GREATEST Rap Battle Ever! Period!

Because there seriously is little better than this:


EMBED-Worst Rap Battle Ever - Watch more free videos


Thanks you, grego84 for the amazing video and Atlanta High School for that brilliant production value. ATL!

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Top Ten Actors You Never Want To Be Left Alone With In An Alley

Below, I've compiled a list of the sketchiest/scariest looking actors ever to hit the big screen. The basic criteria? What actors are most likely to rape you if alone in a dark alleyway. Hopefully, you'll agree, or have some of your own suggestions. Enjoy!

 

(This is the closest we'll ever get to a smile.)

10. Tony Todd (AKA CANDYMAN): You might think it's kind of early to bust this one out, but I'm telling you, we have some gems coming up. Ah, what can we say about Tony Todd that can't be summed up in this one picture? He's pretty sketchy in everything he's ever been in. In all honesty, I wouldn't know how to approach him in public fearing that a swarm of killer bees will come out of his mouth at the most innocent, "Hello." Then again, I think he only murders white women, which makes me feel a little better. I know, I know, Candyman was just a portrayal. It's just hard to think that he would have an identity outside of Candyman and that he actually engages in normal everyday routines such as shopping for oranges, changing diapers, and mowing his lawn. Or maybe I just don't want to imagine him going about those activities without a hook for a hand. Poor babies.

 

 (Hint: Do not attempt to cuddle with this man.)

9. Danny Trejo (AKA the beloved 'Navajas' in Desperado): I just want to get this out there, this guy is cooler than you are. Period. But he'll still rape you in an alley. He usually plays the charismatic, blood-thirsty thug in Quentin Tarantino flicks or the conniving two-face, as he did in 'The Salton Sea' after which he got his penis eaten by a Marmot or something with claws and teeth. Danny Trejo actually has a pretty interesting bio, which is more than I can say for most big time celebrities who haven't done or been through shit and still make millions of dollars. I guess that says something about integrity. But my point isn't to preach, it's just to let you know that this actor will indeed sodomize you, and like it, and that no matter how nice he may appear on the outside- you're fucked. Period.

  

8. Bill Duke (AKA That dude from that movie...) Then there's this dude, who's in like every movie you can imagine. He usually plays a cop or some kind of authority figure who just doesn't give a fuck about the rules. You may remember him from Mel Gibson's hit flick "Payback" or the Schwarzenegger action-classic "Predator." He usually dies before the end of the movie and is pretty much always outsmarted by the protagonist for his deceptive ways. Do not accept anything from this man if you ever see him on the street since you can be pretty sure that he has some angle, unless you're Mel Gibson or the Predator him-(her/it?) self. Otherwise, rape.

 

7.75 I mean, might as well. I think it's unanimous that this man is clinically tapped, which is fine cause some eccentricity and antisemitism never hurts anyone. Oh wait, actually, it does. That's too bad since he was pretty cool in Lethal Weapon, especially whenever he would dislocate his arm only to bang it back into place. Oh man, those were the days. And then he fucked it all up and got Alzheimer's. Mel Gibson (AKA Just a dude  that needs some loving).

 

7.5 Mo'Nique (AKA Unicron): Oh sure, she looks friendly, probably looks like she wants to bake you some cookies. Wrong! I mean, right, she does want to bake you cookies, but it's only to fatten you up so that she can devour your entire family. I know, I'm being insensitive, but to be fair, A) she plays up the stereotype and B) celebrities are well aware that they will be milked and exploited for content and that's the very essence of their being, a walking endorsement for whatever bullshit they allow themselves to be affixed to via contrived exposure. Otherwise, they do their best to stay away from the bullshit and keep their dignity. That's how I justify it all, at least. Anyway, chances are this doesn't matter anyway because she probably ate the planet a long time ago, so that in the mean time we subsist INSIDE of her as if nothing ever happened. Worse than alley rape-age, in my opinion.

6. Sam Neill (AKA Grant or HOLY SHIT, THAT FUCKED UP DUDE FROM 'EVENT HORIZON'): He just always looks like he's hatching some mastermind scheme. Just look at those burning embers. They say, "I got you figured out. Oh sure, take that sip of wine. Get on that bus, I'll be waiting in your bedroom. I'll be watching you sleep gently." Not only that, but all British accents are inherently evil and calculating and that's a fact. That's why France and Great Britain have always been at odds, because France totally figured out their true intentions as revealed by their accents and then they got all defensive and shit. You may fail to see why this man is sketchy and that's just because you've been seduced by his charm and good-looks. But I suggest that you step back and smell the horses coffee meat. I wish I knew what that meant. Sam Neill sleeps beneath your bed regularly.

5. Raymond Cruz (AKA Tuco in 'Breaking Bad'): This dude always plays some variation of bad-ass. He was also in 'Training Day' and almost has no neck, which is pretty cool. His volatile demeanor and beady, almost non-existent eyes make him a great candidate for our rapist list. Unfortunately, he strikes fear into my soul so I'm going to stop writing about him.

 

 (Stay back, Gnome Woman!)

4. Zelda Rubinstein (AKA "This house is clean" lady in Poltergeist): Definitely. This lady is fucked. She's like a little auntie that does your laundry even when you don't feel that your clothes is really that dirty. Villainous, indeed. I can imagine her in an alley suddenly chewing your ankles to the marrow. I always thought her to be a little scarier than that old Quaker Oats ghost in the Poltergeist movies. At least that dude just wanted to eat some hot cereal with Carol Anne and perhaps her soul, while this lady...ankles. She probably eats cankles, too. Oh wait, ate. She's dead. Damn it, I'm suddenly immoral.

 

3. Carrot Top (AKA Carrot Top): First of all, what the fuck happened to this guy? First, he was lame. Then he got some muscles and...well, is still lame. Except, now he looks like he's coping with something deep and painful like having to deal with the reality of not being funny. What's he done to his eyebrows? What is he doing with his tongue in this picture? Why is he wearing a basketball jersey? Does he play basketball? Can you imagine the utter humiliation of getting dunked on by Carrot Top? Can you imagine how much worse it would be to catch a glimpse of his balls while he's hanging on that rim? Can you imagine having great spiritual sex with Carrot Top? Where am I going with this? Well, ready? Can you imagine how scarred you would be if one night Carrot Top forced himself upon you? Male or Female, doesn't matter. Scarred. PTSD like a mutha. Oh and one more thing, can someone explain why we never got to see Yahoo Serious and Carrot Top at the same time? Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Takers. Shut up.

("Perhaps they need a little...talking to.")

2. Jack Nicholson (AKA Joker): No one says psychopathic serial killer like Jack Nicholson. Well, actually maybe Ted Bundy does, but you know what I mean. It's all in the high forehead and bat-like eyebrows. I bet he's actually a great guy, probably a sweet, though incognito, professional hairstylist at some Miami hair salon. He probably owns a dozen pink flamingos and sings show tunes regularly. That doesn't necessarily make him a lesser candidate, however.

THE GRAIL

1. I seriously had no problem finding an appropriate picture for this one. In fact, it was the first one I saw. Nothing says throat-rape like Gary Busey. I just can't understand the extent of how amazing he is for that. The thing is, he'll confuse you with his antics so much, that you'll probably believe that the rape was consensual hence making it great traumatic sex. But in the back of your mind, you'll always know that you will never be the same again, that you have been soiled by insanity incarnate. Gary Busey is actually from Planet Mardukoth and his real name is O*^^_-\|^^Osionk. He has four extra salivary glands and bleeds squirrel. Also, I don't know if anyone has noticed, but he's Nick Nolte's doppleganger. Irremediable. There is no one I fear more than this man. Gary Busey (AKA The Dark Angel of Death).

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Inventors of Note (Part 1)

(Hoo-hoo cereal as advertized by sexy, smooth mascot. Just look at those alluring eyes.)

James Caleb Jackson (1811-1895), inventor of cold, breakfast cereal. Probably one of the most important inventors of all time. It all started with a cereal called Granula that you had to soak over night. But things soon started moving and cereal would then evolve into something greater like Smacks or Golden Crisp (which actually resemble female genitalia), Count Chocula (who instead of blood, sucks milk from his victims), and eventually to whatever radioactive sludge kids eat nowadays.

 

 This is an appropriate sandwich.)

The 4th Earl of Sandwich, John Montague (1718-1792), inventor of...well, the sandwich. Brilliant. Although I'm surprised it took that long before someone made a sandwich official. I mean, we did have to have the right ingredients in order to make the sandwich so we were a bit constricted. I can imagine some intrepid caveman trying out a variation of the sandwich with two slabs of bedrock and a slice of mammoth thigh. F.Y.I. The ham sandwich is still the most popular sandwich in the United States.

(Not ALICIA Keys, silly.)

Legend has it that it was Theodore of Samos (6th century) who invented the first key. Keys are awesome. They allow you to enter your house when it's raining outside or when you're hungry and want to eat a delicious sandwich. They also keep others from stealing your sandwiches or from having other dudes steal your girlfriend's heart if you both own one of the heart lockets with the tiny key that comes with them. This guy had the right idea.

 (Bet you didn't know reindeer could smile.)

No one knows who invented the reindeer but it was definitely made in Scandinavia. Without this invention, Santa wouldn't be able to fly to every house in the entire universe on one night. I mean, maybe he would've used horses with little tiny wings or just a giant dragon that shoots presents from its mouth instead of fire, but that's a bit hard to imagine. The world would've been a different place, that's for sure. And also, did you know that some reindeer are called Caribou after the cool band? Yup.

  (Above: Happy teenager with condom friend. Below: A slightly repulsive ancient condom)

Gabrielle Fallopius (1523-1562) is credited with inventing a linen condom that protected men from syphilis. The condom, it seems, was thriving long before that, as far back as Ancient Egypt. Regardless, Mr. Fallopian did us all a service and inadvertently impacted our population which probably would've been worse, otherwise. Although linen? I guess it was either that or bronze.

(We're all just as puzzled, Champ.)

Francis Wolle (1817-1893) invented the BROWN PAPER BAG! Adored by housewives and crackheads alike, this man really outdid himself! The uses for brown paper bags are literally infinite. Let's see, you can use them to:

-carry cans of baked beans and large oranges

-conceal crack rocks (see above)

-hide face when carrying out double murder

-create loud, obnoxious pop during a funeral

-start an accidental grease fire (requires used KFC brown paper bag)

-create inflatable life raft for when stranded in the middle of the ocean

-inconspicously transport 40 ounce of Steel Reserve malt liquor to soiree

-hyperventilate/violently regurgitate into

-etc.
 

 (Above: A slice of bread lathered in delicious peanut butter. Middle: Peanut Butter and Jelly enjoy each other's company. Below: Mr. George Washington Carver, the god of Peanut Butter.)

Some Peanut Butterologists wouldn't necessarily agree with this, but it was George Washington Carver (1864-1943) who invented peanut butter. I suppose most feel that he couldn't have possibly invented peanut butter because he was...self-taught. But he was an educator, a botanist, a scientist, and other stuff that ends with -ist. He invented countless other things and I hear he invented the first soybean computer. Both an autodidact and a polymath, he was pretty much the balls. How many times has a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich saved YOUR life? Or peanut butter and celery? Or baby carrots smothered in peanut butter? Exactly.

Anyway, this will be all for now. I know it's a lot to process. Stay tuned for PART 2 of...INVENTORS OF NOTE!! In the mean time, I'll be researching the inventor of rain, unicorns, disposable fanny packs, and racism. This should take some time...


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Things You Might NOT Want to Snort

Talcum Powder

(good for babies and balls. bad for nose holes.) 

Kosher Salt

(unless you are a BLT sandwich, I'd suggest steering clear from 
this experience. just think 'slug') 

 
Lemon Juice

(basically, anything referred to as 'acidic' might not 
be a fan of your nose) 

Razor Blades

(probably not a good idea. if you can use it to shank a 
prison guard and self-die in a large bathtub perhaps it 
should not be in your nose. fact?) 

Chicken Noodle Soup

(i know the slimy texture SEEMS appealing, but the whole 
boiling-hot-factor should be enough to deter you from snorting. 
unless you have a soda on the side. yeah, vague reference.) 

Raw Egg

(just because rocky drank one does not mean that 
inhaling a raw egg will help. first of all, he's rocky. 
second, it's an egg and it's raw and it was almost a chicken. 
just don't.) 

 
Xantham Gum

(the word 'gum' doesn't make it friendly. plus, 'xantham' sounds 
like medication for bloated women or some demigod in scientology.) 

Pop Rocks

(only snort if accompanied by scott joplin music in the background.) 

Fists

(actually, do snort a fist. the experience would be too 
priceless to pass up, but mostly for spectators. 
in fact, ONLY for spectators.) 

 Screws

(you use them to mount books shelves and bunk beds.) 

Quarters

(it might be useful to keep these in your pocket 
in the event that you may need to make a phone call.) 

Fire

(fire is hot.)

 
Sulfuric Acid

(again, the whole acid thing. might not work to 
your advantage. unless you want an extra set of nostrils.) 

Cyanide

(no comment.) 

A live wire

(you might end up like the guy from lawnmower man, 
forever doomed to watch other people surf the internet.) 

Bleach

(think death.)

Children

(why snort when you can eat! dinner!) 

In closing, be nice to your nose because it helps you smell things. It's not always going to be there. 

Also, thanks to N and R for the wonderful suggestions. See you next time!

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Let's Watch The Olympics And Forget What's Really Happening! Yay!

Because I just love how MSNBC prioritizes world affairs. Look at the photo below. Note the large photo of Ms. Who-Really-Gives-A-Fuck-But-She's-Hot-So-She's-Got-My-Attention and then check out the small section about the Afghanistan army. Am I missing something?

 

(You gotta love this.)

You would think that any new information about the war in Afghanistan would be their prime focus. But of course, it's imperative that we not miss the live updates of freestyle skating. Perhaps, Olympic skating will help quell things out there in the Middle East! Sure! Maybe if we get two cargo jets full of ice skates, soldiers and Afghani civilians alike could resolve all civic and political disputes by engaging in super smooth double-axles upon majestic desert sands like in a Disney film! Let's all dance and belt a cute, colorful number while birds and pudgy raccoons frolic happily on our shoulders! Isn't that what life is all about?! No? What do you mean? That Olympic games are just a timeless ploy to keep otherwise active citizens in some drooling TV-induced inertia?! No way, that's bullshit! You're just paranoid if you believe that. What are you gonna tell me next, that 9/11 was an inside job? That Che was killed by the CIA? That the Greenhouse Effect is propaganda? You're crazy!

Oh, this world and its perfection. I can see it now, in two weeks, the U.S. introduces a new rocket launcher that shoots zombie-virus missiles that's used to infect 30,000 civilians which are all "justifiably" mowed down by troops (again) only to have MSNBC devote a small ad to the calamity, all the while focusing on the more pressing issue at hand, Norwegian Poodles going for Gold in Olympic Curling. Just wait...

Actually, that backfired. I would love to see that...


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Ugly Face Man

Because everyone has an Ugly Face Man. It's true. Ever not like someone just because you didn't like their face? Chances are you've never even met them or you have, in passing, but there's just something about that face that you just can't like no matter what you do. Your Ugly Face Man could actually be attractive or even the nicest person in the world:

UGLY FACE MAN: Hello, Sir. Here's 5 dollars for no reason. Just take it. In fact, here, take 20! Actually, you know what? Take my wallet along with my credit cards. I could deal without them. My, that's a nice outfit! I bet you're a ladies' man. You make me feel bad about myself, you're so attractive. How's that wallet working for ya? Not satisfied? Here, let me cook you dinner. Need a house? Here's my deed. On second thought, here have sex with my wife. Make my kids your indentured servants- it'll toughen them up. Oh, how rude of me, almost forgot, my grandmother just died, perhaps I'll transfer my ridiculously large inheritance to you. Need a car? I love you.

And after all that, you still don't like his face. You still don't like HIM. You wish you could, but there's nothing you can do about it. It's just that face. It's like nature made his face represent everything you dislike for survival reasons.

This person just saved you from getting hit by a bus. This person just awarded you the Nobel Peace Prize. This person just assassinated every pop star that ever deserved it. But sorry. That face.

(Is this YOUR Ugly Face Man?)

What's funny about it is that not only does everyone have an Ugly Face Man (which is not gender specific, by the way), but YOU are also someone's Ugly Face Man. That's right! There's at least one person out there that wants to punch you in the face for absolutely no reason.

I should know, I'm several people's Ugly Face Man and I'm okay with that. I've made my peace with it. I say, EMBRACE the the Ugly Face Man within and, with a tractor, run over the Ugly Face Man without, if you're so inclined. Pretty much just putting it out there.

(Is SHE your Ugly Face Man?)

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Top Ten Ways to Lose Weight, FAST!

(At least Jabba's motivated. Are YOU?!)

1. Go on a sandpaper diet. This one is simple : just eat sandpaper for every meal of the day. However, be careful not to forego water, it will help lubricate your throat hole when swallowing.
2. If you have a significant other, do them a vile number and then break up with them. The guilt will destroy your appetite, guaranteed. Plus, nine out of ten professionals agree that depression is the best diet. But this only works if you have a conscience. Otherwise, skip this one and go to the next.
3. With a small garden saw, shave chunks from unwanted areas. Do make sure to keep some gauze pads handy.
4. Take up a religion and nourish yourself on hope and low fat Eucharist wafers.
5. Create a desirable, fit identity on a game like World of Warcraft. Make sure to neglect your body, your family, and everything else.
6. Stick your entire body in a trash compactor and hope for the best.
7. Watch TV for 8 hours straight and eat unhealthy TV dinners on a daily basis. This is sure to get that fat burning!
8. Condition yourself to think of Barry Manilow every time you eat something delicious. And speaking of Barry Manilow...
9. Master the art of vomiting on command. Not only will it help you lose weight/strength/soul/dignity/vitality, but it will make you irresistible to men! There's nothing better than woman that reeks of bile and regurgitated pork rinds.
10. And last but certainly not least, kill yourself. You'll lose ALL of your pounds, guaranteed. It's not like you would have anything to lose. I mean, who wants to go around accepting themselves for who they are?! Not me!

Know of any others?

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And Now For Something "Special"

Because there are some lyrics out there that give me a hernia. I know, it's hard to believe that some of our favorite musicians just have no idea what it is that they are talking about. It's as if there were some random lyric generator out there where all you have to do is pee in one of its compartments and voile!

Here are some gorgeous examples by the hip-hop group we all love, Outkast:

"Time and time again see I be thinking about that future
Back in the day when we slaves up everyone's a cool ass nigga"

First, let's talk about their conception of time. The future, as far as I know, refers to something ahead of us that hasn't happened. Yet, to illustrate this unforeseen "future" the rapper refers to "back in the day." Also, "when we slaves up everyone's a cool ass nigga"? What does that even mean? Does it mean that slaves were up a cool nigga's ass? Seems a bit uncommon, but I guess it's still possible if he's talking about dude on dude (or dude IN dude) butt-sex. 

"But now we vultures, slam my nigga back out
To make his ass black out, or even pull your fuking head
To make his whole crew believers, you're harder than a bitch full of dicks

Again with the butt sex. For some reasons they (I guess the slaves) are vultures now. I'm not sure why or how, but I guess they are. "Slam my nigga back out to make his ass black out"? I wonder if this just means pulling out after great sex. "You're harder than a bitch full of dicks." Wow, no comment necessary there.

"But that don't be sounding like he's shit to me
See now in the ghetto or should I say Lakewood

Who's this "he"? Is it the "cool ass nigga" they seem to be referring to. Poor dude, he's just like minding his own business and stuff.

"You better be strapped cuz them niggaz over there just ain't good
Just being a hustla, serving on all your customers
Rent was due on the 1st of the month so I'm hustling
I buy you 50 box of Phillies at the Citgo

And niggaz be wanting drinks and shit from the fuking sto', yo"
 That's true. That's true.

"But that's aight, tho', cuz I be getting paid"

Wait, but didn't he say he was broke and had to pay rent?

"And every trip I take, there's a dollar to be made
I'm digging through my pockets for my earnings got you five
Deep, there it is, now it's time to smoke that jive"

I'm lost.

* * *

Here's another quick excerpt from these geniuses:

"My heat is in the trunk along with that quad knock
No my heart don't pump no koolaid
... and you'll get you spray
Hooray yo block the one and only Outkast"

What's a quad knock? Oh, it's just something he made up to make it rhyme. His heart don't pump no koolaid (which means that it does) and speaking of koolaid, apparently, "you'll get you spray". Um...huh? With what? How? Not past tense or anything? Does it mean that you'll buy yourself a hairspray bottle like Aquanet or something? "Hooray yo block." These are starting to sound like the rantings of hip-hop schizophrenics.

It's like putting James Joyce's Ulysses in a blender, adding a dirty diaper and some soy sauce then pouring it all in your ear after blending...or something like that. I mean, even Bone Thugs' lyrics make sense, despite the fact that they speak Esperanto and you can only understand about 3 words per album. Don't get me wrong, I listen to Outkast's music about once a year. They're not ALL bad. It's just that, well, random generator.

UPDATE!!!!

Just found out what a "quad knock" is. It's a fourth nipple that produces a purple fluid of heavy viscosity during the full moon. Except, that's not true at all. Quad Knock refers to the "Quad City Knocks" the Southern Rap group that sang "Whoop, there it is!" We all know that song. Funny, Wikipedia has the song down as "WOOT there it is!" I'm going to have to disagree. I refuse to believe that anything 'Woot' is not ridiculous. Anyway, it's nice to see that Outkast were actually referring to something real and weren't just off their meds. I was wrong............but it's still a a dumb lyric.


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Things People Should Immediately Stop Saying

• "I like the the cut of your jib."
• "I don't mean to be a dick, but..."
• "Not for anything, but..."
• "I should have done ______ when I had the chance."
• "I hate to say I told you so."
• "Help yourself."
• "Be my guest."
• "Mi casa es tu casa."
• "Two heads are better than one."
• "You are the apple of my eye."
• "If there's anything that I can do..."
• "Gimme a holler."
• "When in Rome..."
• "Gobble, gobble."
• "Happy Turkey Day."
• "God bless you."
• "Things aren't what they seem."
• "Curiosity killed the cat."
• "If I had a penny/nickel/dime/dollar for every time..."
• "I heard it through the grape vine."
• "Working hard or hardly working?"
• "This is the thing..."

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Excellent Euphemisms for Vaginas

(Warning: Not for the proud, pretentious, refined, boring, or easily-offended.)

({})

They are as follows:

Fish-ditch

Meat-sheath

Ham-pocket

Slush-pouch

Cream-seam

Lube-tube

Squish-hole

Sausage Socket

Roast Beef Curtains

Flesh Wound

Trout Pout

The Ham Accordion

Cod Cave

Spunk Gorge

Pork Hatch

Yeastie-Beastie

Meat Wallet

The Lunch Box

Bearded Clam

Smush-Bush

The Great Divide

Hairy Doughnut

Glory Hole

Cock Clamp

Tuna Taco

Love Trench

Sugar Basin

Noodle Slit

Bork Pack

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