your sandwich, poke that straw into your juicebox and get ready for...
MORE STONE AGE
So when we left off, anatomically modern humans had spread to all parts of the world, overthrowing the previous regimes of The Sabertooth Tiger Empire and Woolly Mammoth Dynasty with the use of a powerful new weapon made by attaching a sharpened stone to a long stick, Spear. This combined with their snazzy new skill firemaking, they made Burning Spear.
Burning Spear, once properly hafted and alit, quickly allowed humans to rise to the top of the food chain with his steady beats and intelligent retrospective lyrics, which, while often not as heavy as say Dennis Brown, constantly reminded early humans of the social inequality in Jamaica at the time. In academia, Burning Spear is generally considered the terminal Palaeolithic and beginning of the Middle Stone Age, or...
MESOLITHIC
The Mesolithic has been a period largely ignored in archaeologically research until the past few decades. While the Palaeolithic had motorcycles and ape-men and the Neolithic has agriculture, the Mesolithic lacked a real defining characteristic. Until the efforts of one man.You see, back in the period we archaeologists refer to as "the day" (c. 1910-1960), the Neolithic was championed by a man named Vere Gordon Childe. Childe had ridiculous glasses, an odd name, a crazy mustache, often talked to himself, and was a downright weirdo. In other words, the perfect archaeologist.
With the Childe riding the Neolithic white war steed into battle the period reached new heights and Neolithic stock rose through the roof. But all cool people are destined to become uncool one day. As time went on lithographs of a new archaeologist started appearing in the student centre's billboard, John Grahame Douglas Clark.
Grahame Clark was younger, sexier, had a longer name, no mustache, and wouldn't shut up about "socio-economies". In short, he was the bee's knees.
Grahame Clark inspecting a Aquilonian Blade found in the garden
And also, for some reason, he cared about a little known period called the Mesolithic. Incidentally, I need to install Photoshop already and stop messing around with MS Paint. As all the female archaeologists wanted him and all the male archaeologists wanted to be him, no one ignored the Mesolithic ever again. So what actually happened during the Mesolithic? I haven't a clue.
Read more...
The Mesolithic has been a period largely ignored in archaeologically research until the past few decades. While the Palaeolithic had motorcycles and ape-men and the Neolithic has agriculture, the Mesolithic lacked a real defining characteristic. Until the efforts of one man.You see, back in the period we archaeologists refer to as "the day" (c. 1910-1960), the Neolithic was championed by a man named Vere Gordon Childe. Childe had ridiculous glasses, an odd name, a crazy mustache, often talked to himself, and was a downright weirdo. In other words, the perfect archaeologist.
'V' for Vere
With the Childe riding the Neolithic white war steed into battle the period reached new heights and Neolithic stock rose through the roof. But all cool people are destined to become uncool one day. As time went on lithographs of a new archaeologist started appearing in the student centre's billboard, John Grahame Douglas Clark.
Grahame Clark was younger, sexier, had a longer name, no mustache, and wouldn't shut up about "socio-economies". In short, he was the bee's knees.
Grahame Clark inspecting a Aquilonian Blade found in the gardenAnd also, for some reason, he cared about a little known period called the Mesolithic. Incidentally, I need to install Photoshop already and stop messing around with MS Paint. As all the female archaeologists wanted him and all the male archaeologists wanted to be him, no one ignored the Mesolithic ever again. So what actually happened during the Mesolithic? I haven't a clue.
NEOLITHIC
The Neolithic is considered the beginning of agriculture and pastoralism. That and building big things. Those wacky guys couldn't get enough of it! The predominant theory was that after farming and livestock had been adopted by the ex-hunter gatherers, they became very very very bored. Stalking killer bears in the forest does not compare to watching wheat grow or making sure your slow moving sheep do not walk off a cliff. So to pass the time they built monuments. Here are a few you will probably recognize:
After the destruction of the several limestone Death Stars by pesky rebel scum, Neolithic groups decided it was time to hurry up and find some metal to make them out of. And so we leave the Stone Age and enter the exciting, shiny AGE OF METAL. Stay tuned for your next fat dose of history, the Bronze Age!
The Neolithic is considered the beginning of agriculture and pastoralism. That and building big things. Those wacky guys couldn't get enough of it! The predominant theory was that after farming and livestock had been adopted by the ex-hunter gatherers, they became very very very bored. Stalking killer bears in the forest does not compare to watching wheat grow or making sure your slow moving sheep do not walk off a cliff. So to pass the time they built monuments. Here are a few you will probably recognize:
After the destruction of the several limestone Death Stars by pesky rebel scum, Neolithic groups decided it was time to hurry up and find some metal to make them out of. And so we leave the Stone Age and enter the exciting, shiny AGE OF METAL. Stay tuned for your next fat dose of history, the Bronze Age!
Rare Conditions and the Celebrities They Affect: Part 1
Monday, July 26, 2010
Name of condition: Disfalafeloofahlexia
Description: The inability to distinguish a loofah from a falafel while making a sexually harassing phone call.
Celebrity: Bill O'Reilly
Name of condition: Pseudoreleventia
Description: The mistaken belief that what you say or think has any relevance whatsoever to anyone.
Celebrities: Joan Rivers, Ryan Seacrest
Name of condition: Pubofrenia
Description: A delusional state where the sufferer believes his or her actions should be guided by a specific patch of body hair.
Celebrity: Adolf Hitler (NOTE: Also common amongst porn stars and pedophiles.)
Name of condition: Communist Compulsive Disorder or CCD
Description: An uncontrollable, overriding urge to see and point out Communist conspiracies in everything observed.
Celebrity: Glenn Beck
Name of condition: Unconstricted Anus Syndrome
Description: Becoming Gay after bashing homosexuals.
Celebrities: Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Glenn Murphy Jr., Bob Allen (NOTE: Possibly caused by a virus that flourishes within GOP conventions/gatherings.)
Name of condition: Immortality
Description: Self explanatory.
Celebrity: Todd Bridges (R.I.P. Gary Coleman and Dana Plato) (NOTE: Find out if Mr. Drummond is still alive and what his real name is/was.)
_____
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The Power of NoHomo
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The times-are-a-changing, that’s for goddamn sure. The 1960’s brought us the sexual revolution, which was enough of a shock. I never understood how a woman could want premarital sex with numerous partners. I mean Puh-lease. Is this what you call empowerment?
But I was willing to adapt. Although these individuals who engage in so-called “free love” are going to hell, I will treat them with the same level of courtesy and respect I afford to any child of God.
But little did I know, that this wasn’t the end of the Sodom and Gomorrah-ization of the United States. Yes, that’s right: I’m talking about the “homosexual” question.
When you have queers like Will from Will and Grace and Ellen from the Ellen Degeneris Show parade around as if their homosexuality were a badge of honor, you know that our society is going down the toilet bowl, and QUICKLY! When you see the utterly surreal act of a man reading wedding vows to another MAN (only in Taxachusetts!), you start thinking to yourself, “am I just stuck in a bad dream?”
Let’s face it, the gays are taking over and celebrating their sinfulness with gleeful abandon.
But, again, they are still children of God and we must learn to separate the Sin from the Sinner. This is why, contrary to some of my friends, I accept gays. Sure, they are damaged humans who have an unnatural connection to their mothers (or fathers if they are Lesbians), but they are still made in God’s image and I will not raise my voice or hand against them.
Now, in this current environment, there is one tragic trend that is going unnoticed, one type of relationship that is quickly becoming obsolete. Yes, I’m talking about the platonic friendship and love that one man can share with another man. God-fearing heterosexuals are simply too scared to form intimate NON-SEXUAL bonds with another man for fear of being labeled “gay.” And the gays these days are so sex-crazy that the second they see another man, it is impossible for them to think of anything except anal intercourse.
Our boys are missing out on a variety of enriching and lifelong friendships because they cannot separate innocent male intimacy from the sinful and unnatural relationship inherent in homosexuality. Any hug is seen as a come-on and a compliment is seen as flirting. A long, deep conversation might be mistaken for a prelude to “hooking up.”
But not all hope is lost. There is one tool that God-fearing, heterosexual men have in their arsenal (no pun intended), a way to engage in very loving, non-sexual man-to-man relationships, without fear of being labeled as a homosexual. This is known as “nohomo.”
Nohomo is an elegant concept, an explicit affirmation that you are not gay. The basic idea is that when you are engaging in something which could be mistaken as homosexual activity, you say “nohomo” in order to put your special friend’s mind at ease.
This phrase should be taught to students so that they can use it as a shield and develop the intimate same sex relationships that they long for. Our completely straight boys will be able to hug, hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes without fear of reproach.
In fact, let me close this with a personal, anecdotal story, to show you the power of “nohomo.” My friend Billy (no relation to our Bill) is a barber and I’ve been going to him for many years, because he knows how to give me the perfect haircut. Well, we just have the most interesting conversations when I’m sitting in the barber chair, and I thought it might be fun to go to a bar with him and discuss life over a few brewskis. However, I hesitated, nervous that if I made the first move, he would back off, thinking I was a closet gay looking to prey on his youthful body.
As you might guess, this was the perfect opportunity for me to use nohomo. I said, “Nohomo, Billy, but I’d really like to grab a drink with you sometime.” Billy smiled. “I’m really glad that you said, Nohomo, first, or else I would have been pretty weirded out!” he replied.
And there you have it! Billy and I have been able to engage in an intimate and meaningful NON SEXUAL relationship all because of one little magic phrase.
Wanna know more? Check out what Bryan Safi had to say on That's Gay:
____
And now, a word from our Sponsors:
Read more...
But I was willing to adapt. Although these individuals who engage in so-called “free love” are going to hell, I will treat them with the same level of courtesy and respect I afford to any child of God.
But little did I know, that this wasn’t the end of the Sodom and Gomorrah-ization of the United States. Yes, that’s right: I’m talking about the “homosexual” question.
When you have queers like Will from Will and Grace and Ellen from the Ellen Degeneris Show parade around as if their homosexuality were a badge of honor, you know that our society is going down the toilet bowl, and QUICKLY! When you see the utterly surreal act of a man reading wedding vows to another MAN (only in Taxachusetts!), you start thinking to yourself, “am I just stuck in a bad dream?”
(A syndicated sin!)
Let’s face it, the gays are taking over and celebrating their sinfulness with gleeful abandon.
But, again, they are still children of God and we must learn to separate the Sin from the Sinner. This is why, contrary to some of my friends, I accept gays. Sure, they are damaged humans who have an unnatural connection to their mothers (or fathers if they are Lesbians), but they are still made in God’s image and I will not raise my voice or hand against them.
(Um, not. God is all man! Although...I wonder where Mrs. God is in all this?)
Now, in this current environment, there is one tragic trend that is going unnoticed, one type of relationship that is quickly becoming obsolete. Yes, I’m talking about the platonic friendship and love that one man can share with another man. God-fearing heterosexuals are simply too scared to form intimate NON-SEXUAL bonds with another man for fear of being labeled “gay.” And the gays these days are so sex-crazy that the second they see another man, it is impossible for them to think of anything except anal intercourse.
Our boys are missing out on a variety of enriching and lifelong friendships because they cannot separate innocent male intimacy from the sinful and unnatural relationship inherent in homosexuality. Any hug is seen as a come-on and a compliment is seen as flirting. A long, deep conversation might be mistaken for a prelude to “hooking up.”
But not all hope is lost. There is one tool that God-fearing, heterosexual men have in their arsenal (no pun intended), a way to engage in very loving, non-sexual man-to-man relationships, without fear of being labeled as a homosexual. This is known as “nohomo.”
Nohomo is an elegant concept, an explicit affirmation that you are not gay. The basic idea is that when you are engaging in something which could be mistaken as homosexual activity, you say “nohomo” in order to put your special friend’s mind at ease.
(One of the major players of the Sohomo movement! Oops, I meant the Nohomo movement.)
This phrase should be taught to students so that they can use it as a shield and develop the intimate same sex relationships that they long for. Our completely straight boys will be able to hug, hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes without fear of reproach.
In fact, let me close this with a personal, anecdotal story, to show you the power of “nohomo.” My friend Billy (no relation to our Bill) is a barber and I’ve been going to him for many years, because he knows how to give me the perfect haircut. Well, we just have the most interesting conversations when I’m sitting in the barber chair, and I thought it might be fun to go to a bar with him and discuss life over a few brewskis. However, I hesitated, nervous that if I made the first move, he would back off, thinking I was a closet gay looking to prey on his youthful body.
As you might guess, this was the perfect opportunity for me to use nohomo. I said, “Nohomo, Billy, but I’d really like to grab a drink with you sometime.” Billy smiled. “I’m really glad that you said, Nohomo, first, or else I would have been pretty weirded out!” he replied.
And there you have it! Billy and I have been able to engage in an intimate and meaningful NON SEXUAL relationship all because of one little magic phrase.
Wanna know more? Check out what Bryan Safi had to say on That's Gay:
And now, a word from our Sponsors:
Lessons in History: Part 1, The Stone Age
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Hello, we're adding a new feature to Babyheads 2.0! As the school systems seem to be ignoring the subject altogether, we've decided to help the public learn the exciting subject of history, in installments. As a professional archaeologist, you have the wealth of my knowledge at your disposal. So, let's begin at the very beginning of human existence and my particular specialty...
PREHISTORY
As prehistory encompasses 99% of human existence, it is a shame it is largely ignored for periods that have flashier artifacts and movies made about them like 'Ivanhoe' and 'The 13th Warrior'. Today we'll focus on the earliest part of prehistory...
THE STONE AGE
The Stone Age is 99% of Prehistory. When humans began the long road to evolution, they very kindly did it in an easy to remember three part process, the first being the Old Stone Age, or...
PALAEOLITHIC
(99% of The Stone Age)
(99% of The Stone Age)
It began when an ugly ape thing named Homo habilis hit a rock against another rock two and a half million years ago. And that was named "TOOL". It was the first of a long line of tools produced by humans.
Tool:
Tool:
Tool:
Of course, the human race did not start making hammers and douchebags with such skill. This evolution took thousands of years. Here is a chart for quick reference:
garden of eden - 1,500,000 years ago = Homo habilis = hunting, crude/expedient stone tools, crude motorcycles
1,500,000 - 500,000 years ago = Homo erectus = vacations/tourism, douchebags, sweet motorcycles, atlatls, good tools (e.g. bowflex)
800,000 - 799,999 years ago = Homo floresiensis = being tiny
500,000 - 25,000 years ago = Homo neanderthalensis = Art, Ron Perlman
200,000 years ago - 1962 = Homo sapiens = computers, douchebags (refined model), fire
Hope that cleared it up. Anyway, Homo habilis, feeling a job well done, sat down on its ass for one million years. By this time, a new sexy human had evolved. Homo erectus was a real go-getter. Standing tall and looking down at Homo habilis with contempt while the latter played with its dented stones, Homo erectus decided that the scene here was lame, and cruised on out of there on the Harley's they built. 
Homo erectus spread to every corner of the earth on their sweet rides, except America since they couldn't obtain the proper visas once they mentioned they were from Africa. After a while they became bored and complacent with their superiority and thus invented Pro Wrestling and Miller High Life. Eventually, these glorious warrior/actors of the ring evolved into something new....and sinister: the NEANDERTHALS
The best way to describe the Neanderthals is they were a combination of a grizzly bear, the bumbling redcoats from Pirates of the Caribbean, and a BLT when the bacon is hickory smoked. Follow? Good, moving along....
MODERN HUMANS
Eventually the Neanderthals' scripts for pro wrestling become a bit too far fetched as they ran out of believable twists and surprise entrances. A certain group of Homo erectus, which was still around and had gotten fat from watching pro wrestling and swigging Milwaukee's Best ('The Beast'), just couldn't take it when Big Show's father died for the seventh time during a match with Boss Man. They decided to put down the bong, join a gym, enter a community college, thus paving the way for the evolution into the best damn human yet, Homo sapiens.
Should not have made fun of Big Show's Dad:
At this point, perfection having been attained, evolution completely stopped and we have remained the magnificent and wise creatures we are today.
Magnificent You:
Stay tuned for the Stone Age part 2: The Mesolithic and Neolithic and learn how we bitch slapped mother nature right in the mouth!!
BABIES...doing AMAZING things!!!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
BABY SWIMMING!
BABY SMOKING A CIGARETTE!
BABY BEING FAT!
BABY EATING APPLE SAUCE!
BABY BREAKDANCING!
BABY USING THE iPHONE AND FACEBOOK!
BABY SINGING THE BEATLES!
BABY COOKING...AND PEEING ON HIMSELF!
BABY WITH GEOGRAPHY SKILLS!
BABIES AT WORK!
BABY CRYING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!
(You might notice that the above video has been deleted. The video was a collection of clips in which Glenn Beck pulls his little crying stint to arouse sympathy in his minions. Surely, this is FoxNews' doing and I think it says a lot about how much FoxNews agrees that Glenn Beck is a little bitch. Point taken.)
Support BABYHEADS! Please mail your children to:
P.O. BOX 900
BEVERLY HILLS, CA 90213-0900
Thank you.
____
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Top 10 People Who Fucked Up The Planet
Friday, May 21, 2010
In no particular order of importance. Click on links for illustrations:
1. Kirk Cameron (for not following your destiny of becoming a strung out heroin addict and/or crackhead. This should've been your path. You had true potential and you became a jerk. You've disappointed all of us for getting all up on god's dick. Step off his jock, man, he don't like you. Youse mad wack, b!) Counteracting Agent: Gary Coleman. He may be tiny, but at least HE's been to the dark side, Willis!
2. Nostradamus (for being wrong about absolutely everything. Although, kudos on being the first medieval drag-queen.) Counteracting Agent: Negrodamus (Paul Mooney)
3. That dude at the Vienna Academy who rejected Hitler's art (for obvious reasons. Way to go! You can inhale a nut for that.) Counteracting Agent: Bob Ross. He erases bad dreams with little strokes of magic.
4. Richard Nixon, and his little boyfriend, Henry Kissinger (for being a general dick and for giving pretty much every country a Hot Carl. If you're a ghost somewhere, I hope George Washington gives you a Cleveland Steamer and possibly a Michael Douglas.) Counteracting Agent: Abbot and Costello.
5. Jesus (for helping create Born Agains, innocuous Eucharist wafers that taste like foam, unnecessary wars, Pacifists who never fight back, and ruining perfectly good tortillas with your narcissism.) Counteracting Agent: Patrick Swayze (I know, he's dead. But perhaps a series of highly coordinated international replays of all his movies will bring him back from the ether. Only his dance moves can counter Jesus' sick break dancing. Not to mention that Swayze appearing on a tortilla is waaaay more interesting.)
6. John D. Rockefeller (for being the absolute devil. So blood thirsty you wanted the Earth's blood and so tried draining it of all its oil. According to sources, you actually drank oil and munched on squirrel femurs on a regular basis, which is why you needed such a vast supply of both. If anyone were ever a Reptile, it would've been you. And if you're still alive somehow, though, please don't eat me.) Counteracting Agent: David Icke
7. Lou Perlman (on the one hand, we thank you for taking advantage of NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys. Who knows, without you, they probably would've still been around. However, what in Jebus' name would you have done with all that money which would've otherwise gone to people who needed it? Buy an infinite amount of Bree and Swedish meatballs? I hope you get molested by Suge Knight on Death Row, if you ever make it there.) Counteracting Agent: Menudo
8. Kenny G. (for destroying the saxophone after Jazz was doing so well.Your music has helped conceive an endless amount of babies who are now subliminally programmed with a predisposition to elevator romance. You have punched love in the face, deforming it irreparably. You make root canals seem tame and you have shifted the earth's access with your magnetic curls.) Counteracting Agent: Tim Cappello. You may all briefly remember him from his dynamic and explicitly alluring cameo in The Lost Boys. He is the only creation strong enough to erase the Kenny G. taint still smothering our planet's sex vibe. Don't believe me? Watch.
9. Jason Priestley (for making a whole generation of teenagers and pre-teens feel bad about themselves by comparison. Your baby blue eyes were so electrifying that we had to second-guess ourselves before making googly eyes at cheerleaders who wanted Jason Priestleys. You were the reason why most of us stuck to Nintendo when we would've otherwise have been procreating to save the planet from Scientologists and Vanilla Ice wannabees.You should've shared your mojo, man.) Counteracting Agent: Zack Morris
10. The inventor of the Chicken Soup books (for damaging the men who's wives forced your books on them so as to engage their sympathies and bring forth their feminine sides. There were other ways to do that like braiding, Easy Bake ovens, sleep overs, reruns of Saved by the Bell, and Sweet Valley High.) Counteracting Agent: Hustler (or, The Boxcar Children Series)
That guy beneath Barney the Dinosaur's suit (for corrupting an endless score of youths that no longer know their asses from their elbows. And for staining our minds with the "Apples and Bananas" song. Damn you, it's so good!) Counteracting agent: Oscar The Grouch. At least HE was real and could fuck yo whole shit up. So to speak.
____
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Read more...
(Even Boner was cooler than you. THAT was a rockstar!)
1. Kirk Cameron (for not following your destiny of becoming a strung out heroin addict and/or crackhead. This should've been your path. You had true potential and you became a jerk. You've disappointed all of us for getting all up on god's dick. Step off his jock, man, he don't like you. Youse mad wack, b!) Counteracting Agent: Gary Coleman. He may be tiny, but at least HE's been to the dark side, Willis!
(More like Nostra-dumb-ass. Oh man, I kill me. Shut up.)
2. Nostradamus (for being wrong about absolutely everything. Although, kudos on being the first medieval drag-queen.) Counteracting Agent: Negrodamus (Paul Mooney)
(If you look closely, you can see burning skulls embedded in the rose petals.)
3. That dude at the Vienna Academy who rejected Hitler's art (for obvious reasons. Way to go! You can inhale a nut for that.) Counteracting Agent: Bob Ross. He erases bad dreams with little strokes of magic.
(YOU try drawing a heart on a laptop!)
4. Richard Nixon, and his little boyfriend, Henry Kissinger (for being a general dick and for giving pretty much every country a Hot Carl. If you're a ghost somewhere, I hope George Washington gives you a Cleveland Steamer and possibly a Michael Douglas.) Counteracting Agent: Abbot and Costello.
(Jesus loved dinosaurs.)
5. Jesus (for helping create Born Agains, innocuous Eucharist wafers that taste like foam, unnecessary wars, Pacifists who never fight back, and ruining perfectly good tortillas with your narcissism.) Counteracting Agent: Patrick Swayze (I know, he's dead. But perhaps a series of highly coordinated international replays of all his movies will bring him back from the ether. Only his dance moves can counter Jesus' sick break dancing. Not to mention that Swayze appearing on a tortilla is waaaay more interesting.)
(Pindar?)
6. John D. Rockefeller (for being the absolute devil. So blood thirsty you wanted the Earth's blood and so tried draining it of all its oil. According to sources, you actually drank oil and munched on squirrel femurs on a regular basis, which is why you needed such a vast supply of both. If anyone were ever a Reptile, it would've been you. And if you're still alive somehow, though, please don't eat me.) Counteracting Agent: David Icke
7. Lou Perlman (on the one hand, we thank you for taking advantage of NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys. Who knows, without you, they probably would've still been around. However, what in Jebus' name would you have done with all that money which would've otherwise gone to people who needed it? Buy an infinite amount of Bree and Swedish meatballs? I hope you get molested by Suge Knight on Death Row, if you ever make it there.) Counteracting Agent: Menudo
(You truly are a Song Bird.)
8. Kenny G. (for destroying the saxophone after Jazz was doing so well.Your music has helped conceive an endless amount of babies who are now subliminally programmed with a predisposition to elevator romance. You have punched love in the face, deforming it irreparably. You make root canals seem tame and you have shifted the earth's access with your magnetic curls.) Counteracting Agent: Tim Cappello. You may all briefly remember him from his dynamic and explicitly alluring cameo in The Lost Boys. He is the only creation strong enough to erase the Kenny G. taint still smothering our planet's sex vibe. Don't believe me? Watch.
(So handsome.)
9. Jason Priestley (for making a whole generation of teenagers and pre-teens feel bad about themselves by comparison. Your baby blue eyes were so electrifying that we had to second-guess ourselves before making googly eyes at cheerleaders who wanted Jason Priestleys. You were the reason why most of us stuck to Nintendo when we would've otherwise have been procreating to save the planet from Scientologists and Vanilla Ice wannabees.You should've shared your mojo, man.) Counteracting Agent: Zack Morris
(Thanks for the pussification!)
10. The inventor of the Chicken Soup books (for damaging the men who's wives forced your books on them so as to engage their sympathies and bring forth their feminine sides. There were other ways to do that like braiding, Easy Bake ovens, sleep overs, reruns of Saved by the Bell, and Sweet Valley High.) Counteracting Agent: Hustler (or, The Boxcar Children Series)
Bonus:
That guy beneath Barney the Dinosaur's suit (for corrupting an endless score of youths that no longer know their asses from their elbows. And for staining our minds with the "Apples and Bananas" song. Damn you, it's so good!) Counteracting agent: Oscar The Grouch. At least HE was real and could fuck yo whole shit up. So to speak.
____
And now, a word from our Sponsors:
Fluffernutter Sandwiches Cause Sexual Deviance
Monday, May 10, 2010
A 30-year longitudinal study by Babyheads 2.0! Labs in Boston, MA has concluded that the daily consumption of fluffernutter sandwiches may be a leading cause in promoting sexually deviant behavior.
"We found some very strong correlations between regular fluffernutter consumption and a variety of sexually deviant activities including sex before marriage, homosexuality, and a disgusting practice known as 'doggystyle,'" said Maxwell Schaffer, lead investigator of the study.
Respondents from a variety of socioeconomic backgrounds were given a detailed survey once every 5 years over a 30 year period, in which they were asked to describe both how often they consumed fluffernutter sandwiches and their participation in immoral sexual activities. "It seems that there is a direct relationship between fluffernutter consumption and the degree of sexual deviance. In other words, the more fluffernutters you eat, the more sexually deviant you become," Schaffer said.
(Do you trust this delicious sandwich?)
Dr. Schaffer's study is not without its fair share of critics. "I'm not convinced that this study was adequately controlled, and that fluffernutters are necessarily the cause of sexual deviance. Even if we find that fluffernutters contribute to this behavior, I still think that there are other, more significant factors. It's important that we don't just stop at fluffernutter consumption," said Dr. Johnathan Sanchez of the Hoffmann Institute for Social Research.
The fluffernutter theory certainly resonates with John Morris (name changed to protect his anonymity). "I didn't think about it at the time, but this one day when I was 11 years-old, I had a fluffernutter every day for my school lunch and that weekend, well I had this uncontrollable urge to, uh, touch myself you-know-where. And I just couldn't stop. To be honest with you, I still can't stop touching myself and it's scarred me both psychologically and physically. I can't even keep a relationship for more than two weeks without cheating on her with my hand. I'm sick," said Mr. Morris.
"The truth is, there is still a lot of work to be done," said Dr. Schaffer. "Individuals like Mr. Morris are suffering and it's our mission to save them from their web of lust. Pinpointing fluffernutters as the cause of their grief is the first step in developing a cure."
Babyheads 2.0! Labs has asked that anyone who suspects fluffernutter consumption may be at the root of their sexual deviance to contact them immediately at: fluffernuttersyndrome@gmail.com. Read more...
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